Drowning in Doubt While Singing for Jesus: When a Zoegirl Doubts Her Faith

The following is an excerpt from my book, Another Gospel?

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The curve of the rocking chair arm dug into my hip as I held my restless toddler, singing a hymn into the darkness— darkness so thick it felt as if it were made of physical matter, choking the cries right out of my throat as I prayed to a God I wasn’t sure was even there. “God, I know you’re real,” I whispered. “Please let me feel your presence. Please.”

Nothing.

I didn’t feel even the slightest goose bump or the familiar warmth that used to signify his presence to me. Swollen in breast and belly, my pregnant body ached as my little girl scampered around my lap trying to find a place to settle. Though the words seemed stuck behind my lips, I found a way to sing them out:
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Before the throne of God above;
I have a strong and perfect plea . . .

Everything hurt. But I didn’t protest. I remembered the promise I’d made while in the deepest pains of labor before my daughter was born. I will never again complain about being miserably uncomfortable, I’d declared to myself. When you’re enduring pain that profound, you would give anything to simply be miserably uncomfortable.

After eighteen hours of back labor and five hours of pushing, Dyllan was born in distress. She was welcomed into the world by being swept out of my arms, laid on a cold metal table, and held down as tubes were stuck down her trachea. Those tubes saved her life. But it was a vexing cure. Her birth had traumatized us both.
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Even so, God’s peace overwhelmed me, and when they finally laid her back in my arms, I took one look at her and I knew. I knew with the kind of knowing that emerges from a place so deep inside, you don’t even realize it’s there until you need it. I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her now. No mountain so towering I wouldn’t climb it for her. No ocean so deep I wouldn’t swim it for her. No battle so formidable I wouldn’t fight it for her.
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But I had no idea this would be tested so soon. As I rocked my toddler that night, I was in labor again, but this time it wasn’t physical. The labor was spiritual. And it wasn’t a battle I had to fight just for myself. Two souls would depend on the outcome of this particular conflict of faith.

A great High Priest whose name is love;
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

But does he?

Is God really on a mystical throne somewhere out beyond the expanses of space?

Is he even aware of me?

Is everything I’ve ever believed about him a lie?

​What happens when we die?

My name is graven on his hands;
My name is written on his heart . . .

But is it?

Is the Bible really God’s Word?

Is the only identity I’ve ever known a complete sham?

What am I supposed to tell my children?

Is religion really just the opiate of the masses?

Does God even exist at all?

“Remember, God, when Dyllan was born? Remember the peace that came over me in a wave I couldn’t control? I remember. Your peace.

“Remember New York, God? Remember that day? I needed you. I remember. I remember you cradling me with your presence as I lay in my bed, feeling like I would die.”

Or was it something else? Had those just been synapses in my brain firing in response to stress or excitement, sending a cocktail of endorphins and adrenaline through my body? Is that all it ever was? Every worship service, camp meeting, and Bible study?

I believe. Help my unbelief.

It felt like I’d been plunged into a stormy ocean with waves crashing over my head. No lifeboat. No rescue in sight. In the 2000 film The Perfect Storm, one of the last images (spoiler alert) is of the giant ship being capsized and pushed underwater by a wave the size of a skyscraper. The tiniest form of a human head peeks above the water for a split second before disappearing into the depths.

That was me.

What on earth would cause a strong and devout Christian to doubt her faith? Why would a member of the popular Christian music group ZOEgirl, which toured the world giving altar calls and inspiring many young teens to proclaim their faith and “shout it from the mountain,” suddenly have doubts? 

The one you would never worry about. The one you just knew would be fine. The one who would never doubt her faith. When I was about ten years old, my mom was a volunteer at the Fred Jordan Mission in Los Angeles. She would take us with her to work the soup lines on weekends, and it was there that I watched her hug prostitutes and wrap blankets around smelly homeless guys. It was there I watched my dad, a Christian recording artist, lead worship for crowds of cold and hungry souls as they sang “Amazing Grace” at the top of their lungs.

Feeding the hungry. Clothing the naked. Loving the outcast. This is what was modeled to me as genuine Christianity. It’s just what Christians did. They prayed, they read their Bibles, and they served. It wasn’t perfect, but it was the real thing.
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So I can’t say I grew up with a blind faith. My faith was informed by witnessing the gospel in action. But it was intellectually weak and untested. I had no frame of reference or toolbox to draw from when every belief I had been so sure of was called into question. And it wasn’t an atheist, secular humanist, Hindu, or Buddhist who facilitated my eventual faith crisis—it was a Christian. More specifically, it was a progressive Christian pastor.

Continue reading in my new book, Another Gospel? A Lifelong Christian Seeks Truth in Response to Progressive Christianity ⤵️
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Thank you so much for the work you've done to bring this book to life. In my little "pond" of the world, your book and insights are making ripples … for which I am thankful.

Thank you.

This book is compassionate, eye-opening and convicting. It is extremely timely in its release. Reminds me to “be a Berean” with my guard on and test every speaker and teacher with Scripture which stands unchanging for eternity. “Be aware of your hackles”!

Hi Alisa,

I discovered your videos on YouTube, and I have really enjoyed watching you tackle the tough issues of the day. I have a doubting story as well, but I actually fully renounced my faith for a few years in my twenties. Back now though, for a few years even.

When you talk about lifeboats, you are speaking the truth. There are many people out there who are on the verge of leaving the faith because they have tons of questions that no one seems to have any good answers to, and also because they have some misconceptions about what Christianity is. My doubts about my faith lead to actually major in philosophy for my undergrad.

I plan on buying your book soon. This was a moving chapter. God never gives up, and He uses many roundabout ways to teach us the lessons we seem too stubborn to learn the easy way.

Thank you so much for your work Alisa. I read your book in one day. It was so eye opening and now I understand why some that say they are Christ followers think and behave they way they do.

This book is such an eye opener to what’s going on in our culture today. Some of our adult children have bought this lie and turned their backs in the true gospel. I love how she said we need to fall in love with Bible! That’s the truth standard!! Take everything back to scripture and see if it is inline with Gods Word. I couldn’t put this book down!

Hi Alisa,

I just ordered your book. Can’t wait to read it.

Blessings,
Loes

Alisa, I have already read about half your book! It's great!! God has raised you up for such a time as this. May He cause great favor to attend your testimony and your well reasoned apologetics…. so that His name is lifted high!
When I see these pictures of your street evangelism from the early years I am so grateful that you fought your way out of the labyrinth of progressive teaching…or perhaps it's better to say that your "Great High Priest whose name is Love" led you out. Your book will help others escape too and as a pastor I plan to recommend it often.

Our middle aged children have also turned their backs on truth and are going down the PC path. They also were passionate believers during their youth, through high school, college and into youth pastorship. Took us a while to figure and understand what was happening till we ran across your videos and podcasts. Now we totally understand where they are coming from and can pray and respond accordingly….. wisely, with care, kindness and love. I am looking forward to reading your new book, which was shipped weeks ago. Right now it is who knows where as the courier is trying to find it.

Hello Alisa,
Your Apologetics for our inherited Christianity from the past 2,000 years and your matching Polemics against Progressive Christianity, which is more concerned about the present and the future, seems to me to entail a single Conservative position. However, I grew up in a very conservative home but I later modified my beliefs and concepts, in order to adapt myself to our current modern Science, Ethology, Anthropology and Sociology. Therefore, my intellectual world and my religious attitude is now not a matter of being "either-or" but of being "both-and", which includes exploring both the past and the future. I now wonder whether you can accomodate such open-minded and integrated thinking in your Christian perspective and within your Christian apologetics.

As concerning the Word of life, Luke 10 section 25-28 says: On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" "What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."
Luke 18 section 18-25 says: A certain ruler asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" "Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good–except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.'" "All these I have kept since I was a boy," he said. When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When he heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. Jesus looked at him and said, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
Matthew 5 section 43-48 says: "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
In Old Testament, the Jewish people and their ancestors were given the Law to observe. First, What Adam and Eve should observe was that they could not eat the fruits from the tree of wisdom. Then, their son Cain was told that he should not kill. As sins became increased, the laws were also added more. Up to the generation of Moses, the Law in Old Testament was given to Israelites. We know that the Law is good and the Law is used to punish people who commit sins, but people cannot obey the Law because the sinful spirits are in people. Even that we know stealing and giving false testimony are sinful, but greedy and pride spirits in us drive us to do sinful things. So as Old Testament prophesied we need to get rid of our sinful nature from our spirits.
Jeremiah 31 section 31-33 says: "The time is coming," declares the Lord, "when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah. It will not be like the covenant I made with their forefathers when I took them by the hand to lead them out of Egypt, because they broke my covenant, though I was a husband to them," declares the Lord. "This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time," declares the Lord. "I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people.
Ezekiel 36 section 24-27 says: "'For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
The prophecies are fulfilled when Jesus begins to teach love. The two greatest commandments are " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Love is above the Law and if people have love they are free from the law of sin and death. People who are full of love will not think about stealing or giving false testimony but are merciful and they feed hungry people or give thirsty people something to drink or invite strangers in or clothe people who need clothes. The Law is for people who commit sins. Nobody will say that he will get reward because he does not steal before. But love is the grace we get. And with love we will get eternal life.
Romans 13 section 8-10 says: Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
Luke 17 section 2

I’ve been in the middle of my own faith crisis for about a year and a half now. So many parts of your story echo mine and as I read your words, “I believe, help me in my unbelief,” I have a little more hope knowing you came out the other side like you did. Your videos on YouTube have been deeply influential to me as I wade through my questions too. What if I am making all of this up? What if just positive thinking is what has turned things around, not the Holy Spirit? What am I here for? I have five small children I am discipling at home and while the “right” words come out of my mouth, my heart and mind are begging God to let me know they are real. That he is real. Thank you for sharing your story, for being real and for being truthful and obedient.