Does a Wise Woman Have Less Chances at Marriage?
Women who desire a healthy marriage are in a unique position. Women in this position must overcome negative stereotypes associated with them. One of the negative stereotypes is that the wiser or more mature a woman is, the less likely she is to find a marriage partner.
This has circulated in Christian communities, as I’ve heard women and men bring this up. I’ve heard women share how they will hide their Biblical literacy. For some, this dumbing down becomes a natural way to cope with the fear of never being chosen for love. The hope is that if our intelligence is hidden, men will not be intimidated by us.
Women notice how other women, who are mature, are put down and accused of being prideful in some cases. Of course, correcting a prideful woman is necessary but the assumption that wisdom means pride is a different story.
Scripture Doesn’t Discourage a Wise Woman
Where did these ideas come from? Could it be part of the patriarchy where women may have been considered not as smart as men, and thus certain rights were limited? This is why I love what the Bible teaches. Scripture says there is no male or female. This isn’t literal but simply refers to the fact that our standing of piety for being male, female, Jew, Gentile, slave or free has nothing to do with our standing in the kingdom of God.
There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise. – Genesis 3:28-30
God sees us on equal standing, as having accepted Christ as our savior. Therefore, being male or female doesn’t take away from our inheritance rights in Christ. Nor should our standing as females take away from our natural display of wisdom, savviness, or emotional intelligence as women.
A mature man who understands and follows God’s word will celebrate us in that place, not seek to dumb us down. He understands that a wise woman fully committed to simply being her best self in Christ is an asset to him. Even an honor. The theme of unity and togetherness should take priority in the dealings of men and women with one another, not division or competition.
When we read about the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31, she was not hiding her talents. Instead, she shared wisdom with her children, looked out for the well-being of her family, and made business decisions in buying fields.
She was a savvy businesswoman who was a crown to her husband. This means that on top of all the flava she bought as a dope sista, her husband was honored because of how she carried herself. No doubt her husband felt like a king, and he praised her for her excellence along with her children.
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. Proverbs 31:10-16 and 28-3
Negative Stereotypes are Not Our Identity
Could it be that this type of woman is so hard to find because of the pressure on women to fit into labels forced on them by stereotypes? These labels were never meant to be our identity by God. Women must be bold in consistent character despite the pressure to be something else.
The city gates were considered a public square where business took place. Sort of like a mall. This emphasizes that the virtuous woman did not hide her virtuousness. She lived it out for all to see.
King David was a man who valued a wise woman. The girl’s name was Abigail. She, too, had to adapt to being herself and navigating cultural expectations of her as a woman during her time. It was the norm for parents to arrange marriages to build family wealth.
If wealth was the priority alone in an arranged marriage, the well-being of the daughter may have suffered. A girl in a family could have been seen as an opportunity for the family to come up financially. Perhaps this is why Abigail ended up married to a foolish man, Nabal. The story is that King David had his men guarding the sheep of the rich man, Nabal.
This could also be seen as protecting the wealth of Nabal through free security. David had his men send a message to Nabal to share what they’d done for him and to ask for food for his men in exchange for their kindness.
Mature Men Celebrate the Wise Woman
Instead of a thank you and some food, the men were disrespected. Nabal said,” Who is this David?” When David heard about it, he immediately had his men ready themselves to declare war on Nabal’s household.
A young man who’d seen everything go down shared the news with Abigail. She moved quickly with wisdom, meeting David before he could get to Nabal’s house. She readied gifts of food and sheep for David and his men. She also spoke blessings over David, reiterating that he was to one day become king.
Her quick intervention saved the lives of the men who worked for her husband. David was so impressed that he called her discerning and blessed, something God requires of beautiful women, discernment.
Mature men celebrate these qualities in women. Abigail did not hold back, worried about how she’d be perceived. This teaches us as women not to allow the expectations of others to cause us to hold back from being ourselves.
Nor should we allow the expectations of others to constrain us to choose a relationship with the immature by acting immature ourselves. David was so impressed with Abigail that when her husband passed the next day, he sent men to propose to her as his wife.
Therefore, to answer the question whether a wise woman has fewer chances at marriage, the answer is no. In both of our examples with King David and the Virtuous woman, we see that mature men value this type of woman. Mature women have a better chance at having a more satisfactory marriage partner when we do marry.
We are more selective, ensuring we choose someone who is also wise and emotionally mature. This comes with many other perks, such as empathy, accountability, and conflict resolution practices. Next time someone shames you into thinking that being a wise woman who is emotionally mature is a disqualifier, just know that line of reasoning is far from the truth.
