Trusting in God When I Don't
I don’t understand the providence of God.
I know what would make sense to me. I have my expectations. I believe my expectations are logical. But this is not what my lived experience is. There are times I am lacking. There are times I feel abandoned. And I have so many questions about the timing of what on God’s green earth is God doing.
I do believe that God is personally involved in all aspects of creation, guiding and sustaining the universe according to His perfect will. I do believe that this is true about my life too. I believe God is personally for me.
My fond name for God is Large Story God because I trust that He is holding the larger story. Even though my expectations have not been met. God’s ending for my story is going to be way better than the ending I expect to have.
I do believe this, but… Do I trust God for the outcome? Most often not. I’ve been disappointed before.
I trust God as I have trust issues with Him. I am this mix of fear and faith. I have a relationship with God whom I love and who breaks my heart.
This Psalm beautifully encourages me to wait patiently. This sounds like trusting in a Larger Story God. I don’t know what the end story is going to be so can I bravely trust the end story?
Trust is a big word in a world of relationships becoming transactions. Trust is evidence-based. Trust builds trust.
The problem is you’ve had your heart smashed so many times. You’ve had your trust violated so many times. You’ve had so many systems of broken love. You just don’t have enough heart left to trust God.
Another problem is patience. Patience, mentioned in Galatians 5 as one of the fruits of the Spirit, is often referred to as long-suffering. The original Greek word is makrothumio, meaning “long temper.” A long temper is not passive. A long temper means I must stay engaged as I pray and wait and trust and pray and wait and trust and grow angry. Because I do.
It is the people who really trust God who can vent their anger at Him. (Think about that one.)
A long temper is filled with tension because I just want this whatever to be over with. I want God to do something, be given all the glory for the wonderful story, and for my life to have a happy ending so I can move forward.
Who likes living with tension? Or uncertainty? Or patience? It’s all so…so…so unfinished.
Patience is a middle point of not becoming reckless and not becoming overly emotionally engaged. Patience allows you to stick with it so you don’t give up. Patience is willing to suffer and stick with something. Patience is uncomfortable. Patience is love. Patience is vulnerable. Patience grows muscles.
No wonder we are bad at it.
God’s love for me is a love that also waits. Love defined by me would be to rush to someone’s side to help and to fix. To have an end to this pain. Yet sometimes love also has to wait. You know this is true.
Because I have to wait for something doesn’t mean that my love is any less or that God loves me any less. It means I love so much so I am waiting for the better thing.
God is a larger story God. Meanwhile, He waits with me. This I have learned over and over. Especially when I have these long tempers with God. (These are memorable times.)
There is always a larger story unfolding and God is faithful all the way through. I know that God is for me.
Questions for Reflection:
- Do you ever have moments where you feel like God has abandoned you? What did you do about it?
- Have you ever looked back at those moments when you felt abandoned years later? Do you see how God’s mighty hand worked together for your good?
