Do Not Grow Weary
I’m writing from a hotel in Helsinki, Finland.
I arrived in the UK on the first leg of this trip Saturday, October 11. The following Wednesday and Thursday we had a stand at the Christian Resources Exhibition in Sandown Park.
From Sunday through Thursday afternoon I had a cloud of spiritual and emotional sludge with depression, discouragement, thoughts of quitting, physical weakness, and LC symptoms following me around. I gave live talks both days of the show; the cloud turned into a storm in the minutes leading up to the time I spoke. The enemy, of course, doesn’t want us speaking openly about sexual issues and the masses of God’s people in bondage.
This is from my journal Wednesday night:
“Rough day today. First day of CRE. Painful to breathe right up until I did the live talk at 11:30am. Felt like a gray cloud was hanging over me most of the day at the show. Depression, dark thoughts, thoughts about my health being so bad that I needed to fly back home. Irrational fears. Warfare. At one point I even asked God why it was so hard.”
It’s always interesting to watch people’s reactions as they walk past my booth. Some glance at the statistics and the bright red “porn” sign and move along hurriedly, avoiding eye contact. Some gawk, stare for a few moments, and then go. A few get offended and make sharp comments. Then there are those that walk up, share their stories and struggles, ask about what we offer, express thanks that I came, even pray for me. I had quite a few engaging conversations. The talks were well received and there is a possibility of open doors in the future.
Sunday I was to give the morning message at the Church on Berryfields in Aylesbury. I had been staying in an Airbnb. Saturday night a new occupant checked into the room next to me; they had their TV on all night and into the early morning hours and were talking loudly. The walls were thin and I didn’t sleep well. Sunday morning I was tired and the long covid symptoms kicked in with a sense of anxiety that went on until moments before I got up to speak.
During times like this when the warfare is ongoing, prayer is critical. So is locking onto the truth that God is there, faithful, mighty, and will see me through no matter how I feel. Even when I felt the worse there was a sense that God was giving me what I needed.
Early in the trip the Lord put 2 Thessalonians in front of my face:
“But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary of doing good.”
I turned to that verse often. Sometimes all we have to do is stand firm, not back down, and let God fight. In other situations we have to be engaged in prayer. I ask Him for wisdom often on what I need to do to press through. I also ask Him what He wants me to learn and understand. Since God allows us to go through trials and warfare, there’s something He has for us. Recently I’ve been asking Him for a greater understanding of the blessings of suffering.
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-3
The last 2 nights here in Finland I’ve had warfare nights where I got woken up with attacks and had to get up and pray. There have been battles against anxiety and getting hit with more thoughts of giving up and going home. One night I felt like I was going crazy.
Tomorrow night I speak to the youth at the Evangelical Free Church in Tampere, Finland then Saturday we have a conference.
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.”
James 1:12
What God is saying to me I believe He is saying to many of you. Pour your life out for that which counts for eternity, keep going, don’t give up, persevere. God is far bigger than our circumstances and struggles and there is a purpose and benefit to what you’re going through.
At the end of my Sunday morning message last week, my last words to the church were “Don’t waste your life.”
Thank you for praying.
