What about the damage to the cheater's reputation? - Divorce Minister
“Keep it as quiet as possible. Just think about the damage done to other relationships if you tell them she cheated on you [aka the truth].”
-Standard (Awful) Advice
Such concern for the damage of relationships is too late in coming.
Actions reveal character. Character often shapes reputation.
The cheater already chose a bad reputation when he or she lied and cheated. People knowing who they actually are and what they actually did is not what created or destroyed their reputation. What they chose and did is what did that. If a cheater wanted to have a good reputation, he should have behaved in a way worthy of said reputation.
I do not see it as a problem for people knowing the truth.
The Bible actually instructs us:
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. -Ephesians 5:11, NIV
We in the United States too often treat adultery as if it is only a matter between a husband and wife (plus the third party). It is NOT!
A cheater does not just betray the trust of his or her beloved by cheating. The cheater also betrays the trust of the community that loves that faithful spouse and believed they could trust them with the cheater.
To insist on keeping “it quiet” is to continue the deception. I consider it lying, actually.
The community deserves to form their own (probably low) opinion of the cheater because that is an accurate assessment based upon the cheater’s actions. The difficulty in repairing those relationships is part of the consequences the cheater chose when he or she chose to lie and cheat.
That difficulty does not belong to the faithful spouse because he or she chose to end the lying and deception by sharing the truth!
Not only does the repentant cheater need to rebuild the relationship with the faithful spouse, he or she needs to rebuild the network of relationships betrayed by his or her adulterous, deceitful ways. That’s repentance.
Pressuring a faithful spouse to keep quiet about his or her sin is unrepentant behavior.
Such a cheater is signaling that he or she really isn’t willing to face and own the full consequences of his or her sin.
*A version of this post ran previously.
