Fighting the “Good Fight” in Marriage

While taekwondo is mainly for self-defense, I learned more. I learned how to fight fair. Sparring sessions were conducted according to rules of engagement. We showed respect for opponents while we learned effective ways for defense.

There’s a correlation here to coping with conflicts within marriage. To fight effectively, you need skills to ensure your relationship survives the battles. 

I remember the first two fights in married life—when my husband tried to teach me to play golf (I still laugh about that one) and when we had to cut down a tree. Both were totally insignificant and did not warrant arguments! 

Now, after more than 35 years of marriage and working things out together, we’ve found a few practices that keep things from getting out of hand in our disagreements. 

First, never attack your spouse’s character, intelligence, or stuff from the past. Your life partner needs to be assured of your love, respect, and commitment…even if you don’t feel those things at the moment. However, you can say, “When you do this, it makes me feel (sad, angry, disrespected, whatever).” This helps your partner understand you better and why the issue is a problem for you.

Pick your timing. Right after a stressful day at work isn’t a good moment, especially at dinnertime when you’re “hangry.” Wait until you both can discuss things rationally. 

Be patient. One of our friends says his eyes glaze over when his wife pulls out the calendar to plan their schedule. But rather than complain, he endures this lengthy process because he knows it’s important to his wife and he trusts her judgment.

Get on the same page about an issue. Attack the situation together as a team, without attacking each other.  Money problems? First establish the desired outcome, such as getting out of credit card debt. Then discuss methods to reach that conclusion. Agree to brainstorm and listen to your spouse’s ideas.  

Be prepared to apologize, if necessary, in true humility. Strive to correct your own behavior, and ask your spouse to lovingly encourage you to do better. If your spouse is in the wrong (and agrees about it), look for praiseworthy moments to validate any progress being made. Most problems aren’t overcome immediately. Give your loved one time to adjust behavior or attitudes. 

Value your spouse’s virtues. Even when you’re mad as a hornet, recite your spouse’s good qualities to yourself as you’re counting to 10 to calm down. 

Pick your battles. Major on the majors, minor on the minors. Find humor in forgetfulness. Sometimes I even play games. I’ll see how long it takes for my hubby to figure out something I wish he would do. For years, he never noticed that I picked up his randomly scattered shoes and returned them to their proper spot. He believed in the “shoe fairy” until I finally (and gently) pointed out that his big shoes were a stumbling hazard for me. He has put them out of the way ever since, and we never had an argument about it.

Finally, pray for God’s guidance, wisdom, and forbearance with each other. Marriage is where the rubber meets the road in the Christian life. Our marriage has been much blessed—we’ve experienced more quibbles than quarrels, by the grace of God and the love of Christ. It’s easier to forgive each other when we remember how much He’s forgiven us.

This Valentine’s Day and throughout February, read Romans 12. Encourage your spouse with words of praise. Let go of little irritations, and remember why this person is your beloved. May God bless you with a season of renewed love and respect for this person who shares life with you!*

Jesus, You have planted my spouse in my life and heart to be my partner, until death do us part. Please help me in our daily conflicts, and draw us closer together through Your guidance. Soften our hearts so that we can cope with battles around us and within our homes. Give me Your strength to be patient, and help my spouse to overlook my flaws. Rekindle our love for each other so that we may joyfully serve You together as husband and wife. In Your loving name, Amen.  

Nancy C. Williams is a Christian wife/mom with a writing career spanning more than 40 years in business and journalism. Williams is the author of the novel To Love a Falcon and the devotional book A Crocus in the Desert: Devotions, Stories, and Prayers for Women Experiencing Infertility. Her blogs are featured on Crossmap.com and AriseDaily. To follow Nancy’s posts and news, go to her home page at NancyCWilliams.com and subscribe at the bottom. 

© Copyright 2025 Nancy C. Williams (text and photography). Unless otherwise noted, Scripture verses are taken from the New King James Version®, Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved. #maritalarguments #marriage #fightingfair #Christianmarriage #taekwondo #resolvingconflicts #Christiancounseling

Note: I strongly encourage Christian counseling for couples who have ongoing conflicts without resolutions. Seek immediate help if you’re experiencing any kind of violence or verbal abuse.