5 Ways to Sharpen Your Marriage

When my husband and I attended premarital counseling, our pastor walked us through all kinds of issues that might prove to be obstacles in our relationship. Extended family, finances, intimacy, and unrealistic expectations were just a few of the topics we dove into. 

But the one subject that sticks out most in my memory almost twenty-six years later is our personality tests. In so many ways, Jon and I were similar. But in one particular area, my scores were on one side of the continuum and Jon’s were far away on the opposite. “This can be your area of biggest conflict,” the pastor said. “But it can also be one of your biggest strengths.”

Boy, was he right.

Proverbs 27:17 tells us, “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.” As in many of the verses in this book of Wisdom, the author uses word pictures to help us envision a biblical truth. Iron sharpening iron evokes images of one piece of metal scraping and pounding against another, all in the effort to make a sharper, more useful, more effective instrument. 

However, the application goes beyond a sword or knife. In our relationships with others, we’re to be a catalyst for helping each other improve and grow. We can rub the dull edges off one another so that we will be sharper and more effective as we serve the Lord. This is especially applicable in our marriage relationship. Part of our goal as husband and wife should be to build one another up so that we can be better and stronger as we serve the Lord both together and apart. 

In twenty-five years of marriage, though, I’ve made another observation: as iron sharpens iron, there are bound to be sparks.

Proverbs isn’t the only place in Scripture where we’re called to help each other grow. Over and over again, we’re commanded to encourage one another (1 Thess. 5:11), to build one another up (Eph. 4:29), and to “stir up one another to love and good works” (Heb. 10:24 ESV). Another word that encompasses all these ideas (and is often used in the Bible) is exhortation. Exhortation doesn’t just mean happy words of comfort and support, however. It also encompasses things that are a little harder to accept—and can cause some sparks to fly.

Merriam Webster defines exhort as “to incite by argument or advice:urge strongly” or “to give warnings or advice:make urgent appeals.”¹

When we exhort someone, we’re not just encouraging them. We can also be admonishing them (Col. 3:16), reproving and rebuking them (2 Tim. 4:2), and warning them (Col. 1:28). If we want to truly sharpen those around us, we must be willing to lovingly point out both the good and the hard. We find the ultimate goal of all of this communication in the second part of Colossians 1:28:

We proclaim him, warning and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone mature in Christ. (emphasis added)

Other translations use the descriptions of “perfect” or “complete” in Christ. When we exhort one another, we are part of the process of God working in our lives to help us become the people He wants us to be. We walk alongside one another, encouraging one another to grow in our faith, to follow Jesus and become more like Him, until that day when our Savior returns and “we will see him as he is” (1 John 3:2).

It can be easy to romanticize the idea of husband and wife as iron sharpening one another. I must admit that when I was single, I had a lot of unrealistic expectations of what this might look like. 

Now that I’ve been married a while, I realize it’s not so romantic to have your husband point out your flaws, even when it’s done in a loving way. But I also understand that it’s essential. I can confidently say that throughout our marriage, Jon has often been like a whetstone, helping to grind, polish, and smooth out my rough edges.

5 Ways to be a Sharpener in Your Marriage

So, how do you take this concept of “iron sharpening iron” and incorporate it into your marriage—during the mundane moments, the mountaintop experiences, the crises when you feel as if you’ve hit the bottom? This isn’t an exhaustive list, but here are five ways Jon and I have lived this out in our marriage and seen the benefits.

Before I start, though, I want to add a disclaimer. There’s a difference between sharpening something and bludgeoning it. The first intends to make better; the latter’s purpose is to break down and destroy. Please don’t use these ideas as either a reason to endure verbal abuse in your marriage or to browbeat your husband. Remember, the goal is to lovingly help one another improve and grow in your relationship with Christ.

1. Listen more and speak less.

Elisabeth Elliot once said, “Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.” That doesn’t mean that we never speak up or point out the things that need addressing in our spouse’s life, but it does mean we often need to take a beat before we let all the words come spilling out. If we were to calculate the ratio of how much we speak to how much we listen, how would they compare?

James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” There’s a reason that God gave us two ears and one mouth! When I truly listen to what my husband says, not just casually tune in while I scroll on my phone or plan out my next day’s to-do list, I’m showing him that what he has to say is important to me. When I take the time to focus and not jump in to criticize, interrupt, or talk over what he wants to share, he feels respected and valued and will be more apt to listen to me if the time comes when I point out something that I think needs to be addressed in his life. (And the same is true when he listens to me!)

2. Be willing to receive correction.

A huge part of being sharpened is a willingness to go through the process. That means having a heart of humility and being open to correction. We find this theme running through many of the Proverbs. I counted over thirty references about receiving correction or instruction—tying it to the concepts of wisdom and foolishness. 

Proverbs 10:17 tells us that “the one who follows instruction is on the path to life, but the one who rejects correction goes astray.” Proverbs 15:32 says, “Anyone who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever listens to correction acquires good sense.” And Proverbs 12:1 puts it a little more bluntly: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but one who hates correction is stupid.”

Even though we know the value of taking correction, it doesn’t necessarily make the process any easier. Many times when my husband has (rightly) pointed out that I spoke to the kids harshly or that I was being too controlling, my first inclination was to defend myself or say, “Yeah, but . . .” Yet when I chose to swallow my retort, listen, and prayerfully consider his words, I was able to hear what God was saying to me through him and make needed changes. Even though correction can sting like antiseptic on an open wound, it’s necessary to stop the growth of harmful practices (aka sin) in our lives that lead us away from following Jesus.

3. Appreciate your differences.

My husband and I have a lot of similarities, and many of these characteristics are what drew us together in the first place. But, as the pastor pointed out in premarital counseling, there are areas of big differences—ones that could help make us better and stronger or could cause friction and contention. 

My husband is much more comfortable with conflict than I am, and there have been times when his approach has left me twitching and uncomfortable. Yet over time, I’ve come to appreciate how he handles this area and have learned from him how to approach conflict in healthy and beneficial ways. At the same time, Jon admits that my more peacemaker ways have shown him when to back off in tense situations and to remember that the goal is not about winning but maintaining the relationship. 

As we’ve learned to appreciate this difference (and others), it’s helped us to become aware of areas where we’ve not been following Jesus and allowed sinful attitudes and habits infiltrate our lives. Not only has this improved our relationship, but it’s impacted (in a good way) our interactions and relationships with those around us. 

4. Be kind. 

It’s almost always painful and uncomfortable to have our flaws pointed out, so when you do speak, do it out of love. The Bible calls us to speak “the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15). As I often tell my children, it’s not just a matter of what we say, but how we say it—tone, body language, facial expressions, etc. 

Kindness goes both ways in this equation. When you’re the one on the receiving end, ask God to help you understand the heart behind what your husband says to you, even if his words are fumbling or blunt. Not everyone has the gift of eloquence in our speech (I’m raising my hand high here!), and words don’t always come out as we intended them to. We can give each other grace in both giving and receiving exhortation.

5. Give each other some space.

The Bible doesn’t specifically say that we should give one another space in our relationships, but it does tell us that we “should look not to [our] own interests, but rather to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:4). So, we need to be mindful of when the other person needs us to back off so they can process what we’ve shared with them. Scripture also tells us that “there is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven” (Eccles. 3:1). This goes hand in hand with knowing when to speak and when to be silent.

When I asked my husband what he thought had been beneficial in our marriage for iron to sharpen iron, this was his first response. And as I reflected on how this has looked in our relationship, I realized how important it is. So often I’ve wanted to fix the situation that moment or immediately hear my husband’s response. But what he needed was to have time and space by himself to marinate in what we had talked about and to take time to hear from God.

The Process of Sharpening

For Christmas this year, Jon gave me a knife sharpener. Even though my kids poked fun at this being an appropriate gift, I was appreciative. I cook a lot, and using dull knives to cut food takes more time, makes the job more difficult, and increases the likelihood that I will cut myself. But it takes some time to go through the process of sharpening each knife in the block on my counter; I can’t just run a knife through the sharpener once and voilà, it’s razor sharp and ready to go. It’s a process that takes several minutes of me pulling the blade through the sharpener over and over until it slides smoothly through the item I’m cutting.

Being sharpened in marriage (or any relationship) isn’t instantaneous. It can be a long, painstaking process that will most likely hit a lot of bumps along the way. It’s important to be patient with your spouse and yourself. And it’s important to uphold everything in prayer. 

There have definitely been periods throughout our marriage when one or both of us have dulled in our relationship with one another and in our relationship with Jesus. Communication was more difficult, and it took increased effort to foster closeness and communion. We’ve hurt one another—sometimes by accident and sometimes on purpose.

Yet with patience, prayer, and practicing the five points above, we’ve sharpened one another. Some of the moments when the sparks have flown the highest, when we’ve helped each other to hone our edges and smooth out our rough spots, have done the most work in making our marriage a better picture of the gospel and more effective for God’s kingdom.

What does your husband want for Valentine’s Day? The answer might surprise you. What he really wants is encouragement. Chocolates and a card last for a day, but thirty days of encouragement could pave the way for a lifetime of love. Find out how in the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge from Revive Our Hearts, available TODAY ONLY for just $5 in our Friday 5 Flash Sale!

¹ Merriam-Webster Dictionary, “exhort,” accessed January 27, 2025, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/exhort.