Tearing Up the Scorecards
She was at it again. Mrs. Barnett was getting out the scorecards and tallying up the points.
I sat with an older woman as she began enumerating her family’s shortcomings. “Callie never comes to see me,” she began to complain about her granddaughter. “And she never calls me either. I saw her sitting on the other side of the church last week and she didn’t even come over and give me a hug.”
“Benjamin is just as bad,” she continued, talking about her grandson. “He never comes by unless he wants something.”
Throughout our time together, Mrs. Barnett mentioned several family members and friends who had disappointed her, who had not lived up to her expectations, and who had not given her the love she “deserved.” The more I listened; the clearer a picture began to take shape in my mind.
I envisioned Mrs. Barnett with a big stack of scorecards. At the top of each card was a name: a grandchild, a child, a friend, a pastor, and yes, even one with my name printed across the top. If someone telephoned her, they got one point. If they stopped by for a visit, they got one point. If they gave her a hug without being asked, they got one point. If they told her she looked pretty, they got two points.
However, if they did not show the proper display of affection, they lost five points. If they did not come by for a visit within the expected amount of time, they lost five points. If they did not send her a card on the appropriate days, they lost five points. Birthday cards, Christmas gifts, phone calls, visits, etc, were all tallied on mental scorecards for later retrieval. She was very busy keeping track of all the plusses and minuses for each person.
I shook my head to clear away the movie being played in my mind and tried to pay attention to our conversation. After all, I didn’t want to get a bad mark on my scorecard that day.
Friend, let me tell you a great life lesson. As long as this woman keeps mental scorecards on the people in her life, she is going to be miserable. And if you or I keep scorecards for the people in our lives, we will be miserable as well.
Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians says, “Love is patient, love is kind…it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs,” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). Love doesn’t keep a tally sheet of debits and credits or scorecards of plusses and minuses.
Self-centeredness says, “What has that person done for me lately?” Love says, “What can I do for that person today?”
Self-centeredness makes mental lists of how others have disappointed them. Love makes mental lists of ways they can bless others.
Self-centeredness withholds affection and approval from those who don’t deserve it. Love gives affection unconditionally because none of us do deserve it.
Self-centeredness says, “Come here and give me a hug.” Love says, “Come here and let me hug you.” Can you tell the difference? A ten-year-old child certainly can. He or she might not be able to verbalize the difference or even recognize it, but they certainly feel the difference in the pit of their stomachs and in the tenderness of their hearts.
With genuine love, there are no scorecards. I’m certainly glad God tore up mine long ago.
David wrote, “If you, O LORD, kept a record of sin, O Lord, who could stand?” (Psalm 130:3 NIV). Certainly not me! If God doesn’t keep a scorecard, making notes of the ways I have offended Him, disappointed Him, or not given Him the attention He deserves, then why do I think I have the right to keep scorecards on the people in my little world?
Scorecards. Do we keep them? Do we keep mental lists of what people do and don’t do to deserve our love? If so, we’ll never be content or at peace in our relationships. No one may see the scorecards sitting on our coffee tables, but they’ll know they are there. They will see them in our eyes, hear them in our tone, and sense them in our touch.
And there may be a few brave souls who refuse to play the game and decide to bow out of our life altogether.
Here is what I would like to suggest. Let’s tear up the scorecards. I’ll pray you through it.
“Dear Lord, I am no longer going to keep a scorecard for ____________. Help me love like You love – unconditionally, with no strings attached. Help me to be thankful for the attention I do receive rather than resentful for what I don’t. I do not want to become a bitter old woman whom people avoid, but a grateful, graceful lady people enjoy. And Lord, whenever I begin to fall into the old habit of making mental notes of how someone did not live up to my expectations, I pray that You will convict me quickly and help me to replace the negative thoughts with a prayer of thanksgiving. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Did you do it? If so, click on “comment” and say, “I prayed that prayer today!” Then let’s celebrate each other’s courage!
Looking for your next Bible study? Check out Sharon’s book and Study Guide, The Power of A Woman’s Words: How the Words You Say Shape the Lives of Others. Words are one of the most powerful forces in the universe, and God has entrusted them to you! They echo in hearts and minds long after they are spoken. How will we use this gift? Your words can change the course of someone’s day…even someone’s life.
Learn how to…
- exchange careless words that hurt for intentional words that help others succeed
- recognize words that tear down confidence and replace them with words that build others up
- overcome the negativity that pushes people away and become a well of positivity that draws others in
- tame your tongue by practicing practical principles that help you think before you speak
- stop being disappointed in your lack of control by taking hold of the power of the Holy Spirit
