The Path Away From Pornography
Of all the things I get to do in ministry, few bring me more joy than helping men break free from pornography. I love seeing someone come alive as the stupor of sexual slavery loses its hold on them and they begin to live in the light.
There is no “formula” for getting free from pornography: each person, and their situation, is unique. At the same time, just as sexual sin operates in certain patterns, so I’ve witnessed common patterns in the way the Lord breaks people free from its chains. Over the years, I’ve developed something of a road-map that I use to walk with a guy who is wanting to get free from porn.1While I don’t have direct experience helping women with the same process, I suspect many of the same steps would apply. There’s five key landmarks along this path, which look something like this:
1. Start With the Gospel (But Remember All of It)
The gospel must be our starting point for so many reasons. We can’t do Romans 6 without Romans 5. Only forgiven sin can be conquered, and I’ve seen again and again how pornography shrivels up and dies at the foot of the cross.
And yet, as we recognize this, we want to avoid the simplistic idea that just “believing the gospel,” or repeatedly confessing our sins, will be enough to sever the strong hold of pornography. Romans 6:12 does not say “See Romans 5:8.” It tells us to do something about sin’s lingering presence, understanding that practical freedom from sin is one of the accomplishments of the death and resurrection of Christ (Rom 6:1-11).
We see a similar pattern in 1 Peter 1:14-19, where the cross is presented as the enabling basis for our obedience to His commands. “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness” (1 Peter 2:24).
So yes, the gospel kills pornography, but this gospel does not end with justification. Reconciled to God and seated at His table, we’re summoned and empowered to live like His children. Those fighting porn need to hear both the gospel’s comforting forgiveness and clarion call to holiness.
2. Ruthlessly Remove Opportunities
The next step in fighting porn is to ruthlessly get rid of any ability to access pornography.
It amazes me how many people struggle—or walk alongside of those struggling—for years, without ever taking this step. Have we become so captive to our devices that the thought of going without a phone or computer seems too extreme, or worse, never even occurs to us?
If someone asked you for help to overcome pornography, and you found out they were living next door to a porn shop, wouldn’t you encourage them to move? And if you found out they were carrying a portal to a 24-hour porn shop in their pocket everywhere they went, wouldn’t you encourage them to get rid of it?
Such a device exists: it’s called a smartphone.
I recently heard a ministry leader (whom I highly respect) tell how he helped someone break free from pornography. He began by warning them it would be a five-year journey, and led them on a path of prayer and repentance that, not surprisingly, was not very effective for quite some time. This was seen to be a normal part of the process.
It’s not. Romans 8:13 does not say, “If by the Spirit you slowly sin less and less over the next five years, you’re doing okay.” Scripture tells us that sin is something we need to kill—to be decisively violent with. Sometimes literally: “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:29).
I know, this is usually the point where people rush in to say that “we obviously shouldn’t take Jesus literally here.” But just think about it: Jesus’ logic is rock-solid. It would make way more sense to gouge out your eyeball with a screwdriver than to keep sinning and end up in hell. The reason we shouldn’t do this is not because Jesus’ logic is faulty, or too extreme: it’s because our eyes aren’t actually the cause of sin. Sin starts in the heart (Matt 5:28). Blind men can lust. And so we don’t need an enucleation; we need a heart transplant, something the Spirit does for us as we are born again and enter the New Covenant (Eze 36:26-27).2I developed these ideas at more length in this sermon on Matthew 5:27-30.
The point still stands, though: temptations for sin must be dealt with with utmost decisiveness. “Make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Rom 13:14). “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you” (Col 3:5).
When I’m talking to a guy about a porn problem, very early on I’ll ask him about the devices he’s using to access porn, and if he’s willing to get rid of them. This question is crucial, not only for the practical importance of severing his access to porn, but because of what it tells me about him. If he’s not willing to be vicious in his fight with porn, nothing is going to change. You can’t be half-hearted with fighting sin; you kill it, or it kills you. A man who is being shaped by the gospel will cherish holiness more than technological convenience.
Much of the time, total separation from technology isn’t required. Most smartphones have parental controls which, when set up properly (especially when combined with good accountability/filtering software like Covenant Eyes or Ever Accountable) can make it next to impossible to access porn. The same generally goes for computers, and even some smart TVs can be locked down to make them sufficiently safe.3This includes turning off the built-in web browser, adjusting accepted media ratings, and removing the ability to install applications.
If someone lives with others, they can help each other with device usage. Computers can be moved to shared spaces, work laptops can be left at the office, and phones can be placed in a central location each night. If these options don’t work, and no device restrictions are available, then the offending devices will need to be removed, at least for the time being.
When a guy goes through this process, it doesn’t take him five years to get off of porn. It happens as soon as he deals with his devices. And I’ve noticed, surprisingly, that he usually doesn’t miss the technology. If he takes the next steps that we’ll look at, the joy of being porn-free far outweighs the lack of entertainment or information he was used to.
3. Walk Closely with God and His People
Blocking access to pornography is not the end of the road—it’s just the beginning. For many guys, porn has been an idol, a poor replacement for the one true God. They’ve turned to it for satisfaction and significance. And if all a guy does is remove access to pornography, he puts himself in a Matthew 12:43-45 situation, biding his time until the enemy returns to his well-swept but empty heart. So it’s absolutely crucial to fill up the void left behind by pornography with a vital, growing relationship with God and His people.
I’m not talking about anything super-spiritual here: just the basic spiritual disciplines like regular devotional times, Scripture memory, and meaningful involvement with a church community. For most guys, porn kept them from either having or enjoying regular times of personal worship with God. It kept them from either having or enjoying good relationships with the people of God—particularly with women, whom they had been conditioned to see as nothing more than sex objects. As the weeds of porn are pulled out, the flowers of fellowship with God and His people can grow.
I’ll never forget one guy, just a few weeks into being porn-free, telling me how much he was enjoying reading the Bible and praying every day. The thought of going back to porn, and missing out on all of that newfound joy in fellowship with God, wasn’t even an option for him. Another man at a similar spot was discovering what it was like, for the first time in his adult life, to look at a woman and actually see a person. He did not miss the lurid lenses that he didn’t even know he wore while using porn.
This process isn’t all sunshine and roses. Lust does not die in the absence of porn, and a man needs to learn how to use the sword of the Spirit to kill the cravings still entrenched in his flesh. I’ll also warn a guy in these early weeks that he’s about to discover he struggles with a bunch of sins, totally unrelated to sex, that he had no idea about.
There’s two reasons for this. First, porn had been smothering his conscience. Every time he heard the word “sin” he thought “porn,” and the fact that “growing in holiness” means a lot more than “beating porn” is a new idea he’ll take some getting used to. The guilt from using kept him so occupied that he didn’t notice he was lazy, or played too many video games, or stayed up too late too often. Second, porn had been his refuge. He turned to porn to soothe himself when he felt hurt or lonely or angry or powerless. Without porn in his life, he might find himself loosing his temper, over-eating, or finding any number of substitutes for the refuge that he must only find in God (Psalm 61-63).
Not surprisingly, as a guy grows in these other areas, his strength and resolve to fight sexual sin grows as well. I know some men who, previously helpless before the allure of lust, found fresh resolve as they started going to bed on time, eating a healthy diet, and getting proper exercise. An undisciplined guy who caves in to every craving for food and sleep and entertainment will have a harder time saying “no” to lust than a man who has his whole body under control (1 Thess 4:4).
It’s important to not leave someone to figure this all out alone. Particularly if he’s been trapped by porn for years, a guy needs to learn—perhaps from scratch—what it means to live a normal Christian life, and maybe even a normal adult life too. And so whether it’s joining a small group, finding a mentor, or some other form of deliberate discipleship, he needs God, and he needs God’s people. This becomes the engine that drives real, lasting change, giving him a growing vision of beauty that makes porn look small and ugly in comparison.
4. Stay Proactive
We’ve already seen that beating porn requires proactivity. Staying free from porn requires continual proactivity. It’s been sad to see guys walk free from porn for months, even years, only to fall hard when they least expected it. In my experience, this typically happens when a guy drops his guard. He thought the battle was over, that it was time to relax and put his sword away. And so when his roommates go away for the weekend, and he gets home late to an empty house after a discouraging performance review at work, he’s put back on his heels by the fierce assault of temptation.
So he needs to stay vigilant. He might want to forget about the battle with porn, but Satan won’t. A man who wants to keep walking in victory needs to think like a soldier, planning ahead to defend weak spots and vulnerabilities before they get exploited by the enemy.
A part of this process can include reading a good book on the topic. “Closing the Window” by Tim Chester is the one I’ve used most often, but there’s many good options to choose from. John Piper’s excellent “Future Grace,” or the abridged “Battling Unbelief,” help us to understand and apply a biblical vision for holiness in all areas of life. Resources like this can be useful at any point in the process, but they might be particularly important a few months in to the journey to encourage a guy to stay in the game.
5. Never Forget the Gospel
When someone starts walking free from porn, it’s thrilling—especially if they’ve tried and failed before. It’s good for them to enjoy their relationship with God and others, their growing confidence, and every new victory. But it’s vital for them to keep circling back to where we started: the gospel. If they don’t, they’ll start to imagine imagine that they’re accepted by God because they don’t look at porn. And then they’re basically in the shoes of the self-righteous pharisee in Luke 18:11: “God, I thank you that I am not like other men.”
Instead, we need to remember that we’re all basically the tax collector in the story: sinners who have been shown great mercy. If God gave us what we deserve, it would be hell. An eternity of abstinence from pornography could not pay off the debt we owe. Life, forgiveness, and the ability to please God are blood-bought, Spirit-wrought gifts of abundant mercy. The months or years or decades since someone last looked at porn are a fruit, not the root, of their acceptance by the Father.
Not the labor of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law’s demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All could never could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.
The fight against pornography is but one way we live out Philippians 3:2: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” May God help us to never forget this, filling us with profound gratitude and humility as we become the purified people Jesus died to purchase (Titus 2:14).
