What Kind of Kindness Do You Give?
Everybody believes in kindness. You do, I do. There isn’t a respectable religion or philosophy around that denies it. Kindness is such an innocuous term that any attempt to commend it seems as lame as telling the world to be nice or sending Granny into the ghetto to tell the Crips and the Bloods to be sweet.
Kindness … theoretically, we all believe in it, from the Boy Scouts on up. Yet, if history tells us anything, it tells us with sufficient documentation that mankind isn’t very kind.
You may quickly agree with that observation, but then think it’s not true of you. Maybe you shouldn't rule that out too quickly. In his book, The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis takes note of our penchant to ascribe kindness to ourselves for inadequate and questionable reasons.
The real trouble is that “kindness” is a quality fatally easy to attribute to ourselves on quite inadequate grounds. Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment. Thus, a man easily comes to console himself for all his other vices by a conviction that “his heart is in the right place” and “he wouldn’t hurt a fly,” though in fact he has never made the slightest sacrifice for a fellow creature. We think we are kind when we are only happy.
Also to be considered in this self-evaluation is the fact that much which passes for kindness is counterfeit.
Ego-Driven Kindness
There is, for example, an ego-driven kindness. This is a kindness that does its good deed in a grandstanding way. With cameras rolling and an entire nation watching, here comes Mr. CEO with a check as big as the family table these down-and-outers don’t have.
In a prepared announcement of self-promotion, he declares for all to hear how much his company cares, how they treat everyone as family, how they want to give back to the community (of course, making sure to say the name of his company in every sentence he utters).
Why, who would have ever thought these big business tycoons had such tender hearts?
Just in case somebody didn’t get the message, this guy has the nerve to divide the company contribution so he can come back on the show one or two more times to repeat this same, sad performance.
To ourselves we wonder: Whatever happened to the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing? Good question! Although, in many cases the right hand wouldn’t be too impressed if it did know.
Fenelon once observed: “Sometimes, serving others seems like a good way for self to convince itself of how good it really is.” But when such attempts to persuade are staged on a public platform before a large audience, plausibility soon plummets.
Kiss-up Kindness
Another counterfeit of kindness, similar to the first one, is the kiss-up kindness with ulterior, self-serving motives. This kind of kindness seeks to ingratiate a higher-up with the single-and-not-very-secret motive of future reward. By pampering the boss with fawning words, and by volunteering so much extra-mile service, the goal is all-too obvious: Notice me! Promote me! Favor me with your influence!
But does this jumping-through-all-the-hoops routine deserve to be called kindness?
Nauseating though it is, with all its sanguine sweetness and “honey-up-the-boss” fakeness, the flip side of this kindness may be worse. It is what we may call the “lord-it-over-you” kindness.
Lord it Over You Kindness
This is a kindness that requires payback! If not lifelong homage!
Instead of being magnanimous in their giving, some people take on the role of a haughty god by constantly reminding recipients of their indebtedness. The condescending look, the snarly tone of voice, the leverage exercised to secure a favor, the smirk, the “I own you” attitude— very upsetting!
The debt is never paid! No matter how small it is! Why, not even Mafia loan sharks demand such high interest!
Temporal Kindness
Another counterfeit to kindness, less obvious than all the others, is the temporal kindness that only distributes material goods. Jesus said that we’re to give the cup of water in his name. To give only the cup is to esteem the temporal more than the eternal. Mother Theresa did this, believing as she did in universalism (that everyone will be saved), and therefore there's no need for evangelism. But kindness is a word that has eternity written all over it.
Spiritual Kindness
The best motivation for kindness is found in Colossians 3:11–12, which declares “Christ is all and in all. Put on therefore … kindness.” We are told in this verse that because Jesus is either in or near every human heart, either indwelling or inviting, we should also extend ourselves to others, attempting to promote through our kindness a closer relationship with him.
It was in this regard that Faber declared, “Kindness is a great part of spiritual life; it is a particular participation in the Spirit of Jesus.” Embedded in this motive, you will notice, is the overriding desire to please — not us, first and foremost; and not even that other person in whom we’re investing kindness — but most of all, Jesus! In some small but significant way we want to assist what he is doing.
Did you know that the Bible calls salvation kindness? It does. The Bible declares that “… when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared … He saved us …” (Titus 3:4, 5).
Kindness is a robust term in the Bible. Its goal is to meet every need on this side of eternity, and then sweeping upward past time (which is but a blink when compared with eternity), it purposes to give access to those unending blessings that await all those saved by Jesus. This is the best kind of kindness, everlasting kindness — saving kindness!
To have met a temporal need, and only that, omits what God most wants to give. Still, we must be careful when extending kindness to the unsaved: that we do so with the tender heart Jesus showed, and not with a calculating goal to rack up another trophy for evangelism.
It is important to see people, truly see them, to reach out to them with genuine kindness. In his book, Christ the Eternal Son, A.W. Tozer conveyed much sensitivity toward the man “down on his luck.”
When he is sober enough, he still has those thoughts and memories of his boyhood and of those who loved him and nurtured him. Now he is only told to “Move on, buddy”; turned away even from the place where tramps find refuge.
He feels only the solitude of a vast and gusty universe. Blown about like the grains of dust or the leaves of autumn, he knows only the deep sense of sadness and complete orphanage, as though all that had meant anything had died.
So how can we possibly glimpse, glance, and go?
Avoiding Kindness
Jesus told a parable about people who did this — religious people, mind you, who instinctively avoided those who were hurting by remaining on the other side of the road.
Perhaps we can identify with this avoidance tendency because we too have seen those pictures of emaciated children — sick, hungry, and staring their pathetic stare. And what do we do? Same thing — stayed on the other side of the road … and on the other side of town … and on the other side of life!
The hurt doesn’t have to be a hemisphere away before we succumb to this response. Because we know people right now who are wounded in spirit, but to us they are only faceless blurs in the landscape of life. So, with scarcely a halt in our step or a tug at our heart, we pick up our already hurried pace and pursue all these preferred agendas of ours.
We do this because, quite frankly, we prefer the other side of life with all of its self-interests and ego-elevating routines. But to justify what we’re doing, we must repeatedly remind ourselves that we’ve got our own concerns, our own problems to solve, our own busy schedules.
Purposing Kindness
In contrast to this not-so-benevolent blindness, the Bible would have us to see — not just with our eyes, but with our hearts — any hurting person God has put in our path. This entails more than a bleeding-heart sympathy and the tendency to tear up whenever something sad occurs.
Many people will applaud the politician who emotes sympathy for their plight and perfects tear-in-the-voice oratory (“I feel your pain”). To the more duped and deluded, this supposed caring is all that is needed to get their vote.
The caring encouraged by Scripture, though, goes way beyond rehearsed mantras.
Again, how can we possibly glimpse, glance, and go?
We cannot! What we purpose to see should deeply touch us! So as Tozer put it, we call out. “Wait a minute, you! You with the dirt and the whiskers and the smell and the hollow, sunken cheeks, wait a minute. Someone is emotionally concerned about you!”
And that someone is us! But not only us — it is also Jesus! Do you remember our Lord’s words, “Inasmuch as you have done it to the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto Me”?
How sad it is that the kindness that can mean so much is seen so little. What may help to change this fact, at least for us, is John Watson’s encouragement, “Let us be kind to one another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle.” And that we are.
To overcome the avoidance tendency deeply engrained in us, bring this issue to the Lord today after you focus and consider well: Who do you know that needs kindness? Think it through. Allow the Holy Spirit within to guide. Then, when confirmed in prayer, follow his leading.
One final point: If you now find yourself willing to accept this encouragement and to make the change its motivation inspires, the question still needing to be answered is — what kind of kindness will you give?
