The birthdays God has given me – in spite of myself - Today Can Be Different

“Where am I?”

“Southeast Memorial, Intensive Care Unit,” the nurse said, opening the window blinds.

“Why?” I shielded my eyes from the glaring sun. “Was I in an accident?”

She walked to the side of my bed and began a new IV bag. “You took a bottle of pills. Don’t you remember?”

“N-no. Are you sure?” I paused as the memory floated back – including the reason why I wanted to die. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I knew that given the opportunity, I would try again.

That was a dark and scary season in my life. It took years of counseling, the right medication, and lots of prayer before I finally acquired the skills and faith I needed to handle life’s stresses and disappointments. Not perfectly. Even today, I struggle with some anxiety, and disappointing days bring me to tears.

But though my life is far from perfect, I rejoice that this Saturday, I’ll be celebrating another birthday. Like most women, I don’t relish the extra lines and other signs that my body is aging, but I’m thankful for another year. Had I succeeded in taking my life on that evening long ago, I wouldn’t have the privilege today of coloring my gray and applying copious amounts of anti-wrinkle creams.

I am sensitive to the reality that many of my readers have lost someone to suicide and you can’t help but wonder why God didn’t protect your loved one. I am sincerely sorry for your pain. I lost a dear friend to suicide and it still affects me today. I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you who lost a spouse, child or sibling. You are in my prayers.

To those of us who are still alive despite our choices, I’d like to offer this verse:

I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the Lord. (Psalm 118:17 ESV).

I pray we will not take lightly the honor of sharing his marvelous works with those who need to hear about them. Indeed. I praise God for the opportunity He gives me, with this column, to recount to all of you what He continues to do in (and for) me.

What about you?

You can use a pseudonym (fake name) when commenting.

• I know this is a painful subject for many of you. How can I pray for you?

See sidebar to subscribe to this blog and receive the most recent post to your inbox. There is no charge for this service.