David: Parenting Courageously

David had a large family. David had eight wives, many concubines, nineteen sons, and at least one daughter. Before he became the king of a united monarchy, David had three wives: David’s first wife was Michal, the daughter of Saul. Michal did not give any children to David. David’s second wife was Ahinoam, a woman from Jezreel. She was the mother of Amnon, David’s first born.

David’s third wife was Abigail, the widow of Nabal. David and Abigail had a son named Chileab. Chileab probably died as an infant since his name is not mentioned anywhere else in the rest of David’s story.

After David became king of the united monarchy, David married Maacah, his fourth wife. Maacah was the daughter of Talmai, king of Geshur (2 Samuel 3:3). David’s marriage with Maacah was a political arrangement to cement an alliance with the Geshurites. Maacah was the mother of Tamar and Absalom.

David’s relationship with his two oldest surviving sons was not good. One son followed in his footsteps. Amnon, his firstborn son, raped his sister. David’s son, Absalom, raped his father’s concubines and tried to steal the throne from his father.

David as a father did not set a good example to his sons. David made four mistakes in his role as a father that forever changed the relationship between father and sons. David’s failure becomes a lesson to fathers who desire to become role models to their own children.

David and Amnon

The story of Amnon, David’s firstborn son, is a tragic story of deception, incest, and rape. It is a story that brought alienation between brothers and between father and sons. The story begins with the introduction of the main characters whose actions will have a profound impact on the life of David as a father.

David’s eldest son Amnon fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful daughter of David, and Absalom’s sister (2 Samuel 13:1). Tamar was Amnon’s half-sister. They had the same father but different mothers.

Amnon was deeply in love with his half sister Tamar. Ammon wanted to have sex with Tamar, however, it was impossible for him to have her because she was a virgin and forbidden to be alone with him.

Because of his obsession with Tamar, Amnon became very depressed. When Jonadab, Amnon’s friend, saw how miserable his friend was, he asked him the reason for his dejection. Amnon told Jonadab that he was in love with his sister Tamar. He also told Jonadab the reason he could not have her.

Jonadab then developed a plan that would allow Amnon to have his sister. Jonadab told Amnon to pretend to be sick and ask his father to send Tamar to help him during the time of his illness.

So, Amnon pretended to be sick and when David came to see him, Amnon said to David, “Please let my sister Tamar come and make a couple of cakes in my sight, so that I may eat from her hand” (2 Samuel 13:6).

When David returned to the palace, he said to Tamar, “Go to your brother Amnon’s house, and prepare food for him” (2 Samuel 13:7). In allowing Tamar to go to Amnon’s house and by giving permission for her to be alone with Amnon, David made a big mistake.

David’s first mistake was that he did not know his son Amnon well. David did not really know what kind of person Amnon was. Because of his many responsibilities as a king, David did not prioritize knowing his son. He did not invest time to know Amnon. In fact, Jonadab knew Amnon better than his father David.

Amnon revealed his true character when he was alone with Tamar. When Tamar came to the house, Amon grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister” (2 Samuel 13:11). Tamar resisted Amnon’s advances. She said to him, “Don’t force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing” (2 Samuel 13:12).

The Hebrew word translated “wicked thing” is nebālāh. Often in the Hebrew Bible, the word nebālāh refers to sexual immorality. Ammon’s rape of Tamar was incest. His action was a disgraceful and sinful act, an act that was a violation of the moral standard that prevailed in Israel.

Amnon refused to listen to his sister. As a result of his intransigence, Tamar was raped. In shame, Tamar said to Ammon, “What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace?” (2 Samuel 13:13). After being violated by her brother, she puts ashes on her head, tore her garment, put her hands on her head, and went away crying with a loud voice as she went to the house of Absalom. Tamar lived the rest of her life with Absalom, a desolate and disgraced woman, like a lonely widow who refused to be comforted.

The behavior of Amnon reveals David’s second mistake in dealing with his sons. David failed to be a model for a lifestyle that his sons could follow. David had set a bad example to Amnon. David had raped and committed adultery with Bathsheba. His son Amnon committed incest by raping Tamar. Like father, like son (Ezekiel 16:44).

David and Absalom

When David was told what Amnon had done to Tamar, David was furious but refused to act and discipline his son: “When King David heard of all these things, he became very angry, but he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn” (2 Samuel 13:21 NRSV).

David made his third mistake as a father when he failed to discipline Amnon for his shameful behavior. The wise man said, “Discipline your children, and they will give you rest; they will give delight to your heart” (Proverbs 29:17). David’s failure to discipline his son for his immoral behavior led to inactivity. The consequences of David’s failure and his inactivity brought more pain and more anguish to his life.

The news of Tamar’s rape affected Absalom in a personal way, “Absalom hated Amnon, because he had raped his sister Tamar” (2 Samuel 13:22). Because David failed to punish Amnon for raping his sister, Absalom decided to vindicate the honor of his sister by killing Amnon.

Two years later, on an occasion when Absalom was having his flocks sheared, he invited David and all the king’s sons to come and celebrate with him. When David refused the invitation, Absalom said to his father, “If you are not coming, then please let my brother Amnon come with us” (2 Samuel 13:26). At the request of Absalom, Amnon and the king’s sons came to the celebration.

At the celebration, Absalom told his servants, “Wait until Amnon gets drunk; then at my signal, kill him” (2 Samuel 13:28 NLT). When the king’s sons saw that Amnon was killed, they fled, afraid for their lives. David was told that all his sons had been killed. When David heard the news, he tore his garments and lay down on the ground. All his servants who were with him also tore their garments to show their grief.

Then Jonadab, the same Jonadab that had advised Amnon to rape his sister, said to David, “No, don’t believe that all the king’s sons have been killed! It was only Amnon! Absalom has been plotting this ever since Amnon raped his sister Tamar” (2 Samuel 13:32 NLT).

After Amnon was killed, Absalom fled Judah and took refuge with Talmai, king of Geshur. The reason Absalom sought asylum with Talmai, the king of Geshur, was because Talmai was his maternal grandfather. Absalom stayed in Geshur for three years.

Absalom was now David’s oldest surviving son, and David missed him, “And King David, now reconciled to Amnon’s death, longed to be reunited with his son Absalom” (2 Samuel 13:39 NLT). Joab saw how much David longed for his son. He decided to facilitate the reunion between David and Absalom.

Joab contacted a wise woman from Tekoa (2 Samuel 14:2) and invited her to come before David and convince the king to bring his son back to Jerusalem. The woman came before David pretending to be a widow who was mourning for her son. The woman was crying for help and told David a sad story.

She said to David, “Your maidservant had two sons. The two of them came to blows out in the fields where there was no one to stop them, and one of them struck the other and killed him” (2 Samuel 14:6). Her story (2 Samuel 14:4–13) is similar to Nathan’s parable (2 Samuel 12:1–7) in which David incriminated himself.

After the woman told her story to David, David again incriminated himself. The woman said to David, “You have convicted yourself in making this decision, because you have refused to bring home your own banished son” (2 Samuel 14:13 NLT).

The wise woman of Tekoa was used by God to address the issue of separation between father and son. When David learned that Joab had instructed the wise woman on what to say, David said to Joab, “Very well, I will do it. Go, bring back the young man Absalom” (2 Samuel 14:21). With David’s permission, Joab went to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem.

Once Absalom returned to Jerusalem, David refused to see him. David told Joab: “‘Let him go to his own house; he is not to come into my presence.’ So Absalom went to his own house, and did not come into the king’s presence” (2 Samuel 14:24). David spent two years without seeing his son, “Absalom lived two full years in Jerusalem, without coming into the king’s presence” (2 Samuel 14:28).

David’s refusal to see Absalom for two years reveals David’s fourth failure in dealing with his sons. David refused to reconcile with his son. When there is family conflict, the need for reconciliation becomes the most important factor in healing the relationship between the conflicting parties.

Eventually, David summoned Absalom to come before him. When Absalom came before his father, he “prostrated himself with his face to the ground before the king” (2 Samuel 14:33). Touched by the action of his son, David kissed Absalom.

The reconciliation between father and son occurred because they were willing to come together and deal with their problems. As long as they were apart, there was no healing of the broken relationship. The process of reconciliation, at times, required a third party to bring two people together. Joab took the initiative to bring reconciliation between David and Absalom and he was successful in his attempt at reconciling father and son.

Absalom’s Rebellion

Even though David and Absalom had reconciled, Absalom had lost his respect for his father’s lack of action in punishing Amnon for the rape of his sister. As a result, Absalom plotted to take the throne away from his father.

Absalom tried to gain the allegiance of the people by emphasizing the failures of his father. Absalom came before the gate and whenever an individual had a case that needed to be decided by the king, Absalom would say, “It is clear that your claim is right and just, but there is no one assigned to you by the king to hear it” (2 Samuel 15:2–3).

By undermining the king’s role as a fair judge, Absalom won the hearts of the people, “Absalom did this with everyone who came to the king for judgment, and so he stole the hearts of all the people of Israel” (2 Samuel 15:6 NLT).

Four years later, Absalom went to Hebron with two hundred men from Jerusalem, who came under false pretense. People from all over Israel came to Hebron and there they proclaimed, “Absalom has become king at Hebron!” (2 Samuel 15:10).

When David heard that Absalom had gained the allegiance of the people of Israel, David decided to flee Jerusalem in order to spare a conflict with Absalom. David said to his officials, “Come! We must flee, or none of us will escape from Absalom. We must leave immediately, or he will move quickly to overtake us and bring ruin upon us and put the city to the sword” (2 Samuel 15:14 NIV).

As David and his official fled Jerusalem, the people wept with a loud voice as the royal entourage passed by them. David fled Jerusalem as a fugitive because, full of hatred for his father, Absalom had stolen the throne from him. David’s household was in disarray because of David’s failure as a father.

Application

My pastor, Jeff Griffin, Senior Pastor of The Compass Church in Naperville, Illinois preached a sermon on June 18, 2023 titled “David: Parenting Courageously.” The sermon was based on 2 Samuel 15:1–37. Many of the ideas and concepts mentioned in the post above are based on Jeff’s sermon.

In his sermon, Jeff emphasized the four mistakes David made in dealing with his sons. David did not invest time knowing his sons and as a result, his sons brought much pain and anguish to his heart.

Jeff emphasized in his sermon that good parents need to spend time knowing their children. Parents must enter their children’s world and discover what their interests are. Parents must bond with their children.

Jeff also emphasized that parents must model a life of faith and integrity to their children. Children know how their parents live and they see what their parents do. Often, children adopt their parents’ values, but they do not embrace their parents’ boundaries. Children must know that there are consequences for their actions.

Jeff concluded his sermon by saying that the curse of bad parenting can be broken by one’s commitment to God. Godly parents can produce godly children.

A Video Presentation

“David: Parenting Courageously.” A Sermon by Jeff Griffin.

For the complete list of sermons of the life of David, read my post, David – The Life of a King.

For a complete list of posts based on Jeff Griffin’s sermons, visit my post The Sermons of Jeff Griffin.

RELATED POSTS

David’s Family

Tamar: Raped, Abandoned, But Not Forgotten

Claude Mariottini
Emeritus Professor of Old Testament
Northern Baptist Seminary

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