It's Not a Race — Grateful, yet Grieving
Grieving in our Western culture is not easy. Speed and ease are keys to managing life. We are often encouraged to “hurry up and get over it.” Grief expert David Kessler asks this question: “How do we grieve in a world that wants us to hurry up and grieve?”
A friend who lives in Croatia shared with me the evidence that a grieving person in Croatian culture is to wear black for an extended period of time, up to 40 days. This expression of mourning allows people to see the evidence of a person’s loss. It appears there is an honoring of grief, not a hurrying.
Because our grief is unique and individual, we will all grieve accordingly.
During my first year of losing my husband, I was asked, “Are you better yet?” I don’t recall what I said, but I thought, “I don’t have the flu; my husband died.”
In our culture, we want to see progress and completion. Grief is unlike anything we can measure by a progressive set of steps. There’s not a course completion with a certificate that says you finished. Grief is a normal response to the loss of a relationship where there was attachment. Grief is rooted in love and continues even after the death of our loved one.
The process of getting through what we won’t get over is arduous, to say the least. Time passes, and grief will look different from how it did in the first weeks and months. Where we are is not where we will stay. As we process, express, and find coping skills to manage our grief, we can take our time as we move through, not get over.
Thankfully, grief is not a race but a journey where we find others along the way to encourage us to keep going.
