For I see that you are poisoned by bitterness and bound by iniquity- Acts 8:23 NKJV 

Everyone (no matter how spiritual) is tempted to hold onto feelings of bitterness at some point in their lives. This is because bitterness rarely occurs in a vacuum. Too often life is wildly disappointing. Moreover, people can be disappointing. People sometimes hurt us in ugly and shocking ways that make resentment, anger and unforgiveness make sense in our minds. Disappointment and bitterness go hand-in-hand. Further complicating the whole messy muddle, entertaining feelings of bitterness feels kind of awesome, at least for a while. The writer of Hebrews 12:14 warns bitter feelings allowed to run wild will eventually grow into a “root of bitterness”. It says:

See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many become defiled- NASB

The writer of Hebrews is obviously warning their readers that bitterness is (for want of another term) super bad. The writer also wants readers to understand bitterness is grotesquely consequential. No one in their right mind wants to miss out on the grace (mercy, kindness, generosity) of God. Nor do normal, spiritually healthy people want to defile (corrupt, ruin, pervert) others with the corruption of their own heart.  

The kind of bitterness the writer of Hebrews is warning their readers about is more than just temporary anger or fleeting resentment. A bitter root is anger and resentment that takes up habitation in a person’s heart and becomes a focus of their thinking. A bitter root is offense that has mutated into deep-seated unforgiveness (Ephesians 4:26). Bitterness is initially directed at the person or people who caused the pain. However, if bitterness is allowed to settle it becomes directed towards those who had nothing to do with the hurt. When we allow bitterness to become a stronghold, we can even become bitter towards God.  

Yikes.

Bitterness is choosing anger and resentment over forgiveness and mercy (Matthew 18:21-23, Matthew 6:12-15).  This choice stalls our spiritual growth and steals our personal peace. Bitterness can even steal the joy of our salvation. All that to say, a bitter root is bad. Really, really bad.  So, what do we do about bitterness? How do we deal with it effectively? There are five steps to effectively dealing with bitterness:

Recognize it-

Satan is able to tempt people to become bitter because many people (including many Christians) lack a healthy level of self-awareness (1st Peter 5:8). It is critical we know our own feelings and understand the state of our own heart. Self-awareness allows us to see when feelings of bitterness are creeping in and defiling us. We obtain self-awareness by making a practice of naming our feelings and tracing those feelings back to the incident that is making us feel bad/angry/hurt/bitter. Once we know what is at the root of our bitterness we can do something about it. 

Pray for the person who made you bitter- 

Praying for those who hurt us is critical and not because fervent prayer is guaranteed to change the person who hurt us into a better person. It might and it might not. People must cooperate with God to experience transformation (Romans 12:2, 1st Corinthians 5:12).  The world is full of people who reject and/or disobey God, these folks are incapable of genuine heart-change. That being said, anytime we choose to pray God changes us. Prayer changes us into people who forgive the people who have done us wrong.  This allows us to move on in a way that is healthy for us and honoring to God.  

Trust God with what He’s allowed. 

I almost said we need to forgive God for the things He allows into our lives but that’s REALLY TERRIBLE THEOLOGY. People don’t forgive God because God does not sin (Deuteronomy 32:4, Psalm 145:17, James 1:13, Titus 1:2). God is perfect in all His ways (whether we understand them or not), therefore, God has not done anything that demands our forgiveness (Psalm 19:7, Matthew 5:48). Nonetheless, we need to get to a place where we are okay with whatever God has allowed into our lives. That means we need to trust that God would never allow anything into our lives that won’t somehow be used for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28-39). This is no easy task. It takes faith and willingness to trust God with things we may never completely understand this side of heaven (Hebrews 11:1-39).

Release the person to God- 

The essence of forgiveness is to surrender our right to seek revenge (Romans 12:19). The only way to effectively surrender that right is to give the person who hurt us over to God and trust Him to deal with the situation appropriately. This is never easy and it’s it’s rarely a one and done. Typically, we have to give people over to God repeatedly before our hearts change and we no longer feel bitter. 

And finally: 

We must choose to forgive-

Forgiveness is moving on and letting go of the hurt. It’s choosing to not look back on the offense all the time. To do this, we must grasp the reality that God has more for us than bitterness, unforgiveness and resentment. However, we can only receive the fullness of what God has for us if we choose to forgive (Matthew 6:14-15). A wise and perceptive person once said choosing bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. That strategy has never worked for anyone in the whole history of forever. Choosing to be bitter has no impact on the other person. Nonetheless, bitterness destroys us emotionally and spiritually. In the process, we lose our joy, stop growing and become spiritually ineffective. No one wants that.