MENTAL HEALTH MONDAYS: Spare Your Kids the Heartache: Getting Along After Divorce - The DV Walking Wounded:

NOTE: This is just a general overview, during a regular divorce. After divorcing an abuser, fully expect the children to be used against you as tools. There is still good info in here, but Friday’s post will have a link to the Talking Parents, co-parenting app, which is oh-so-helpful in parenting with a former abuser, especially if there is a protective order in place.

Divorce not only exacts a toll on the divorcing couple, but it also affects the rest of the family. This is especially evident if you and your spouse have young children. Even though it’s very difficult to hide the negative feelings that surface during a divorce, it’s extremely important that you work at managing those feelings constructively if you don’t want them to affect the kids.

Avoid the mistake of believing that your adult problems are too complicated for your children to understand. Although young children may not understand words like “irreconcilable differences,” they’re very intuitive and impressionable. Even babies can tell when their parents are at war; the tension in the air has a way of being transferred from one body to the other.

No parent wants their children to suffer through a divorce in the same way they’re suffering. If you’re going through a rough divorce, implementing the following strategies can help your children stay as happy as possible during the heart-wrenching process:

• Avoid saying negative things about each other. The last thing you want is for your children to develop negative feelings towards one of their parents. Instead of piling on the criticisms in front of the kids, you can mention that:
• Avoid arguing in front of the children. To leave the least impact, avoid arguing in front of the kids. You can have differences, but keep them between you. When the children are within earshot, keep in mind the effect your words can have on them. Take a deep breath, if necessary, to give you time to plan wisely what you’re going to say.
  • Both of you love all your children unconditionally.
  • Each of you will always play a part in their lives.
  • Your children make you happy.
• Share family time. Although you and your spouse are going through a divorce, you can spare your kids the heartache by continuing to spend time together as a unit. While you don’t have to hold hands or drive in the same car, putting in the effort to get along on special occasions can help the children continue to have a sense of family.
  • Attend meetings together to learn about your child’s progress in school, if possible
  • Be present together at your children’s birthday parties.
• Share the child rearing responsibilities. When your children notice that both of you are working together to raise them, they’ll feel that sense of togetherness. Although you’re going through a divorce, your kids will understand that both parents play a part in raising them and both parents should be respected.

Divorcing parents should always put the interests of their children at the forefront of their minds. The emotional turmoil you’re experiencing is difficult, but you can find strength in being a parent.

Once you recognize and acknowledge your most significant role as a parent, you’ll find it easier to go through the process of divorce without allowing it to have undue negative effects on your children. Maintain focus on those impressionable young ones and all of you may come out of this stronger people.