I Felt Old This Morning but I Resisted Feeling Shameful
I Felt Old This Morning but Resisted Feeling Shameful
I arrived at my appointment for my balance testing with a physical therapist at the location where I’d had my hearing tested. I arrived 45 minutes early for my appointment because there’s so much construction going on. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t late.
As my husband often says, “You don’t have to be there that early.” But I get nervous if I see the time slipping by–especially when I’m driving. Most of the time, I arrive early but today I was really early, like really really early. At first I was motivated to sit in my car and wait. But then I thought, “No, I’ll go in and work on my email.”
So I did. I walked in to check in at the desk. As usual they asked for my birth date which always makes me feel old.
How could being born in 1949 not feel old?! The two young women at the desk hadn’t even been born yet. Chances are their parents hadn’t even met each other yet.
And my gray hair gives me away. I was glad at least I had some make up on!!!!!
Then one of the gals who was checking me in on her computer said, “Oh. Your appointment is at another location.”
What? At first I wanted to be my usual offended self. How dare they make a mistake! But for some reason I held my tongue and thought, “I don’t remember that but chances are the computer isn’t wrong.”
The two young things looked at me again and I knew what they were thinking…”Yup, another old person getting their schedule messed up.”
I stood paralyzed for a moment and then said, “Okay. Thanks.”
I walked out and the familiar feelings of shame began to descend upon me as I started the car. I could envision the “girls” laughing and chuckling about me. They must think I never get anything right.
But NO!!!!! I thought, “No! I’m not going in through the dark door of shame!”
For me, shame is the feeling of feeling yucky, something-wrong-with-me, and now everyone knows it. I’m exposed. My hurtful past feeds these lies, as I was sexually harmed and never felt good enough. Don’t get me started on the list.
But NO!!!! “This time I’m not going there.”
And then the most delightful thought filled me with gratitude. I didn’t know God was nudging me gently to get there early to be able to make it to the different location twenty minutes away. As I drove, the awareness of God’s sweet consideration for me blossomed within me bringing tears. Yes, He could have somehow made me look again at the paperwork and made the correction. But this inconvenience was far more powerful in showing God’s consideration of me getting what I needed.
God’s consideration of me! Now that is the opposite of deserving shame.
I arrived at the different location with plenty of time and waited to be called in. I had a great appointment with a caring physical therapist and I’m motivated to follow through on new exercises.
I praise God for His consideration of me and my needs. And in God’s power, I resisted the temptation to give in to shame.
If you aren’t aware of your own unique feelings and messages of shame, pay attention. They are often subtle and we aren’t aware of them.
In my upcoming book, Anger Management–Jesus Style, I have a chapter about how shame tempts us to feel better if we react in anger. I’m so eager for that book to be published. Please look for it.
