If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

-I John 1:9, NIV

This condition is rarely met with a cheater. They are unwilling to come clean with all their sins. Certainly, they are reluctant to seek forgiveness from their mark spouse.

Yet we do not experience forgiveness from God unless we confess our sins coming to Him for forgiveness.

This is one of many reasons why the blanketed exhortation to forgive is misguided. Godly forgiveness does not just happen. Certain conditions need to be met for it to happen.

Cheater pride is a major block to their forgiveness.

Many of us, faithful spouses, would be willing to forgive. However, Cheaters are unwilling to “bend the knee” seeking this forgiveness and confessing their sins against us. That would be humiliating in their eyes as they see themselves as more lofty than us.

That just means that they are living unforgiven.

You cannot unwrap the gift of forgiveness unless you see the gift–i.e. see a need for it. That only happens by taking accountability for one’s sins. Confessing one’s sins is one manifestation of such accountability.

But I wouldn’t hold your breath for your Cheater to do this. Character–or lack thereof–does not change over night.

Give them over to God to handle and wait on their contrition, if it ever happens. He can handle the scales of forgiveness. And go on to live your best life sans Cheater and their abuse.