Overcoming Hyper-Independence: Finding Beauty in Asking for Help

I can vividly remember feeling the weight of “forced independence” more than a few times. The last time I moved, I was hit with a familiar reminder: as a single woman, I have to budget exceptionally well. We have to set aside extra funds for the things a partner would traditionally help with—support that isn’t always readily available.

I remember the looming deadline to move out of my condo. I asked around for help, but no one was available. Thankfully, I found an app to hire two men at an affordable rate.

After a few runs to the storage unit, their time was up. I felt overwhelmed but prepared to finish the job myself—cleaning cabinets, steaming floors, and vacuuming before closing day. I called my little brother to see if he could help with the final few items.

Because I am so used to being left to my own devices—which can sometimes feel like a “punishment” for being single, I immediately offered him money. To my surprise, he refused the payment and said he’d be there.

I’ll be honest: I cried.

I’m simply not used to someone stopping what they’re doing just to help me. It made me wonder: does going without assistance for so long teach us to unconsciously stop expecting it? My father taught me to be responsible so I wouldn’t have to depend on others, but there is a distinct beauty in having “safe people” walk alongside you and say, “I’ve got you.”

Redefining Independence

While I have moments of feeling forced into self-reliance, I also have moments where I feel truly cared for—worthy of being “covered”—even without a partner.

I don’t ride my bike as often now that I’m in the gym more, but back when I frequented the trails, men would often offer to help me lift my bike onto the car rack. One time, a man was even carrying a baby, yet seeing a woman struggle with a heavy bike didn’t sit right with him. With his child in one arm, he used the other to secure my bike.

It’s these small moments that remind me that “super-independence” isn’t my only fate.

What is Interdependence?

Interdependence is defined as people in a community or relationship sharing resources and support while maintaining their individual agency. These connections provide emotional support and lead to deeper intimacy.

Unfortunately, an unhealthy culture that separates men and women—rather than celebrating our differences—robs us of this gift. Women can grow weary and suspicious of men; Likewise, men can grow tired of women and the stereotypes and generalizations that lead to negativity.

Healing for Connection

Taking responsibility for our traumas and shifting our thinking patterns allows us to stay open to healthy, interdependent relationships. When we heal, we become capable of receiving help when it’s offered.

Instead of focusing on what divides us, what if we practiced enough humility to celebrate what brings us together? We can appreciate the natural inclination of men to protect and cover, and the ability of women to respect someone who takes a genuine interest in her well-being without asking for anything in return.

Kind gestures remind us that we need one another—and that we are worthy of having those needs fulfilled. For support, check out the Safe Christian Singles Community.

Reflection: In what ways have you recently experienced interdependence in your life? How can you continue to create space for help and community?