How Can I Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me? 7 Reasons We Can't Forgive

Are you struggling with unforgiveness and asking, how can I forgive someone who hurt me?

Learn important insights on forgiving someone who hurt you and what keeps us stuck in unforgiveness.

How Can I Forgive? 

Have you struggled and wondered how can I forgive someone?

For years, I struggled to forgive my mom. I knew I was supposed to forgive her, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t seem to let things go.

In Matthew 6:14, Jesus tells us, “If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you.”

This seems straightforward, but if I’m being honest, I’ve failed to follow this scripture too many times to count. 

Forgiveness is complicated. Even when we know we’re called to forgive, it’s easy to get hung up on countless reasons not to: the need for justice, self-protection, and self-righteous judgment tend to lead us away from forgiveness. 

When we’re stuck in a cycle of unforgiveness, we might feel overwhelmed with shame, knowing we’re failing to obey Jesus’s words about forgiveness.

I walked this road too long, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

If you are wondering how can I forgive, here are some helpful insights.

We Are Forgiven

Early one morning, I found myself reading about the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18.

I had read this passage many times before, but God met me in the scriptures in a different way that day.

Jesus tells the story of a servant who owed the king an unimaginable amount of money—an amount so big that it was essentially an unpayable debt.

The servant begged the king to be patient with him and promised to repay everything.

The king, knowing the debt was too large to repay, “was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt” Matthew 18:27 NKJV.

The king was right to demand payment, but instead, he released him from a debt he could never repay. Why? 

The king felt compassion for the man and put his feelings into action. He chose to show mercy by forgiving the unpayable debt.

An unpayable debt. As I stopped and thought about my life, God opened my eyes to see my unpayable debt—things I could never take back, things I could never repair, things I could never do over.

God, knowing everything about me, “was moved with compassion, released (me), and forgave (me) (my) debt.” God felt compassion and showed mercy by forgiving me. 

Sitting in the truth of that reality gave me a completely new vision of my relationship with my mom.

If I had been forgiven my unpayable debt, how could I continue to pass judgment on my mom for her unpayable debt? 

I had been holding so much against her, but the truth was, I wasn’t perfect either. 

How can I forgive someone who hurt me? It starts with the realization that we are forgiven.

7 Reasons We Can’t Forgive

So, what kept me stuck in unforgiveness for so long?

I finally saw how the fruit of my actions and attitudes had kept me in bondage to unforgiveness for years. 

If you’ve ever found yourself struggling with unforgiveness, here are seven attitudes and actions that tend to yield rotten fruit in our life:

1. Pride

Pride works overtime to convince us that we’re not part of the problem in any way. (This in no way applies to situations where we’ve been victimized.)

When both parties possibly hold a portion of the responsibility, being aware of our spiritual posture draws us to abide in the Vine.

Pride can prevent us from extending forgiveness when we refuse to allow God to soften our hearts.

2. Judgment

Judgment invites us to elevate ourselves above others and pretend we’re qualified to decide what’s right or wrong for someone else.

But Matthew 7:2 tells us,

“For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” Jesus is the judge, not us. 

3. Withholding Love

Withholding love quenches God’s Spirit from flowing through our lives to care for others.

Our lives have been crucified with Christ, and Christ lives in us (see Galatians 2:20).

If we withhold love by deciding who is or isn’t worthy to receive God’s love, we’re gatekeeping.

We’re hoarding His love for ourselves. 

4. Bitterness

Bitterness weaponizes the past and entangles people in things that can never be changed.

By habitually bringing up the past, we decide people can’t be free from what they’ve done and refuse to let them change.

Hebrews 12:15 reminds us of the danger of bitterness:

“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God, that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble and through it, many become defiled.” 

5. Blaming

Blaming places all the responsibility for the problems in our lives on someone else.

Refusing to let go of blame keeps us in bondage to unforgiveness.

Blaming prevents us from moving forward with the freedom to trust God with the outcome. 

6. Expectations

Expectations have a mysterious way of being unmet. Placing all of our hope in another person to meet our expectations can be fraught with peril.

We might even be looking for emotional wholeness in the wrong place. Of course, we should do our best to notice our loved one’s needs, but only God can make us whole.

We shouldn’t expect this from another person because, honestly, we can’t make anyone else whole, either.

7. Disappointment

Disappointment can manipulate us to feel hopeless.

Maybe problems don’t seem to get better, the person doesn’t change, or you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, but don’t let disappointment manipulate you on a path of continued unforgiveness.

Often, God is closest to us when we experience this type of emotional loss.

God wants to heal your hurting heart.

How Can I Forgive? Know That You Are Not Alone

If your story involves grief, regret, or trauma, and you struggle with unforgiveness, I hope you know you’re not alone. 

God wants us to let go, forgive, and be free. 

He knows the damage unforgiveness can cause in our hearts, minds, and bodies.

God doesn’t want us weighed down with rotting fruit. He wants good for us!

Realizing this helped me let go of my pride, bitterness, and judgment.

It helped me stop gatekeeping God’s love and know that no matter what I faced, He would work it out.

He showed me I could be free. You can too, my friend.

How to Forgive Others

Here is a self-reflection to help you forgive others.

If you are trying to understand how can I forgive, ask yourself: 

-Do I know how much I’ve been forgiven?

-Do I deeply understand that I’ve been forgiven an unpayable debt?

-Am I looking for wholeness in the wrong place?

-Do I fully trust God regardless of the outcome?

A Prayer to Forgive Others

When you struggle to understand how can I forgive someone, prayer is powerful.

Let’s pray.

Lord, you know every detail in our lives—every moment, every hurt, every loss we’ve ever experienced. We want healing.

Help us to stop holding life against people who’ve hurt us.

Help us to release bitterness and disappointments and to trust you with the outcome.

Stir compassion in our hearts and strengthen us to act with mercy.

Help us to forgive, knowing that love bears no record of wrong.

In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

“If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them.”

John 13:17 NRSVUE

Author

Nicole Williams

Nicole is an author, speaker, and forgiveness coach committed to helping people transform their lives. She is the author of the Forgiveness School Course, Rise Up, and co-author of Life Changing Stories. Connect with Nicole at msnicolewilliams.com