Do you have regret? How many hours, weeks, or years have you lost rehearsing former times? What accusations are you laying out on yourself?
Of late, I’ve been rehearsing a scenario of an opportunity lost that hasn’t returned. I’ve beaten myself up, so frustrated with myself. I beat myself up saying, “Why did you say that? Why didn’t you say this? Why were you so afraid? You keep hiding. You are never going to change.”
Heap. Heap. Heap. We sure can shovel it on inside our head can’t we?
Some regrets tie life and death together. I have one related to my dad. My dad suffered from severe depression, PTSD from Vietnam, and a few other debilitating things. He was a gentle soul, kind and giving, very funny and extremely smart. He loved me deeply and rarely expressed upset towards me.
During a Christmas trip to Arizona in 2000 though it was different. While he didn’t verbally express it, his countenance let me know he was very hurt I was only giving him a couple hours at the end of a week long visit. I was struggling at the time processing a divorce and had my own depression. But he was struggling too.
It was a struggle I’d seen several years prior. During that prior time, I’d taken a leave of absence to care of him. I didn’t want to “see” it or experience that again, so I tried to pretend it away. This didn’t work.
So in 2000, for Christmas, we went to Denny’s for dinner. I was at our table “blah-blah-blahing” about nothing, avoiding heart-to-heart conversation. He was disinterested in my fake talk. He was focused on the frail senior woman eating alone at a large family size table. In my perception, he was having a heart-to-heart with her not me. My father knew this loneliness and “saw” her.
If there is a painting I ever could have painted, this scene would be my choice. The details and colors are etched in memory. It spoke volumes about the depth of soul within him. It’s one of the greatest teachable moments he had with me, though he never knew it.
We finished our dinner and I said goodbye. I drove back to California with weight of regret already building. Little did I know this would be the last time I would see my father.
After I got home, I poured out in a card how sad I was that he was so sad; and that I didn’t know what to do and was sorry for ignoring his pain at Christmas. He never got it. He died of a heart attack the first week of January 2001. I found my card in his mailbox. R.E.G.R.E.T.
Were it not for being able to discern between the accuser’s voice and God’s voice, this heap of regret and others would drown me. Were it not for God’s tender mercy and forgiveness, the voice of condemnation would win.
The LORD knows how to use regret to change us, not destroy us. He takes what is meant to destroy and instead will use it to form His image in his children. Regret has redemption in Christ.
Where are you in discerning between the voice that accuses and the voice that transforms? In the meditation sessions, it’s clear many struggle with an internal voice accusing them and pitting them against the graces of God. Sweetly in these sessions, the LORD is connecting people to their destructive internal recording. He is connecting people to the lies weighing them down and discouraging their hearts. I’ve held 8 sessions so far, 70+ attending, many telling me the lies they rehearse have too much control. We take it to God’s mercy seat in prayer for relief.
Do you struggle or just really need to invest time with God in prayer? If so, please consider attending a meditation and linger longer with God. I’ve scheduled 2 sessions in June, one on “Forgiveness”, another called “The FATHER’S LOVE”. I encourage you to attend one! Experience the relief of His presence and the comfort of receiving prayer. Go to the calendar page to sign up. Seating is limited.
On a final note, if
you want more context on the LORD personally defending you against the voice of the accuser, go to this previous post. It is references the LORD rebuking the accuser on behalf of his servant. He will repeatedly rebuke the accuser on your behalf too! Blessings!
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