How to Stay Friends When Viewpoints Differ - Lisa E Betz

It seems our society is becoming more and more divisive. You and I don’t have to follow that trend. Instead, we can be intentional about maintaining connections and overcoming differences of values or viewpoint that threaten to ruin our relationships. This post offers several strategies to help you remain friends when viewpoints differ and you no longer see eye to eye.

I know how difficult it can be to converse with someone who has a radically different outlook on life. (And an impending election makes that tension even worse.) But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean we should quit trying.

Quite the opposite!

Relationships with friends and loved ones are too important to jettison because you disagree on some stuff. These tips will help you maintain friendly relationships with people who matter, even when your viewpoints differ on one or more subjects.

Remember what’s important

Healthy relationships are vital to every person’s wellbeing. Remember that your priority is to build up the relationship, to stay connected, to show love, empathy, and respect to each other. Your goal should reflect Paul’s advice in Romans 12:18.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (NIV)

I see several important concepts from this verse.

If it is possible—meaning, sometimes it’s not. Some relationships are toxic. There is no living in peace within a toxic relationship.
as far as it depends on you—meaning everything doesn’t depend on you. Paul is calling us to do what we can while acknowledging that God is in control of the results.
Live at peace with everyone—not just those you agree with. Not just the people you used to like until they started supporting that candidate you despise or began practicing that lifestyle you disagree with.

Living at peace with people doesn’t mean you agree with or condone all they do, say, or believe. It means you try not to pick fights over those things. It means you choose to treat others with worth and dignity whether their worldview agrees with yours or clashes with it.

Put your friendship above being “right”

By this point, you are probably both firmly entrenched regarding your views, so neither of you is likely to sway the other. Accept that fact and focus on nurturing what is good instead of fixating on the friction between you.

Therefore your goal for your relationship is NOT to:

Prove your view is correct
Prove your friend’s view is wrong
Convince them to change
“Fix” them

Rather, your focus should be on these things:

What you enjoy and appreciate about the person
What you have in common
Showing they matter to you through acts of love and empathy
Affirming them by trying to understand them and their viewpoints better

“A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.” — Proverbs 27:9

Mindsets that help you stay friends when viewpoints differ

Here are some truths to keep in mind:

Differences are not a threat. Unity doesn’t mean everyone must think the same way or hold identical values. Friends can hold a variety of opinions on many different matters and still work together for the good of each other. It’s OK to agree to disagree. The fact your friend disagrees with you doesn’t attack your self-worth or diminish the validity of your opinions.
Disrespecting other’s views means you are disrespecting them. When you view others’ opinions as invalid, immoral, or inferior, you put yourself above them. Instead, show respect by assuming other people have valid reasons for their views, even if you don’t understand them or agree with them.
People sometimes change their views. A particular experience or unexpected trauma may have led your friend to alter her values in an area, resulting in a different outlook where before you agreed. Don’t take it personally.
Different doesn’t mean wrong. The world is not as black and white as we sometimes think. There is not just ONE right or wrong outlook. Life in this broken world is complex and nuanced. Every person has an entire lifetime of experiences we can’t see, that have led them to choices for reasons we don’t understand.
And anyway, it’s not about who is right and who is wrong. Even if you are certain your view is correct, remember your goal is to be a good friend and live in peace, not to set others straight and prove you occupy the moral high ground. In relationships, you don’t win by being right, you win by strengthening the bond and trust between you. (And sometimes that means keeping your mouth shut.)

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” — 1 Peter 4:8

What to do when difficult topics arise

Sometimes the best way to agree to disagree is to avoid the topics where your viewpoints differ. But that’s not always possible.

How should you react when touchy subjects come up? Start by remembering your goal is to build connection, empathy, and love. (Not to prove who is right or get them to change their mind.) Therefore, aim to enter into a conversation rather than an argument.

Here are some tips to keep conversations from turning into arguments.

Watch your tone and body language. Since more than half of communication happens non-verbally, this matters! Remember the mindsets from above and adopt a loving, humble, non-judgmental attitude. That will help the conversation steer clear of snide remarks and hurt feelings.
Start by acknowledging the differences. Verbally agreeing to disagree from the outset will acknowledge the elephant in the room and make space for both sides to converse honestly.
Avoid raw-emotion topics. There may be topics that are too difficult to discuss objectively because your emotions are too raw, or a trauma is too recent. Be honest about it. Simply say “I’m too upset about __ to discuss ___ right now, and I don’t want to hurt you. Can we agree not to discuss it today?”
Ask questions that help you see things from their perspective. Remember, your goal is to strengthen connections. Instead of defending your view, ask questions that help you understand the other person’s perspective. For example: “Tell me why this is important to you.” or ”What made you change your mind about ____?”

Staying friends when viewpoints differ is worth the effort

Good friends are hard to find. Cherish those relationships. Don’t let them wither and die, and don’t throw them out with the bathwater.

Instead, so far as it depends on you, strive to nurture peace, trust, and kindness in all your interactions with others. In the long run, you’ll be glad you did.