I’m Dependable. Why Could That Be Wrong?
Dependability is a great quality. But for me, it can be wrong because of my motive. Am I motivated by self-protection or by trust in God?
That question can apply to any quality but if you are desiring to live more powerfully with the goal of giving God glory, this post is for you!
But why is it so hard to get rid of the habits that block living for God’s glory and not ourselves?
Moments after I was molested as an eight-year-old, I thought, “Kathy, you should have prevented that. You are a dirty little girl.” Of course, the message was a lie, but I believed it was true. I never told anyone what happened. My heart sat for years in the agony of shame, vowing to protect myself from experiencing another incident of emotional pain. I learned to be hyper-vigilant, constantly evaluating the behavior and feelings of others to determine whether they had destructive motives toward me. My goal was to make sure no one touched me inappropriately again.
When I was in third grade, about the same time as the molestation, I said something mean to a classmate and several students heard me. They called to our teacher, Mrs. Leighton, and she came over. Mrs. Leighton was my Princess in Shining Armor. I was her Teacher’s Pet. I could do no wrong, and she favored me. I felt special and important.
When the students reported what I’d said, Mrs. Leighton asked me with a worried look on her face, “Kathy, did you say that?” To keep my favored status, I replied, “No, Mrs. Leighton.” Mrs. Leighton walked away with a satisfied look on her face.
I knew I’d lied and hated the feeling of being a liar—and everyone knowing I was. If I’d known about being able to ask Jesus to forgive me, I could have thrown off the heavy mantle of condemntion. I didn’t.
Without knowing what I was doing, I formed a self-protective strategy of dependability.
The way to make sure no one knows I’m a liar and shameful is to always be dependable.
When I was ten years old, I sat with a group of my relatives and loved hearing the bantering back and forth. My Aunt Nita suddenly commented, “Oh, look at Kathy. Isn’t she sitting so nicely, just like a poised young lady?” Oh my! A flood of approval swept over me. I certainly wasn’t dirty and a liar in that moment. The praise felt so good to my thirsty, guilty soul. I added another layer of dependability dressed up as self-control: be poised. Hopefully someone will compliment me and I’ll feel good about myself.
My layers of compulsive dependability were formed by many other experiences. If I didn’t keep a promise, I felt exposed. I was terrified of being identified as dirty, a liar, imperfect, or discourteous. The solution in my young brain produced people-pleasing, worry, and other habits that excluded God’s glory.
You may not have had similar experiences or be motivated by the same strategies, but many of us find godly dependability to be a challenge in some area of life. Or any other “good” quality that is motivated by protecting our image instead of giving God glory.
Here are some ideas
- Choosing God’s glory over a need to be seen as dependable means recognizing to what degree it has a hold on you.
- Notice how you feel or what it seems like people are thinking about you when you aren’t dependable. Evaluate whether your thought is true or a lie.
- Surrender to being willing to be seen in a negative way. God may actually be more glorified and He can use everything.
- Live in the truth that God knows your heart and sees you through the lens of Jesus’s righteousness as His saved child.
in what ways do you relate to the topic of dependability? Maybe you don’t feel a wrong desire to be seen as dependable. I hope so!
Or share with us how you keep the desire for being seen as dependable in a healthy, godly way?
(If you’d like to read more about this topic, check out my book Pure-Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory.)
