How to Diffuse Anger—Your Anger
Go ahead and admit it. You get angry. I do. We all do. We’re natural-born sinners. And that means we get angry.
I’m not going to devote this blog to telling you had bad anger is. There are plenty of passages in Scripture that point to the follies of anger, the danger of anger, and the sinfulness of anger. (Just google “Bible verses on anger.”) But I would like to ask this: what do you do once you’ve gotten angry? How do you get un-angry?
Psychologists, counselors, and that one co-worker who took a psych class in community college all have suggestions. And they’re not all bad.
- Focus on your breathing.
- Hold a small object and focus on it. Think about it instead of what has you angry.
- Do something physical. (Hitting the person who makes you angry doesn’t count.)
- Buy a paper shredder.
A paper shredder? Apparently so. A study out of Japan has found that a person can relieve anger if he puts pen to paper and writes down what is making him angry. Once it’s written down, if he shreds it or wads it up and throws it in the trash, his anger goes away. (For men, I recommend the paper shredder. No man can wad up paper and throw it into a waste basket without shooting it like a basketball. If he misses, his anger could reemerge … which leads to writing that down and throwing it away.)
The researchers gathered fifty college students and had them write down their opinion on a social issue. Those opinions were evaluated and deliberately graded low. It didn’t matter if the paper was well-written and well-reasoned; it got low marks. The evaluators even threw in insulting comments about the individual. What happened next should be no surprise: the students were cheesed. Mad. Upset.
Now the anger research kicked in. The students were asked to write down their feelings and express their anger on paper. Some were told to shred the paper; other were just to hold on to the paper. The result? The anger dissipated for those who tossed the paper, but those who kept the paper only saw a small decrease in their anger.
Why’s that? I’m glad you asked. There is a belief called “magical contagion” (or “celebrity contagion”). This is the folklore belief that the “essence” of an individual can be transferred through their physical possessions. This partly explains the crazy prices people will pay to own something once owned by a celebrity. Maybe the person who paid $4.8 million for a dress worn by Marilyn Monroe felt like she now had the “essence” of Marlyin Monroe. I think all she had was an old dress.
With the anger study, the researchers believe a reverse of this was happening: “backward magical contagion.” Their feelings were transferred to the physical paper they possessed. By shredding the paper, they were shredding their anger. Getting rid of the negative physical entity, the piece of paper, caused the original emotion to also disappear.
Interesting idea, although I don’t go for the whole superstitious aspect of it. My biggest concern with this idea—and all the other ideas listed for managing anger—is this: they don’t go far enough. It’s not enough simply to remove the anger; it needs to be replaced with something. Push out the negative by replacing it with something positive. I know that sounds like some psycho-babble, but I’m thinking of something far deeper than some pop-psychology life hack once touted by Oprah.
The apostle Paul told us to “put away all the following: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and filthy language from your mouth” (Col. 3:8). In this whole section of Scripture (vv. 3-10), Paul listed quite a few negative things we are to “take off.” And anger is right there.
But something’s got to fill that void. I’m shredded the paper; now what? We’ve got to put something on in its place.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive. Above all, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity” (vv. 12-14).
I might calm down from my anger, but what happens when that person who made me angry shows up again? What happens when I step into the same environment or circumstances that triggered my anger in the first place? If I’m standing there naked, without putting on the traits of Christ, anger is going to flare up again.
So, if you like the idea of writing down why you’re angry, go for it. But before you wad it up and hope to shoot a three-point basket, write this down as well:
- I forgive even as Christ has forgiven me.
- I humbly choose patience.
- I will love the other person even as Christ has loved me.
Better yet, don’t toss that. Those three statements are a good reminder to keep handy.
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