Forgiving the Gap — Ami Loper

Navigating the Chasm Between your Ideals and Reality

The Hubs and I were flying home from a gathering this last April. The perspective out my window matched the perspective in my heart – up above the clamoring noise and able to see from a bird’s eye view.

I was in that beautiful headspace of vacations, where the ordinary has faded enough into the background of my mind to allow a broader scope to my thoughts. All the things over the last few months that the Lord had been trying to convey were weaving themselves together in my mind and I could finally see that this was a tapestry, an intentional design woven by the great Weaver Himself. Gone were the loose threads I had imagined all the individual days and lessons to be. They were tied up nicely into a truth that came suddenly and boldly to my realization.

I needed to forgive something I had never considered forgiving before. The words resounded in my mind: Forgive the gap.

I said them aloud and the Hubs – my dear, sweet man, who is, in so many ways, the antithesis of me – passed me a quizzical expression as his engineering mind tried to grapple with my poetic words.

“I need to forgive the gap,” I said again, “the gap between reality and what I had hoped for.”

Like someone thumbing through a card file in my mind, I thought of different relationships, situations, dreams that I had in my life that had fallen so far short of what I had wanted.

There were the “big-gap” relationships – the ones that were characterized by neglect, rejection or betrayal. Those seemed obvious, but there were also the ones that simply disappointed, that weren’t the Hallmark movie version that I was measuring it against.

Sometimes, especially with the “big-gap” relationships, the unmet wishes or needs were easy to spot. The real challenge was to decide to stop comparing that relationship with the template my heart carried around, to stop living in perpetual grief over what could not be, or what could only be if the other person had a complete heart change. The time had come for me to stop waiting for the painful people in my life to have a personality overhaul. The time had come for me to find freedom and peace regardless of whether change ever came to pass.

Although I have felt at times in a perpetual state of grief over the hurt produced in some relationships, I began to realize I had never properly grieved. I hadn’t fully acknowledged the loss or the hurt. I hadn’t stopped trying to fix it. And most significantly, I hadn’t chosen to accept things the way they were.

Please understand that I am not talking about accepting abuse or toxic people. I am talking about relationships that we cannot or should not ever cut off, relationships that are far from perfect, but that we still must maintain. These are our opportunities to lay our lives down for another and show the love of Christ to another.

I am responsible for me. I am responsible for changing and taking ownership for what is my responsibility only. I cannot change another adult person, force them to see the light or “fix” them. That is not my job; that’s God’s job. No matter how close they are to me, no matter how responsible I may feel for them, I can only change myself.

And if I can change myself, often the best thing I can change is my heart toward a person. When I choose to forgive the gap between how someone treats me and how I wish they would treat me or even how they ought to treat me, I am making a change in my heart that gives place for contentment, peace, reconciliation and gratitude to flourish.

As you go into this Thanksgiving weekend (and likely, family situations), be internally aware of the gaps you may be holding onto. Are you especially agitated with those loved ones who routinely point out what they perceive as your short-comings? Did your aunt ask you again why you are still single? Did your father fail to say two words to you? Did you engage in conversations all day and show a genuine interest in everyone, while no one asked you one question about your life? Maybe these are gaps that need forgiving. Yes, they are legitimate frustrations and, yes, you deserve to have your needs met, but you can’t make others behave the way they ought. All you can manage is your own response.

(More on this topic in the weeks to come!)

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:18

For more on “When Our Expectations Remain Unmet,” click HERE!