We urge you, brothers and sisters, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek what is good for one another and for all people- 1st Thessalonians 5:14-15 NASB 

One of the most challenging aspects of being twenty-first century follower of Jesus is the disparity between how Christians are commanded to behave in Scripture and how the world encourages people to behave. This contrast is especially glaring when it comes to dealing with the unlovable among us.

The message we get from the world concerning this subject could not be more straight-forward and clear. Most non-Christians (including most secular counselors) believe and teach that unlovable people should be ejected from one’s life as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a friend, co-worker, parent, child or spouse is needy, rude, selfish, sinful or even just kind of dumb that person should be given the old heave-ho the second they indicate a lack of willingness (or ability) to change. 

I won’t lie. 

My flesh finds the counsel of the world appealing in this situation.  Life is short and unlovable people are, well, not fun to love. So, why waste time and energy on anyone who is less than awesome or reluctant to change?

Well. 

As much as I like this advice on a personal level, I also find it super hard to rationalize from a biblical perspective. Nowhere in the Bible are we given permission to eliminate unlovable people from our lives. Truly evil people, yes, the Bible has no issue with Christians avoiding truly evil, totally unrepentant people. We are also called to avoid those who might corrupt our character (1st Corinthians 15:33). That being said, Jesus made it abundantly clear that we are to love the unlovable (Matthew 5:44-46, Luke 6:27-32) and even pray (nice prayers) for those who mistreat us, even when they do it on purpose. Jesus followed His own admittedly hard advice. He prayed for those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34) and loved the man who would eventually turn Him over to be crucified (Judas). He forgave Peter for denying Him three times and He forgives US for ALL the really stupid stuff we do. None of us are Jesus. However, God has given us the power (through the indwelling Holy Spirit) do what Jesus did (John 14:11-13, Matthew 7:7, Luke 10:19). Here’s how to love an unlovable person without enabling bad behavior that makes the person even more unlovable:

Set and enforce limits- 

Unlovable people are oftentimes boundary busters. They overstep, ask for more than is reasonable and show little (or no) respect for what other people want or how they feel. This can become a valid source of bitterness for the person whose boundaries are being busted. Bitterness is bad. It should be avoided at all costs (Ephesians 4:30-31, Hebrews 12:15). The answer to this problem is not to kick the unlovable person to the curb. All that does is make the unlovable person bitter. The answer is to set limits for the person who will not set limits for themselves. There does not need to be a lot of discussion around these limits. Just decide what you will and will not do and then stick to your guns. This will keep you from becoming bitter. Getting free from the bondage of bitterness frees us up to love from the heart. 

Forgive as often as necessary- 

Forgiving others is something Christians are straight-up commanded to do (Matthew 6:14-15, Matthew 18:15-35, Mark 11:25-26). However, contrary to popular belief forgiveness is not something we do for other people. Most people we need to forgive do not care all that much about being forgiven. Most unlovable people are more than happy to keep on making other people angry and bitter. Forgiveness is something we do for the sake of our own souls. Forgiving others is truly the ultimate in selfcare. When we forgive an unlovable person God frees us from anger, resentment and bitterness (Ephesians 4:31, Hebrews 12:15). That freedom allows us to love (and forgive) others joyfully, whether they deserve it or not. 

Fight for the good- 

Fighting for the good does not mean putting up with endless abuse, sin or disrespect. In fact, fighting for the good is the exact opposite of putting up with all sorts of sinful behavior in the name of being “loving”. It is not loving to allow people to sin; in fact, it’s the exact opposite of loving someone.  We fight for the good when we lovingly confront sin and refuse (in a kind way) to allow people to sin against us or anyone else (Galatians 6:1-5,1stThessalonians 5:14, James 5:19-20). Paul’s experience with Peter in Galatians 2:11-13 is a perfect example of this in action. The apostle Peter was sinning against Paul and the gentile Christians by refusing to eat with them when the Jews were around. Paul called him out on it and (apparently) Peter repented and started treating everyone the same all the time. If Paul had refused to confront Peter on his behavior it would have surely led to more sin. Not good. 

And finally, we must:

Do the things- 

We must behave in a loving way towards unlovable people whether we feel the desire to do so or not. Showing kindness and love is not optional for believers in Jesus. It’s a command (Ephesians 4:32, Luke 6:35, Colossians 3:12, 2nd Timothy 2:24). It’s also the key to loving the unlovable in such a way they experience God’s love and care for all people. When we love the unlovable from the heart we become the hands and feet of Jesus in a sin-sick world.