Making Marriage Easier — Carol McLeod Ministries
A Note from Carol: One of the greatest joys of my ministry is sharing voices that inspire and uplift with both passion and purpose. Today, I’m honored to introduce you to Arlene Pellicane—a gifted author, podcaster, and a tireless champion for families. Arlene shares her heart with us this week on how to make your marriage easier. You can learn to love (and like) your spouse for life!
About ten years into marriage, James and I were asked to teach a young married couples’ class at church. We thought, Why not? We’ve got this marriage thing down pat!
As we were teaching the class, I couldn’t help but notice the way the couples were sitting ultra near each other. Husbands had their arms draped over their wives protectively and affectionately. Wives turned toward their husbands approvingly and admiringly. One husband was twisting his wife’s long hair around his finger. One wife practically had stars in her eyes when her husband answered a question. I looked over at James and we were literally sitting five feet apart in the front of the class. I wondered if we were in the wrong place. Maybe the newlyweds should be teaching the class and we should be the ones listening!
When you’ve been married for a few years or longer, you get used to one another. The playful romance and flirtation slowly fade into friendship and companionship. If left unchecked, it can fade further into a business relationship based on calendar management. By now, you know I am not suggesting you skip through life, looking at your spouse with googly eyes all the time. Friendship, companionship, trust, familiarity, and stability are all good traits in a maturing relationship. But layer into your marriage an element of playfulness and flirtation to resist the slide of becoming amicable roommates. A stable marriage needs a little spark once in a while.
Catch the Foxes
In the Song of Solomon, we are warned about the “little foxes” that can come into a marriage to erode its beauty and destroy its potential. King Solomon is writing his wife, the Shulamite commoner turned queen, a love song. He says, “Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes” (Song 2:15 nkjv). In ancient literature, wild animals were often used to represent problems that could separate lovers. Although you probably haven’t had a run-in with a fox lately, the Israelites were used to having foxes spoil their gardens. They understood the comparison perfectly. Large groups of little foxes descending on an orchard would destroy it.
We want marriages that are in full bloom like a healthy vineyard, and this means we must be aware of natural predators such as resentment, unforgiveness, pride, selfishness, disdain, and disinterest. These little foxes can creep into a marriage and take away its sweetness.
You might consider me a “marriage expert” since I write books, but I have never had the mindset that I could never have an affair. I have the capacity to stray just like anyone else, and I must be diligent to squash anything that may lead to an affair. Instead of being passive, we must be on the lookout for the “little foxes” that might destroy us over time. Couples who fervently love each other never file for divorce, but couples who have drifted apart often do. You don’t want to think of your spouse as a suitable roommate; you want to think of your spouse as your one and only lover.
It Just Takes Five Seconds
So how can we fight the fade right now of becoming more like roommates and less like lovers? When I interviewed the authors of The Gift of Sex, Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner, I received simple advice that doesn’t cost money and doesn’t take a whole lot of time. They recommended five to thirty seconds of passionate kissing every day. Joyce said,
If there was one key to leave you with, it would be to kiss passionately. It has to do with I love you and it feels so good. It’s going to keep my pilot light on so I can get more turned on—on a regular basis. We love kissing!
The simple act of kissing and being physically affectionate quickly elevates a husband and wife from business to pleasure. In those few seconds, you move from two people managing work, kids, and a household to two people who are in love. Too tired to kiss after a long day? Just stick to the five seconds. Too afraid the kiss will be misinterpreted as the “go signal” for the whole enchilada? Have a talk beforehand about how the kiss isn’t always the go signal, but it’s a way to stay closer together and have more frequent go signals.
There’s a television show I love watching every week with my daughter Lucy and even James likes it—When Calls the Heart on the Hallmark Channel. Set in the early twentieth century on the Canadian Western Frontier, it follows a young teacher named Elizabeth who leaves her life of luxury to teach in a frontier town. In Season 11, she’s falling in love with a mountie named Nathan. The audience knows Nathan has loved her for years. In one episode, he asks her, “What am I to you? Are we just friends?” In dramatic movie fashion, they are interrupted before she can answer. At the end of the episode, she visits him to answer the question. As they look lovingly into each other’s eyes, she says, “Friends don’t look at friends this way.” She pauses, smiles slightly, and walks away. “Oooo!” Lucy and I yell at the screen. “Friends don’t look at friends this way!”
When was the last time you looked at your spouse with this sense of desire, longing, and romance? You certainly don’t have to act like you live in a Hallmark movie, but once in a while, look over at your spouse, sink back in your chair, and let a cheesy grin spread across your face. You would never do that if you were just roommates.
Making Marriage Easier with Arlene Pellicane
On today’s show Carol McLeod welcomes Arlene Pellicane, author and speaker! Arlene and Carol explore the intricacies of marriage, sharing personal stories and insights on how to cultivate a loving and joyful relationship. They discuss the importance of individual happiness, the changing perceptions of marriage in society, and the biblical principles that guide a healthy marriage. Arlene shares her own love story and the lessons learned along the way, emphasizing that while marriage requires effort, it doesn't have to be hard. They also address difficult topics like submission in marriage, infertility and the transition to an empty nest, offering practical advice and encouragement for couples in different stages of their marital journey.
Connect with Arlene and order her books at https://arlenepellicane.com/
