I write a lot to warn, inform and encourage women against misogynistic attitudes and controlling, abusive behaviors. Though these behaviors and attitudes have been a problem for many generationally, women’s responses have not always been right either.
For example, radical feminism is an extreme response. Sometimes, some women go too far and become extreme, calling behaviors controlling or tyrannical when they aren’t. I am seeing some ladies resistant to their men’s benevolent actions and calling their men controlling.
The motives behind why a person does something is key. Yet, people’s definitions of what controlling is or isn’t may be a bit subjective. This is another indication of the importance of compatibility- being in agreement in general on values and expectations.
When a man’s motive is to be protective and love his woman, this cancels out the control aspect. Love and control do not come from the same place. Yet, situations are handled based on people’s individual interpretations of what protection and love mean.
Indeed, some people may have right motives, but may take inappropriate actions for a number of reasons when it comes to trying to protect those that they love.
These are a few examples of a man not exhibiting controlling behaviors. These are signs that a man cares about protecting his lady.
1. He cares what kind of people His woman is spending her time with.
He doesn’t try to control whether she has friends or not. He doesn’t try to prevent her from spending time with her friends or family.
However, he is concerned with the quality of the people she’s spending time with. It makes sense a husband would not want his wife spending time with people who are bad influences or are harmful to her in any way.
2. He cares how his lady dresses.
– A man who respects his woman does not want her presenting herself in a way that brings unwanted and disrespectful attention from other men.
– A man who respects his lady typically wants for her to honor her own body, including in how she dresses.
– A loving and protective husband does not want his wife to be enticing to other men. What he gets to see with nothing left to the imagination as a husband, he does not want other men to see.
– It should not be anticipated that he would be disrespectfully leering at and praising other women who are scantily dressed either! It would be hypocritical for him to do that.
3. He cares about what activities his woman is involved in.
– Perhaps a wife wants to gamble often. Maybe a girlfriend wants to gamble. If her man is responsible and wise, he understands that this is a destructive waste of time for many.
It does not mean he’s controlling, because he suggests or insists she not participate in gambling or other risky pastimes.
– Maybe she wants to go hiking by herself. Out of concern, he insists that he come along, or that she waits until she can go with a group. This is not controlling behavior, but it is protective behavior. It is using wisdom.
4. He is concerned with how his woman is spending and saving money.
– This type of man likes to spend money on his lady. He does not hover over her, monitoring every penny she spends. He’s not hypocritical in carelessly overspending money himself.
– However, he is concerned that she is not being wasteful, not going on consistent, large shopping sprees, racking up unnecessary credit card debt.
– He’s concerned about being a wise steward over finances- investing, spending and saving wisely. He desires for his woman to be the same way.
5. A godly husband taking responsibility as head of his wife.
– A godly husband knows he’s responsible in the sight of God, as head of his wife. This type of man is not controlling. He is a protector, he is a leader and he is an overseer in what is going on in their marriage and in their lives.
– He honors that his godly wife is an adult who has the Holy Spirit. He is not controlling and does not try to infantize her. He recognizes that they are a team, one unified in Christ. He knows He is not her Holy Spirit, but he knows his responsibilities to love her as Christ loved the church and to be a righteous example.
– He recognizes and respects that she is God’s daughter and he has no right to treat her any differently than what God has commanded.
– Remember, to fulfill their duties as heads, God commands husbands to love their wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for the church.
– The position itself as head of the wife means a husband is responsible to submit to Christ and do as God commands- to love and cherish his wife as he is called to. To be a righteous example, not embracing and going along with sin.
– Loving and cherishing his wife means a husband does not go along with ideas, practices and behaviors that are harmful and go against God’s design. This does not mean he is controlling.
A properly educated, godly husband understands his prayers will be hindered if he does not treat his wife correctly (1 Peter 3: 7).
In the first place, it is important that people who unify in marriage or even a relationship proactively make sure that they are truly compatible. This means they will see eye to eye when it comes to faith-based values.
It means they will have similar or same long-term goals and many of the same interests. It is important to remember that control is not love and love is not control.
Bible References
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” Colossians 3: 18-19.
For unmarried Christians as well as married Christians, the principle is still love and putting God first, and others before ourselves. The motive behind what is done is key.
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” Phillipians 2: 3.
