Friendship 101: Do You Need to Reengage? - Lisa E Betz

I’ve been coming to terms with a troublesome habit in my life—disengaging from people. Withdrawing is my primary coping mechanism. It’s a normal part of my temperament. But lately I’ve allowed myself to disengage from people and activities to an unhealthy level. Thus, I’m setting an intention to reengage.

Why do I disengage?

Because my introverted, Enneagram Type 5 personality withdraws to protect itself. The less I interact with others, the less I need to deal with other people’s emotions and expectations. Since every interaction with people is draining for me, withdrawing is my natural instinct. My way of conserving energy so I can make it through the day without falling apart.

In addition, various life situations have led to my disengagement. Notably, in the past few years I’ve intentionally bowed out of volunteer activities because I was focused on taking care of ailing parents. I needed to devote my time and priorities to those responsibilities.

But that season has ended, and it’s time for me to reengage.

Time to reengage?

My soul has been quietly nudging me to spend more time with people. Disengaging results in disconnection, and disconnection is one of the major factors that leads to a sense of languishing.

In contrast, a flourishing, abundant, purposeful life requires engaging with others. And so, I’ve decided to take steps toward reengaging with the world and people around me.

Perhaps you can relate to my situation. Have you slowly drifted away from spending time with people or group activities? Have you fallen into a habit of spending too much time alone in your own head because it’s easier than making the effort to interact with others?

Or perhaps you know someone who has disengaged and withdrawn from you.

In either case, read on for suggestions to help yourself or others reengage with life and the people who matter.

Suggestions for helping yourself reengage

Acknowledge your reasons for disengaging. Often, people withdraw because of trauma. For example, after a divorce, a person may find it awkward, or even painful, to socialize with the people she hung out with when married.

When a life change occurs, it may require letting go of old friendships and starting new ones. Coming to terms with this will help you move forward wisely.

Don’t believe the negative voices. When withdrawing becomes a habit, it’s easy to believe nobody is missing your voice. Nobody cares what you think. They don’t notice you’re struggling or care how lonely you are.

Don’t believe these lies! Fight these negative thoughts by reminding yourself of your worth and value. You are a priceless child of God. Your voice and your actions make a difference.  

Know why you want to reengage. How will investing in this relationship or activity benefit you? When you keep your focus on what you will gain, you’ll find it easier to make the effort.

Start small. Reengage with people one comment or conversation at a time. For example, if you’ve dropped out of social media (as I have) make a point of reconnecting with friends by adding comments to their posts. Or reach out by sending a “Hi, just thinking about you.” text.

Suggestions for helping a friend reengage

Don’t pressure them. That only makes people feel threatened and withdraw further. Help them feel safe by allowing them to set the schedule. Tell them you want to talk, but allow them to choose the time, so they have a chance to prepare mentally.

Validate their feelings. There is probably a painful event at the root of the disengagement. Honor them by accepting their emotions, whether they make sense to you or not. Resist the temptation to pour on the cheerfulness and drag them out of their funk.

Be their friend, not their therapist. Offer to listen or simply be there for them. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Don’t try to fix them or lecture them on how they should be living.

Start small. Begin with activities that don’t require too much social interaction. Offer to watch a movie together or go out or ice cream. Invite them over for a simple meal (just you and your family, with no unexpected guests).

Don’t give up. Be patient and gently persistent. If they reject your invitations, don’t write them off. Keep trying. Your friend may desperately need your kindness and attention, even if they don’t show it. Keep checking in. Keep asking questions that let them know you care and are sincerely interested in how they are doing.

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark than walk alone in the light.”

— Helen Keller