Guard your heart above all else,
    for it determines the course of your life.

-Proverbs 4:23, NLT

Red Flag:

When your wife is asking you to beat out another man in competition for her heart, you know she is deep in an emotional affair.

You cannot BOTH keep your solemn vow to “forsake all others” AND keep the door open to another–non-husband–man’s pursuit of your heart.

I will never forget how after watching the movie “Fireproof”–a horrible “Christian” movie about restoring a marriage–that my (now) ex-wife focused on the competition between the husband and the wife’s work “husband.” She thought it was neat that the actual husband in the movie engaged in that competition and only confronted the other man, not his wife.

A wise pastor would call out such behavior for what it is already:

You do not get to give your heart to another partner just because things are difficult in your marriage. It is not right to make your spouse compete for your heart. That competition ended for all times at the marriage altar when you vowed to “forsake all others.”

Sadly, this red flag was missed by my “Christian” lay counselors. To my knowledge, my (now) ex was not held accountable for such emotional infidelity by these leaders.

I write this today for those who might find yourself in similar circumstances. This desire for a competition is not healthy or godly. It is a signal of emotional infidelity where your spouse has failed to honor her vows to “forsake all others” and guard her heart.

The truly Christian solution in such situations lies not in doing a better job pursuing her but rather calling out this sin of emotional infidelity and exhorting her to repent.