SATURDAY SURVIVOR CHRONICLES: How Do I Get OVER Them??? - The DV Walking Wounded:

Getting out of abusive relationships are tough — but not impossible. Now that you’re out, NOW WHAT? It’s the staying safe and keeping yourself from going back to familiarity that is even tougher still. We are going to explore what you can do to help yourself NOT to go back to them or even contact them.

I get asked constantly, “Laura, how to do I not contact them? How do I move on? How do I distract myself?” Well, my dear, it’s a tough, but necessary, step-by-step process. It’s messy and you will have to rely on your network of trusted individuals: your children, your best friend(s), your co-workers, your parents, your family (the non-toxic ones), your advocate, your counselor/therapist, etc. However, if you follow these steps, you WILL be successful — although it won’t always feel like it.

1. Stay Safe: Safety is always the priority and trickles into everything else that I’m going to list here. That is ALWAYS priority!
2. Go NO CONTACT: If you got out and away from the abuse, CONGRATULATIONS! That, in itself, is a monumental accomplishment! I had no choice, as my final incident required the police removing my Abuser and taking him to jail, as well as a court hearing where I told the judge that he was a danger to myself and my children. An emergency protective (EPO) order was issued. We were both to not to contact each other and I believe that helped me realize what I needed to do ON MY OWN. I was completely NO contact, which turns out is what you need when you are leaving a relationship, abusive or not. In the past, I would cave and contact him, either of my own choosing or him reaching out. I changed ALL of my password on literally EVERYTHING. I blocked him on every social media app/tool I was on. I had my advocate reach out to his attorney and inform him that a USPS “change of address” had to happen STAT. I had to cut loose “together” friends that we had. I went “no contact” with his entire family, although I prayed for them constantly. I went completely GHOST. I also had to resist the urge to contact him constantly or “checking up” on him. What reminded me was the photo the police took of my face, from the night of the incident. I looked like a raccoon, the bruising around my eyes was already bad. I kept it tucked away and would look at it, when I felt like forgiving him and reaching out. After a month, that urge to recontact when down significantly. By three months, it was nearly gone! It also helped me that DCS told me that if I went back with him this final time, I would A) most likely be killed by him, and B) they would pursue taking my only minor child into their custody and it would take me a few years to possibly get him back. God was definitely here with me and gave me strength. It was a mental/physical “detox” of sorts, like from a drug. Toxic love is very much dependent on co-dependency and you and have endorphin withdrawls, as you would from a substance.
3. Let Yourself Grieve: Allow yourself the ability to grieve, but within reason. After all, this is the “death” of a relationship. You were “all in” and in love, but all they met you with was abuse and lies and wrath. To be completely honest, when I wasn’t working or grocery shopping, I slept A LOT and was in bed watching movies with my Chiweenie doggies. Just do not isolate completely! My kids were amazing and took care of me quite a bit. My youngest was 10, so we did a lot of laying in my bed, watching movies and playing games. They had to remind me to get up and shower and change clothes, thankfully. I cried SO, SO much. I had to grieve what happened, because the person I thought I was married to “died” in the fact that he NEVER WAS that person he wooed me as. That realization was mind-blowing!!!
4. Let Your Emotions Out: As stated in #3, I cried A LOT in the first two weeks from the break-up. After that, I started to turn angry, so instead of taking things out on my kids, I “angry cleaned” the house and did decluttering. I started upping my workouts at the gym to get out frustrations. I started journalling (which later led to me discovering blogging). I listened to music privately and at live performances and “got in my feelings.” My therapist told me that for a while, I’d feel bottled up, but when my body and consciousness realized I was safe and could feel my feelings, they would FLOW. Wow, was he ever right! As victims, we bottle up our anger, sadness, and fear as a protective measure and it takes a while before we start feeling them keenly again. I felt like a fembot. Give yourself grace. Just start doing things that help that flow, as I did. Then feel your feelings and let them out! Side note: I made friends with a lady, after I escaped abuse (who is a DV survivor herself). She told me she spent $60 on a “rage room” session. A “rage room” is where you pay a fee to literally go destroy stuff with a sledge hammer or a bat, smashing everything the room, screaming as you do so. She said that was the MOST liberating thing. I went to an axe throwing pub where they will allow you to put your Ex’s picture on the wall and throw until you feel better. I highly recommend doing something like this. I also took a truckload of breakable things to the dump, bouncing things off the backboard/wall and it had a similar soothing result. WOW! What an endorphin fest!
5. Surround Yourself With Support: Make sure you have supportive people in your “circle.” Family, friends, co-workers, DV advocate, law enforcement, counselor/therapist, medical people, social service agencies, etc. Cut people as needed, wishing them well, but apart from your life. Beware of “fake friends,” those who stand to gain off of your misfortune and/or who may be getting information back to your abuser. I had a lady that was a “together” friend who seemed genuinely concerned, but was actually telling my Ex-Abuser what I was posting on my social media (which was little of nothing, TBH) and how I was doing. I found it odd that things were getting back to me that should have never gotten to him. I fully discovered her treachery when my oldest child was transitioning to becoming a woman. She would go in the thrift store where my daughter worked and follow her around, saying loudly, “You’re really a mister!” After my daughter came home and tearfully told me how this woman was bullying her, I went to the thrift store daily. It was two weeks before I caught her in the act. I pulled her aside and quietly told her that if she EVER did that again, I’d involve the store and law enforcement, not mention that I’d get physical with her if I had to. Her husband assured me she would never do it again, especially after I got the store manager involved — the manager threatened to ban her from the store and with harrassment charges if she did anything remotely threatentng. She was so shocked that she told me that my Ex coerced her into do what she was doing. I didn’t think that was all him. I think she was just a toxic person, in sheep’s clothing. I’ve ironically kept her as a friend on social media, so she can see how well I’m doing. Moohahahahahaha!
6. Resist the Feeling You Need to Explain Yourself/Your Side: You do NOT have to explain yourself or why you stayed. If someone asks you something insensitive or uncomfortable, say “Why would you ask me that?” or “What was your purpose in asking that?” or, simply, “I am not talking about that right now.” I know it also sounds tempting to try to explain your side online or in-person. What I’ve learned is this: they already have made up their mind, as the abuser is already doing a smear-campaign. Move in silence. That speaks volumes. Don’t put your business on social media for others to use as intel or as info against you. It is difficult to take the high road, but the abuse will contradict themselves and karma will do the work to expose them as a liar, and you as survivor. I promise this work!
7. Take Care of Yourself: Self care is not selfish! You HAVE to take care of you. You need to love yourself more, especially now. In indulging in self-care, you are also teaching others how to love you best. Soak in the tub. Get a massage. Splurge on a pedicure. Read for hours to reset your mind. Take a nap without guilt. Change jobs. Take that walk. Get a doggie or kitty you were never allowed to have, for companionship. Volunteer for something you deem worthy. Have “family game night” with your kids and eat junk food. Participate in art therapy. Anything positive is allowed and does not have to be expensive. It’s just investing time in yourself.
8. Do NOT Expect Results Overnight: Give yourself grace. You’re a work in progress, heck, we ALL are. We were born to be imperfect, hence being human. My Abuser did his dirty work in over 23 years. I cannot expect to be healed in months! From what I read, it can take 2x to 3x the amount of time that you were in active abuse, in order to heal. That does not mean that you still cannot be triggered by something. Just be kind to yourself and get through it, reflecting on how you can help yourself the next time something triggers you. Also let those close to you know what your triggers are and how to best calm you down.
9. Clear Out Physical Reminders: I had to take down family pictures with him in it and put them away. I had to remove his clothes from the closet and have my adult children take them to him (minus the hangers). I had the DV advocate arrange with his attorney a time for him to come and get his tools, while I was away. My adult children supervised, after I told them what he needed to leave in the garage. I had to get another bed, because he had allegedly cheated on me in our marriage bed, not to mention abused me in that bed. I bought a gently used mattress and bed frame from a trusted friend. I put away all the jewelry that he bought me as “apology” gifts. The more I did this, the better I felt and the more liberating that it was. I was making this space MINE and not HIS.
10. Consider Therapy: When you have a physical ailment, you generally go to a doctor. When your mind needs healing, you need to go see a professional for that also. This can be anyone you trust: a counselor, a therapist, a psychiatrist (if medicine might be needed), a psychologist, or even a minister or clergy person. Talk therapy is SO beneficial, I cannot even put it into words how important it is! My initial therapist was a woman, but we had to change providers, so they assigned me a man. Paul was very nice and non-judgemental, but when it came to what all my Abuser put me through, I told him I was very sorry, but I had to have a woman therapist for that. I could not convey to a man what another man had done to me. He was very understanding and kind! If you’re worried about cost, check with mental health community services, check with your employer’s EAP program, check with your church or temple. There are several services out there, so you will have to find what works best for you in your situation and finances. Sometimes, victim services requires the abusers to pay for the victim’s therapy. Art therapy is also amazing! You have to un-do the toxic coping mechanisms that you had to adopt in the past, in order to survive.
11. Set Boundaries: I like to call these “deal breakers.” You know what you put up with in the past? Do NOT allow that anymore. From anyone. Ever. I had to tell “together” friends that I loved them and wished them well, but that I had to break contact because I wasn’t going to put them in the middle. Same with his family. I had to ask friends and family NOT to tell me what he was doing, whom he was doing it with, or how he was doing (unless that compromised my kids’ and I’s safety — then I needed to know). That no longer served me and that made them also violate my protective order. I told my children that when they visited their Dad, that I did not want to know how it went, unless he put them in danger or somehow threatened my danger. I was especially adament with this with my youngest. I also told them that if he asked about me, that they could say I was “doing okay,” but no details. NONE. Boundaries are like fences around your property. They keep your sanity in, but attackers OUT. I’ve noticed that if people are not willing to hear you out on your boundaries or respect them, despite not agreeing with them, they are NOT your people.
12. Prioritize Your Health: Get out and walk. Go to the gym. Exercise to videos. Take Tai Chi at the library. Drink plenty of water. Limit your food consumption (no emotional eating). Get your sugars, etc. in control. Get a chiropractic adjustment. Have a complete physical exam. Get tested for STI’s (Seriously! DO. IT!). Find a therapist/counselor. Meditate. Do aromatherapy. Get your mind and body right. The better you feel, the better you will feel overall. You are your only caregiver, truly.
13. Find Things That Bring You Joy: Make a list that has two column: What Used to Bring Me Joy and Things I Want to Explore. Make a list of things that you used to enjoy doing, before your abuser and try doing those thing again, to see if they still delight you. Had hobbies you liked? Reivive them, if possible. I got back into reading and writing and haven’t stopped since. I am about to revive geocaching — all things that my Abuser veto’d because he was convinced that it was putting unrealistic notions in my head and encouraging me to cheat. Have new things you want to do? Research them and maybe find free or low-cost ways to participate in them. I always wanted to try painting, so I signed up for an inexpensive “wine and paint” class, where they guide you in painting the same thing (mine was a peacock, led by a drag queen artist). I avoided the alcohol but did enjoy the finger foods provided. I discovered that I was NOT Bob Ross, but I enjoyed myself and the process of creating, not to mention “trusting the process.” I also discovered Tai Chi at the library and loved how it made me slow down and be mindful. I attended live music shows that I wanted to hear and it was amazing. Rediscover yourself and re-invent yourself all at the same time. It’s a great distraction and allows you to love yourself again, regaining your childlike curiosity that your abuser tried to kill.
14. Avoid Rushing Back Into Dating: Just “date” yourself. You do NOT have to have someone to be complete. You’re complete on your own. Tell your friends/family NOT to fix you up with anyone. Rushing back into dating could put you in a rebound situation with another abuser or making your mental health WORSE. Give yourself time for that person to find YOU, as it will be healthier that way, so you can love them best too! If you eventually find someone worthy of you, take things slowly. If they’re invested in you, that will do whatever it takes!

Love and light! You WILL survive this! I believe in you! <3