How to Pick a Spouse
How to Pick a Spouse
How to Pick a Spouse is one of the most recent books I’ve read. It shares great insight on dating for marriage. The author, Dan Chun, had a singles ministry in Hawaii. 14 divorces occurred out of the 143 couples married over 20 years under his ministry.
Those are good numbers. All the more reason to read his book, “How to Pick a Spouse.” I won’t ruin the read for you, but will share some key things I got from the book. I thought the 7 C’s in picking a spouse was really good information.
Character & Chemistry in Choosing a Spouse
Character is a person’s moral compass. It is more reliable to build on when talking about relationships than something like good looks—although that’s important too. The author points out honesty as a good representative of character. This should show in small things like showing up on time, telling the truth, and keeping promises. The opposite would be poor character and someone to avoid building something as serious as a relationship to lead to marriage.
Chemistry is described as a chemical pizzazz or a natural fitting together of sorts that simply works. This is necessary in picking a spouse.
Competency & Culture in Choosing a Spouse
Competency shows life skills needed in daily relationships. Things such as being able to keep a job, handle money well, follow through on a project, or simply be responsible. These are necessary in choosing a spouse for marriage.
Culture represents a person’s upbringing. This influences how they think and see the world. When choosing a spouse—we want someone whose culture will allow for agreement on the most important things in life. Faith, values, and how we treat people. Etiquette and education are a part of culture. Some studies show certain education levels mean a lower risk of divorce. While education may not be a deal-breaker—it’s important to discuss these things and how each person views them in the dating process.
Commitment & Communication
Dan says commitment is the glue that keeps our marriages stable through thick and thin. His goal with this book is to pull us out of infatuation and into a whit about choosing a life partner. Thus, he calls to attention the need to be honest about what we are observing in a potential partner. Does our potential have a history of cheating? If so, what makes us think the partner will not cheat on us?
Does the person have a string of failed marriages? Have they addressed the issue that has caused the short-lived marriages? Have they taken responsibility in moving forward so they can be in a healthy commitment? Commitment in the eyes of Dan equals loyalty.
Communication is the reciprocal activity of two persons receiving and giving information to one another. There are some things Dan warns us to look out for in a person’s communication style. Things like arguing, throwing things, becoming passive-aggressive, or going silent are things we need to look out for.
Does a person show a willingness to forgive or is it always the other person’s fault? Dan shares a mention from a sociologist, Tony Campolo. He shared he did not feel much hope for couples he counseled who only blamed one another. When he saw at least one party taking responsibility for his/her actions—he knew there was hope for the couple to make it.
Dan says we should look for humility as an indicator of a healthy communication style.
Core Values, The Final C in How to Pick a Spouse
Core values are the fundamental core beliefs of a person. They are usually held dear and difficult to change. We need to be clear on our values before dating and choose someone who shares them. Dan uses this as an example, Jesus Christ. He says if he is the center of your life and all of your decisions are based on him and his word. You’d better marry a Christian who holds those same beliefs. He points out that in cases where he’s seen believers marry non-believers or believers of a significantly lower level of practice—the relationship has always gone in the direction of the lower level.
Marrying someone with different core values could tear the relationship apart.
The Anti-virus Software Chapter
This chapter stood out to me, particularly for how he explained co-dependency. He quotes, Tina Tessina, a marriage & family therapist, who says co-dependency is when you make a relationship more important to you than you are to yourself.
It’s when you are dependent upon the relationship, not necessarily the person, for fulfillment. He goes on, “Are you wondering how or why you would ever do that? Codependency slips in subtly with severe consequences. Co-dependent people don’t know it, but they are locked in a death dance where they try to save their partner or the relationship over and over again to the neglect of their own health.”
He gave an example of a married couple where the husband layed around and the wife worked supporting her husband’s dependency on alcohol and cigarettes. As long as the wife allowed this—her husband continued. When she finally called it quits divorcing him—he made a change. Her initial co-dependent behavior enabled him.
It was only when she decided to let the co-dependent relationship go—he changed for the better becoming independent himself. Two healthy functioning independent people can become interdependent in their relationship with one another instead of co-dependent. This allows the couple to remain healthy individually while both reap the benefits of the relationship.
The Anti-Virus Software chapter covers red flags for us to realize during the dating process. I could write more, but I will just allow you all to go out and buy his book, “How to Pick a Spouse.” For questions on choosing a spouse and sparking up the conversation, see my book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.”
