MENTAL HEALTH MONDAYS: Six Types of Intimacy That Must Be In Every “Healthy” Relationship - The DV Walking Wounded:

    When we think of intimacy, many people immediately think of romantic or sexual closeness, but intimacy is much broader than that. It encompasses various types of connections that people can share, in order to have a healthy intimate partner relationship. This may seem foreign, especially if you’ve come out of a toxic, narcissistic one. Let’s break it down, so we know what that looks like:

    1. Emotional Intimacy: This is when people feel safe sharing their innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences with each other. It involves a deep sense of trust and understanding. Think of those late-night conversations with a close friend where you feel heard and supported.
    2. Physical Intimacy: While this includes sexual activity, it also covers non-sexual touch, like holding hands, hugging, or cuddling. Physical intimacy is about feeling physically close and connected to someone else.
    3. Intellectual Intimacy: This type is all about connecting on a cerebral level. It’s when you share ideas, have stimulating discussions, or engage in debates. It’s the joy of finding someone who appreciates your way of thinking and challenges you intellectually.
    4. Experiential Intimacy: This grows out of shared experiences and activities. Whether it’s traveling together, working on a project, or even just watching a movie, these shared moments create a bond. It’s like building a collection of memories that you both cherish.
    5. Spiritual Intimacy: This involves sharing beliefs, values, and a sense of purpose. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to share the same religious beliefs; it’s more about feeling connected on a deeper, existential level. This can involve having meaningful conversations about life, purpose, and the universe.
    6. Social Intimacy: This type is about having a network of relationships and connections with others. It’s the feeling of belonging and being part of a community or group. For instance, having mutual friends or being part of a supportive group can enhance this form of intimacy.

    Each type of intimacy adds a unique layer to relationships, and healthy relationships often have a mix of these different forms. Balancing them helps create a more fulfilling and resilient bond. Experiencing all of the types of intimacy within an intimate partner relationship is essential for several reasons:

    1. Holistic Connection: Engaging in all forms of intimacy helps partners connect on multiple levels. Emotional, physical, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual intimacies each add depth to the relationship, ensuring that partners feel deeply connected in various ways, not just in one aspect.
    2. Resilience and Stability: Relationships that are rich in all forms of intimacy are more resilient. When challenges arise in one area, other forms of intimacy can provide stability and support. For example, if a couple faces a physical separation, strong emotional and intellectual connections can help maintain the bond.
    3. Personal Growth and Fulfillment: Each type of intimacy contributes to personal growth. Emotional intimacy fosters empathy and understanding, intellectual intimacy encourages learning and curiosity, and so on. Experiencing these with a partner can lead to greater personal fulfillment and mutual growth.
    4. Enhanced Communication: Diverse forms of intimacy foster better communication. Emotional intimacy allows for open sharing of feelings, intellectual intimacy promotes idea exchange, and spiritual intimacy encourages discussions about values and beliefs. This variety in communication strengthens the relationship.
    5. Satisfaction and Happiness: A relationship that includes all types of intimacy is generally more satisfying. Partners feel more fulfilled and happier because their needs are being met in multiple dimensions. This comprehensive satisfaction contributes to a deeper sense of love and contentment.
    6. Trust and Security: Trust is built through consistent, multifaceted intimacy. Emotional and physical intimacies build trust through vulnerability and closeness. Intellectual and spiritual intimacies strengthen trust through shared beliefs and values. Experiential intimacy builds trust through shared experiences.
    7. Conflict Resolution: Intimate relationships naturally encounter conflicts. Having a strong foundation in various forms of intimacy aids in resolving these conflicts more effectively. Emotional and intellectual intimacies, for example, help partners understand each other’s perspectives and find common ground.
    8. Balanced Relationship Dynamics: Focusing on multiple types of intimacy prevents the relationship from becoming unbalanced or overly dependent on one aspect. For instance, a relationship based solely on physical intimacy may struggle when faced with emotional or intellectual challenges.

    Experiencing all of the types of intimacy in an intimate partner relationship creates a comprehensive, balanced, and resilient bond. This holistic connection not only enhances the relationship’s stability but also contributes to the personal growth and happiness of both partners. This dynamic CAN and WILL change if you’ve been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist. Achieving a fulfilling relationship or experiencing the five levels of intimacy with a narcissist is extremely challenging for several reasons:

    1. Lack of Empathy: Narcissists typically lack empathy, which is crucial for emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy requires both partners to understand, validate, and care about each other’s feelings. A narcissist’s self-centered nature makes it difficult for them to genuinely connect on an emotional level.
    2. Need for Control and Manipulation: Narcissists often seek to control and manipulate their partners to maintain their own sense of superiority and control. This behavior can severely undermine trust, which is essential for all types of intimacy. Manipulative tactics can create a power imbalance that stifles open and honest communication.
    3. Superficial Relationships: Narcissists tend to engage in relationships for self-serving purposes, often focusing on appearances and superficial attributes. This superficiality prevents the development of deeper intellectual, spiritual, and experiential intimacies that require genuine interest and mutual respect.
    4. Inability to Handle Criticism: Narcissists have a fragile self-esteem and cannot handle criticism or perceived slights. This hypersensitivity makes it difficult to have honest and open conversations necessary for intellectual and emotional intimacy. Partners may feel they need to walk on eggshells, hindering honest communication and conflict resolution.
    5. Lack of Mutuality and Reciprocity: Intimate relationships thrive on mutual give-and-take. Narcissists, however, often prioritize their own needs and desires over their partner’s. This lack of reciprocity makes it difficult to achieve a balanced and fulfilling relationship across all five levels of intimacy.
    6. Avoidance of Vulnerability: Vulnerability is a cornerstone of intimacy, particularly emotional and physical. Narcissists often avoid vulnerability because it threatens their façade of perfection and control. Without vulnerability, it’s impossible to build the trust and closeness necessary for deep intimacy.
    7. Undermining Partner’s Self-Worth: Narcissists often engage in behaviors that undermine their partner’s self-worth and confidence, such as gaslighting, belittling, or demeaning. This erodes the foundation of a healthy relationship and makes it difficult for the partner to feel safe and valued, which is essential for all forms of intimacy.
    8. Focus on Self-Image: Narcissists are preoccupied with maintaining their self-image and often seek validation from external sources. This preoccupation can prevent them from engaging in genuine, meaningful interactions that foster emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections.

    To summarize, the characteristics and behaviors of a narcissist create significant barriers to achieving the five levels of intimacy. A fulfilling relationship requires empathy, mutual respect, vulnerability, and balanced reciprocity, all of which are compromised in a relationship with a narcissist. Without these essential components, it is nearly impossible to build the deep, multifaceted connections that constitute a fulfilling and intimate partnership.


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