SATURDAY SURVIVOR CHRONICLES: Partner “Babysitting” Own Kids – Red Flags Like We’re at a Theme Park! - The DV Walking Wounded:

***TRIGGER WARNING!*** This post may contain references to violence and scenarios that may trigger some readers. Proceed reading this post with EXTREME CAUTION!

On reflecting back on my abuse, especially since I am continually asked by those in active abuse as well as survivors who have gotten away, what I see now as huge waving red flags: I honestly cannot believe I missed this. I had to make a list and believe me — it’s extensive. However, this one is at the very top. My Wasband (Ex) “babysat” his own biological children while we were married and living in the same household. Seriously! Let me explain.

Many times, I’d overhear him talking to one of his male buddies on the phone and say, “What am I doing right now? You know, man, watching the kids,” OR “just babysitting while my wife is doing girl things.” This enraged me. So much so, that one day I unfortunately asked:

“If you’re babysitting (doing my fingers in air quotes), then what the hell am I doing when I have the kids…you know, all day long?”

He would just look smugly at me. “You’re their Mom, you’re supposed to be with them all of the time. It’s kind of your job. You know?” Sometimes there would be some off-color remark about how I wanted to breastfeed all of them when they were babes, and that’s where my mistake started — that I was stuck with them because they were now “dependent” on me…”attached at the tit,” as he would also sometimes comment. I was never stuck with them, I just detested being portrayed as an appliance in my own home: not a precious person, but simply a common home amenity. I lived for my kids and did everything in their best interests and care.

“It’s BOTH of our jobs,” I would hiss. “I didn’t create these babies by myself. Plus, we are supposed to be a team.”

He would then wave his hand dismissively, as if waving off what I just said as nonsense. “I have ‘man things’ to do and it’s your job to raise the children. I just dole out discipline when you can’t. And I’m the main provider.” Um, well, more often than not, I made the higher wage, but that was NEVER discussed. His jobs were ALWAYS more important.

And before anyone can defend the ‘man things’ statement, I would push mow the lawn (and weed eat) until my children became old enough to do so. When they did, then it was chores that I had to pay out for — but I gladly did pay, because he couldn’t be bothered with it; he was resting from a hard week at work. If it didn’t get done, there was hell to pay, so doling out a few dollars was WELL worth it for peace and safety’s sake! I also would take the vehicles for regular maintenance and either hire out jobs that I couldn’t do or YouTube what I could in order to take care of the ‘man things’ that he wouldn’t. Maybe it was ‘couldn’t,’ but narcissists never admit to weaknesses of any kind.

Sometimes, I would want to do activities outside of the house, such as continue my college education by taking one class at a time (if online wasn’t available), teach a college course, work a part-time job or overtime with my full-time job, or even go to an after-work function…notice I didn’t say: go out with girlfriends or go have my nails done. The aforementioned things were ‘acceptable’ to him, so these things I was given his strict permission and blessing to do, because HE benefited. Actually, my whole family benefited and that’s what I limited what I asked for to, in order to avoid conflict. I wouldn’t be so selfish as to go and do something “fun” for myself. That just wasn’t done!

I order to do any of the above activities, I would have to make lists, pre-make dinner and/or already have fed and bathed the children. He knew what their bedtimes were and their bedtime routines, but constant reminding had to occur. If it was late when I got home, I still had to do the clean up and prep for the next day. He could just not be bothered to do that. I either did it when I returned home, or got up early the next day to accomplish those tasks. It would just depend on how tired I was and the length of the tasks. Always, and I do mean ALWAYS, the house would be a wreck, things would be everywhere, and I would have to put it back together so I didn’t have to be awakened in the middle of the night to complete them.

Ironically, I would like to mention, I was constantly reminded that I couldn’t do [raising the children, caring for the home, and paying for everything] “without me (him).” And yet, here I was doing it, every bit of it, because he financially controlled me by withholding money for things that he wanted to do. I would find out later that he was spending it on alcohol consumption and things that would facilitate wooing other unsuspecting women.

If I had the ocassional business trip or have to go out-of-town for a family emergency, I would have to prep instructions, meals, etc., as if I was instructing a babysitter. My own husband and their father! Shouldn’t he already know what to do??? I started getting agitated when I would have to do this, because I would not have to go to such extreme lengths when their grandmother, his mother, would watch them. She’d been a single Mom, so she already knew what was required. Sometimes, I would just ask her to keep the children, because it was less work than having him do it. I would always get her a gift card, or take her to dinner to thank her for helping me!

It never mattered how many instructions I wrote down or how much I prepped, I always got multiple phone calls and messages asking me simple and, honestly, stupid things that he should have been able to figure out.

• “Is the baby’s poop supposed to be [insert color]? Since it’s [this color], why didn’t you take him/her to the doctor before leaving me with a sick baby???” He could or would NEVER grasp that the color of their feces directly related to what the baby previously ate, but I am not trying to be gross here. My apologies! I never left my babies when they were sick. They may have had medicines and were in the process of getting over an illness, but they were never sick when I wasn’t there. Of course, the medicines were rarely given while I was away, which usually caused another trip to the doctor.
• “I am going to let [child] go spend the night with a friend. I don’t feel like packing them anything, so I’ll just deal with cleaning them up when they get back.” This always got a call back from me urging him to just pack the bare minimum of things for their comfort. Then I would call the other child’s mother and thank them for inviving my child. However, my child would almost always end up being naughty and then not being allowed to go. My adult children now tell me that I would always be blamed for them not going. No wonder my return would constantly be received with a mixture of relief and annoyance from my kids!
• “You did NOT pre-make enough food!” OR “You forgot to buy (insert list of specific things that we hardly ever had anyway) and now I am stuck with the kids and cannot go pick these vital things up!” Many times it was diapers that he referenced being “out of.” I always had twice as many diapers available than he could ever possibly need. I had menus on the fridge. I made casseroles and meals that all he had to do was pop into the oven (with instructions taped to the top many times) — side note, he popped one poor taco lasagna into the oven with the instructions STILL taped to the top and nearly caused a fire. I got the low down on that from my oldest, who was told to “shut up” when the child tried to warn his father that the paper instructions were still on there. The poor child was told “I’m the Dad, I know what the **** I am doing.” The smoke alarm went off and apparently my elderly neighbors saw the smoke and called the fire department. Of course, THAT was all my fault. Also, he had a working vehicle and car seats, he just didn’t want to pack the kids into said vehicle and run to the store.
• “These kids are just too bad and I cannot deal with the stress of how badly you let them behave. They’re at Mom’s now.” I would then call my mother-in-law, who always assured me that they were find and that she didn’t mind. She had NO idea what he was speaking of, because “the grandbabies were always good.” I wish she were still alive for me to thank and hug and take to lunch, because I certainly wood. She saved me, despite her son being completely awful. When he did this, I now suspect that he was utilizing my absence to go and cheat on me and do as he pleased, without having to explain himself. I was never allowed to ask what he had done after dropping of the kids, because the first and last time I did that, I ended up with a black eye and a swollen cheek.

Even when we had been separated four times, no-contact for the final two of those times (I did not return after the fourth time, for fear of either dying or losing my children completely), he would contact me via my middle child. He didn’t do this out of care or concern for the “baby,” our youngest…he did it to maintain control of me. He knew I would always respond to my children. After a few times of franticly answering her, thinking the worst, I also knew he was living with his mother, who would know what to do should any emergency arise. I learned to tell my daughter that her Dad would figure it out and to involve their grandmother…that I didn’t have them right now and he’d have to deal with it. That was one of the hardest truths that I had to embrace…a close second to telling the Judge that I feared for my life and the lives of my children. I knew, as uncomfortable as it was, I had to step back and stop allowing him to control me. It was serving NO ONE, not even my children.

Hindsight is 20/20, my friends. I judge NO ONE for anything that they have been through. I simply wish I had seen these waving ruby banners sooner, but I was blind to them. Blinded by love? Maybe. Blinded by obligation? Most likely. Blinded by fear? Most definitely. Sometimes we have to be bigger than our fears, even when we do not want to!

Love and light! <3