The Other Side of Why
My son, Steven, and I sat on the floor in his room playing a card game. The summer was proving to be the best ever. Our golden retriever, Ginger, had just delivered seven adorable puppies, Steven was enjoying his sixth summer of life, and after four years of negative pregnancy tests, God had surprised us with a new life growing inside my womb.
But as Steven and I sat cross-legged on the carpet, I felt a warm, sticky sensation run down my leg. A trip to the bathroom confirmed my greatest fears. Later that afternoon, the doctor voiced the weighty words, “There is no heartbeat.”
What do you do when heartbreak slams into joy? When your soul cracks open and there just aren’t enough tears? When hurt steals your hope and you want to give up on life? When deep soul lesions make a mockery of your faith?
I wish I could tell you I left the doctor’s office quoting Romans 8:28 about how “all things work together for good” (ESV). I wish I could tell you that I calmly accepted the loss of my baby with faith, trusting that even this was somehow part of God’s plan. I wish I could tell you I spent the rest of the day singing “It Is Well with My Soul.” But I didn’t do any of those things.
I went home, crawled in bed, and pulled the covers up over my empty womb and broken heart. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially God. And what I did say to him wasn’t very nice.
How could You do this to me? If this is how You treat those You love, then just forget it! You answered my prayer only to take it back! Why me? Why this? Why now?
Job was a man in the Bible who also had a lot of questions for God. In one day, his enemies killed all but a handful of his servants and stole all eleven thousand heads of livestock.
Then a strong wind collapsed his son’s house and killed all ten of Job’s children. We read the story of Job already knowing how it is going to end—the Lord not only restored what Job had lost, but “gave him twice as much as he had before” (Job 42:10).
But can you imagine what it was like to live through it in real time? Job was stuck in a bad story and he saw no end in sight. He had no idea why it was happening. He didn’t know God would give him twice as much as he had before. All he knew was loss, disappointment, and pain. That might be where you are right now, stuck in a story you don’t like. But hang on, God’s pen has not slipped. He’s still in control. There’s more to come.
My favorite line in Job’s story comes at the very end. Job says to God, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you” (Job 42:5). That is my prayer in every difficult circumstance of life. I don’t want to simply hear about God; I want to see God and have communion with Him in the midst of it.
Sometimes we have to let go of our plans to take hold of God’s purpose…and it’s always good. A houseful of children was not how my chapter of infertility and the loss of a child over 30 years ago ended, but I can still say it had a good ending. God has made me fertile in so many other areas, and I wouldn’t change a thing. And when women come to me trying to make sense of the disappointments in their lives, I can say, “Come, sit with me. Let me tell you a story.”
And I know He can do that for you.
Lord, there are some parts of my story that still ache, and perhaps that ache will never go completely away. However, I know that You can use every tear to water the seeds of hope in someone else’s life. I release my pain to You, and I wait open handed for Your purpose on how to use my story to help someone else. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
What is one difficult chapter of loss in your story that you’re having trouble getting past. Leave a comment with that chapter’s title and let’s share.
How might God be calling you to use it to help others?
Digging Deeper
Many of have heartache in our lives. Our mistakes, the pain others have caused us, and circumstances outside our control taunt us every day, though we long to turn a new page. When You Don’t Like Your Story challenges us to ask: What if God doesn’t want us to rip out of difficult stories but repurpose them for good?
What has been done to you and what has been done through you doesn’t disqualify you from God’s best for your life. It qualifies you for an even greater purpose than you would have ever known without it. So sink deep into God’s life-changing truths. The next chapter is just beginning. Includes an in-depth Bible study for individuals and groups.
