Deeply Hurt Just Means Loved Deeply - Divorce Minister
Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, “Where is this God of yours?” – Psalm 42:3, NLT
Recently, I shared the story of how my first marriage came to its end via my first wife’s adultery.
I was surprised by the emotion–namely, sadness–I felt telling this well-traveled story. Then I felt shame.
It has been nearly five years since my divorce was official. I have moved on with a wonderful wife–Mrs. DM–and wonderful kid, Munchkin.
Yet the recounting of marital betrayal and additional religious back-stabbings I experienced still evoked sadness in me.
The shame is about the narrative that says:
“You are not allowed to feel sad about your divorce or recount the betrayal history if you do not want to be labelled ‘bitter’ or ‘damaged goods.'”
The reality is that the person I shared this story with wasn’t shaming me. I was struggling with those inner tapes myself.
The religious-y community has taught me that feeling sad or sharing uncomfortable histories is the pathway to being written off as “still healing, obviously.”
The truth–when I engage my mind on the matter–is that it makes perfect sense I feel sad. I am telling a sad story. It is a story if a stranger told me would invoke sadness in me as an empathetic person.
What person would think it would be less impactful to the person who lived the actual betrayals himself?!
Faithful spouses, I want you to be kind to yourself. The story we lived is sad. It is okay when recounting the story–yes, even years removed–we feel the sadness again.
That sadness just means we were greatly invested, and so, that makes the betrayal wound all that more deep.
It is not a character flaw to greatly invest one’s heart in one’s marriage.
It is not a character flaw to feel sad over the trashing of that investment by a trusted spouse.
It is not a character flaw to still be moved by the story of the deep betrayal years later.
The character flaw is in the one who committed adultery and lied. A compassionate-empathetic person understands this and “gets” a sad story when he or she hears it.
