My Journey with God: Learning to Find My Way Back

I have always believed that God existed. I never completely questioned His existence, nor did I ever lose my faith in Him. Yet, for the longest time, I lived as though I barely knew Him.

I knew I should pray. I knew I should read His Word. I knew I should build a relationship with Him. But somehow, I kept putting it off. And the longer I stayed away, the harder it became to find my way back.

Looking back, I realize that my journey with God was never really about finding Him. It was about learning how to let Him into my life.

The Seeds of My Curiosity

My curiosity about God began with my father.

He was someone I shared a very special bond with. Growing up, I often found it difficult to get along with the rest of my family. I was sensitive and easily hurt by words, and there were times when home did not feel like the safest or happiest place for me. My father, however, was different. He was my comfort, my companion and the person I always looked for whenever I needed somewhere to feel safe.

He played with me, took me out just to spend time together, and made even the simplest moments feel special. Even as I grew older, he never stopped treating me like his little girl. He would hold my hand in public, carry me on his shoulders or hips, tickle me and play with me as though I were still a child. I was completely open with him.

I used to look for him first thing in the morning and before going to bed. There were even times when I would hide his car keys so he could not leave for work, simply because I wanted to spend more time with him. Sometimes, all I needed was to sit in the car and keep him company. His presence made everything feel brighter. When he was not home, the house never quite felt like home.

Beyond the memories we shared, my father was also the person who first made me curious about God.

He would ask me questions about heaven, hell, Judgment Day and other things concerning Christianity. Interestingly, he knew quite a lot about the Bible and religion. Whenever he asked me these questions, I often found myself unable to answer them. That made me curious. I wanted to know more, to understand what I believed in and, perhaps, to find answers to the questions he had raised.

However, my father's influence on my faith was not entirely straightforward.

While he encouraged me to think about God, he also had reservations about certain religious practices. For instance, he would question the way people worshipped at the altar, saying that one should approach God in silence, peace and with the highest respect. He would also question the intentions behind certain worship songs, suggesting that some people might be creating them for money rather than purely out of devotion.

Hearing these things made me question more than I initially intended. Was everything I had been taught really from God? How much of what we practised was influenced by people? Was the Bible truly the Word of God, or was it something written and shaped by man?

My father's questions planted curiosity in me, but his reservations also planted doubts.

Nevertheless, one thing remained with me: the foundation he had given me when it came to Christ. Even when I questioned certain things, even when I struggled to understand the Bible, I never completely abandoned my devotion. Perhaps I did not always know what to believe or how to find the answers, but the way my father had brought me up kept something alive within me.

Believing in God, But Keeping Him at a Distance

Despite believing in God, I was never particularly religious.

I did not pray consistently, and I rarely opened my Bible. I often placed the people I loved and the things happening around me before my relationship with God. I knew He was there, but I did not make much effort to get to know Him.

There was also something else holding me back: guilt.

I felt like a hypocrite. I knew what I was supposed to do. I had been taught about Christianity, understood its teachings and knew that my actions had consequences. Yet, I continued to fall short. I would go through long periods without praying or reading the Bible, only to turn to God whenever life became difficult.

I questioned myself constantly. After everything I had done, who was I to approach the Almighty only when I needed something? What would His opinion of me be? Was I even worthy of having my prayers heard?

I did not think very highly of myself. I felt that I had spent so much of my life sinning that I had little value in His eyes.

So, instead of drawing closer to Him, I sometimes found myself keeping my distance.

One of the things that eventually encouraged me to look deeper into my faith was an Instagram reel about the Dead Sea Scrolls. I became curious and started researching them. I learned that these ancient manuscripts provided important historical evidence about the transmission and preservation of biblical texts.

It was not that this discovery suddenly answered every question I had. But it gave me something to think about and reassured me that there was more to the history of the Bible than I had previously understood.

For the first time in a while, I found myself genuinely interested in learning again.

What My Father Left Behind

When my father passed away, a part of my world went with him.

I do not think I can fully explain what his presence meant to me. He was not simply my father; he was the person who made me feel that everything would be okay. Losing him changed the way I experienced home, family and life itself.

One thing I particularly remember about him was the way he prayed.

Whenever he prayed, he would remember the people around him. He would pray for our relatives, friends and the people he cared about before praying for himself. He never seemed to ask God for extravagant things or luxuries. He would often end his prayers with the words, "If it is Your will."

At the time, I probably did not appreciate the depth of what he was teaching me. I was simply watching my father pray. But as I grew older, I began to understand that there was something meaningful about the way he approached God: with humility, consideration for others and an acceptance that not everything would happen according to his wishes.

After he passed away, I also came across some printed notes he had kept about the Second Coming of Christ. Finding those notes reminded me of the questions he used to ask and how much he had explored these subjects himself.

I wish I had asked him more questions. I wish I had taken more time to understand what he knew and what he believed. There are so many things I would love to discuss with him today.

But perhaps the greatest thing he left me was not a collection of answers. It was the curiosity to keep seeking God and the foundation that kept me from completely walking away from my faith.

The Struggle to Remain Consistent

As I became more interested in Christianity, I started making an effort to build a relationship with God.

I began reading the Bible, initially choosing an easier translation so I could understand the passages better. I also compared different Bible versions whenever I came across something I wanted to understand more clearly.

I bought two notebooks. One was for writing down my prayers, and the other was for recording my Bible notes, questions and things I had learnt. I even printed diagrams and references to help me understand certain biblical subjects, such as the Ephod and the lineage of Jesus.

There were days when my devotion sessions lasted four hours. I would read, research, write notes and look up things I did not understand. I genuinely enjoyed it.

But, as with many things in life, my consistency did not last.

Eventually, I became lazy. What started as a daily routine slowly became something I did only when I felt like it. I would even go two or three months without properly opening my Bible.

I still prayed, but the prayers became shorter. I would tell myself that I would get back to my devotion the next day, only to repeat the same cycle.

Whenever I realized how long I had been away, the guilt returned. I felt disappointed in myself, but I continued trying to find my way back.

Then came work, responsibilities and the usual demands of everyday life.

After completing my internship, I started working. My days became busier, and the time I once had for devotion became increasingly limited. I went through periods of losing jobs, financial uncertainty and not knowing what my next step would be.

At first, whenever I found myself unemployed, I thought it might be an opportunity to spend more time with God. But as the financial pressure grew, my attention naturally shifted towards finding another job.

Eventually, I accepted a job in Singapore. Although the salary was better, I had to travel between Malaysia and Singapore every day. The commute was exhausting, and by the time I reached home, I barely had the energy to do anything else.

My work involved telemarketing, and the job was not easy. My performance depended heavily on sales targets, and I struggled to meet them consistently. There were days when I felt completely overwhelmed.

On Sundays, I would sometimes go to church and find myself crying during prayer. I had responsibilities at home and people depending on me, so the pressure was not just about myself. I wanted to do better, earn more and provide for the people I loved.

I prayed, but I was also tired. I wanted things to change, but I did not know how they would.

The Turning Point I Never Expected

One day, my aunt and some relatives invited me to attend a church service for my uncle's birthday.

It was an independent church, and the person delivering the sermon was a brother rather than a pastor. After the service, there was an invitation for people to come forward for prayer.

I was initially hesitant.

I had never been particularly comfortable with the idea of someone laying hands on me and praying for healing. A part of me questioned the practice. I wondered whether it was genuine or whether it was simply something people did to create an emotional experience.

My aunt encouraged me to go forward, so eventually, I did.

I remember standing there quietly, not really knowing what to expect. I did not make any elaborate request. I simply prayed silently, hoping that God would somehow hear what was in my heart.

The brother then spoke to me. He said:

"My child, you are troubled, you are confused and you don't know your direction. But don't worry, you will get good news very soon and everything will fall back into its place again."

I stood there listening.

I cannot say that I understood everything at that moment, but his words stayed with me. I had been carrying so much uncertainty, and hearing someone describe the way I felt was something I did not expect.

Not long after that, I lost my telemarketing job because I was unable to meet the required sales performance.

I was devastated.

I had already been struggling, and now I had to face the uncertainty of finding another job. I remember going to the washroom and praying, asking God to take away the burden I had been carrying. I prayed again when I got home, hoping that somehow things would work out.

But nothing changed immediately.

I was given one week's notice, and I began applying for jobs in both Singapore and Malaysia.

Most of the opportunities I found in Malaysia were still related to telemarketing, and many offered salaries below what I had hoped for. I felt stuck. I did not know whether I should continue looking in Singapore or return to working in Malaysia.

Eventually, I spoke to my sister about it. She pointed out something I had not really considered: if I found a job close to home, I would save so much time and money. I would no longer have to spend hours commuting every day.

That made me think.

There was a vacancy not too far from my house, approximately five minutes away. The only problem was that the interview date had already passed.

Still, I decided to send the employer a message.

To my surprise, I was offered an interview just two hours later. I went for it, and I was offered the job that very day. I started the following week.

Everything happened so unexpectedly.

The workplace was friendly, the work was manageable, and I found myself enjoying a routine that was so different from what I had experienced before. I would usually have around three to six appointments a day, with the opportunity to earn commissions. Most importantly, I could finally return home at a reasonable hour, usually around 6.15 to 6.30 p.m., instead of arriving close to 11 p.m.

For the first time in a long while, I had time for myself again.

And that brings me to something I find rather amusing.

One day, after getting home from work, I was wondering what I should do with my free time. Should I watch a movie? Should I go swimming? I was thinking about all the things I could finally do now that I had more time.

Then, I noticed my Bible.

I looked at it and thought, "Hey, I would love to read this."

That was it.

There was no dramatic moment, no sudden revelation and no extraordinary feeling. I simply wanted to read my Bible again.

But it was in that ordinary moment that I began to realize how much had changed.

I had prayed for my burdens to be lifted, and although I initially thought I needed to remain in Singapore and continue earning a higher salary, God had led me towards something I had not considered. A job closer to home, a more manageable routine, more time to rest and, most importantly, more time to reconnect with Him.

I began to see the situation differently.

Perhaps the answer to my prayer was not what I had originally imagined. Perhaps I had been so focused on what I wanted that I had not considered what I actually needed.

It felt as though the burdens I had carried for so long had finally become lighter. I had more clarity, more peace and more room in my life to focus on things I had neglected.

And in a way, the experience reminded me of the comfort my father used to give me. That feeling of knowing I did not have to carry everything alone.

What I Have Come to Understand

I used to think that having faith meant receiving the things I prayed for.

But I am slowly learning that it is not always about getting what we want.

Sometimes, we pray so hard for something because we genuinely believe it is the best thing for us. We make plans, imagine how our lives will turn out and become disappointed when things do not happen the way we expected.

I thought I would continue working in Singapore for at least another two years. I had already imagined that being my next chapter. But look at me now, sitting comfortably at my job, with more time to myself and the opportunity to share my testimony.

If someone had told me earlier that things would turn out this way, I probably would not have believed them.

I am not saying that life is suddenly perfect. I still have questions, uncertainties and things I am praying about. I do not know what the future holds, and I cannot promise that I will never face another difficult season.

But I have come to understand that faith is not about having every answer. It is about continuing to trust God even when the answers are not what we expected.

We may have ten thousand reasons to doubt, question or turn away from Him. We may have made mistakes, fallen short or gone through periods when we barely spoke to Him. We may even feel that we are not worthy of His attention.

But I have learnt that we should not let those feelings stop us from returning to Him.

It does not take anything away from us to believe, to pray, to seek His Word and to do our part. We do not have to wait until we become perfect before we approach God. If anything, our imperfections are all the more reason to keep seeking Him.

And even when the thing we desperately want does not make its way to us, it does not necessarily mean that our prayers have gone unheard. Sometimes, what we receive is something we never expected, but something we needed far more.

I once struggled to understand how I could approach God after being absent for so long. I felt guilty, unworthy and unsure of how He would receive me. Today, I am learning that a relationship with Him is not about how perfectly I have walked with Him, but about continuing to walk with Him, even when I stumble.

I think about my father often. His questions made me curious about God, his reservations taught me to think more deeply about what I believed, and the way he approached Christ gave me a foundation that I carried even through my doubts.

I wish I could tell him about everything I have learnt since then. I wish I could sit with him and share the things I now understand, just as I used to sit beside him in the car and keep him company.

But perhaps, in my own way, I am continuing something he started in me: the desire to keep seeking, keep questioning and keep learning about God.

This is my journey. I am still learning, still growing and still finding my way. I do not have everything figured out, but I know that I do not want to stop walking with Him.

And if there is one thing I hope someone takes away from my story, it is this:

Do not give up on God just because life is not going according to your plans. Keep praying, keep seeking Him and do your part. You may not receive exactly what you ask for, but you may find yourself receiving something you never knew you needed.

Sometimes, the blessing is not in getting the life we imagined, but in discovering the life God has been leading us towards all along.

This is my journey with God, and I know it is only the beginning.

Blog excerpt:

I always believed God existed. But believing in Him and building a relationship with Him were two very different things. This is the story of my doubts, my struggles, the lessons my father left behind, and how I slowly learnt to let God into my life.