The more years I spend sitting across the table from single women, the more I’m convinced that if the enemy wanted to make your single years miserable, he wouldn’t need to maneuver a heartrending breakup. He could just have you look at her:

  • The woman who doesn’t have to do anything to be loved; the one who’s always invited, always included, always wanted. 
  • The woman who draws admiration and applause, who receives the spotlight even when you’ve worked harder or been at it longer.
  • The woman who is never waiting, whose life is moving in steady increments of celebration: promotions, marriage, babies, and beyond.

She’s your best friend, your biological sister, your small group leader, or your friend at church. She would never want to make you feel passed over—but you feel it anyway. And that’s exactly the enemy’s play. There’s no need for him to derail your life in dramatic ways when he can sow seeds of disunity and discontentment simply by shifting your sightline. 

While I wish this topic were theoretical, it’s one I know well. It often plays out in small, subtle ways, but as a single woman, the sting of feeling unseen, unvalued, or overlooked can feel enormous. When you watch others receiving what you long for—and then go home to an empty house with no significant other to meet you at the door—it’s easy to feel . . . well, insignificant.

But Scripture shows that true significance doesn’t come from being at the center of someone’s world.The key to reclaiming joy in this season is to stop measuring yourself by your place in the spotlight and start counting others as more significant than yourself—a practice that not only frees you from envy but reflects Christ and builds the kind of unity the enemy tries to destroy. 

Significant Others

Over the summer, my church group hosted a two-night mini series for single adults in their twenties and thirties. As my coleader and I prayed about the anchor passage for each night—the chapter that would offer a biblical framework to follow Christ’s example for all kinds of relationships, from friendships to dating to discipleship—one particular set of verses stood out.

In Philippians 2, Paul isn’t addressing single adults or specifically talking about relationships, but he does offer a solution for those stuck in the cycle of comparison, envy, and self-centeredness. As he begins chapter two, he continues the call for spiritual unity that he started in Philippians 1:27: 

If, then, there is any encouragement in Christ, if any consolation of love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, make my joy complete by thinking the same way, having the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. (Philippians 2:1–2)

What he says next is revealing about the church in Philippi. In 1:30, Paul had acknowledged that the Philippians were engaged in the same struggle that he was to advance the gospel. But if they were to continue with him successfully, they’d need to deal with a specific internal issue, one that “evidently was prompted by self-centeredness among certain Christians.”1 Here’s what he told them:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3–4)

Paul knew that rivalry destroys unity, and that humility would offer healing. This was countercultural. “Before the New Testament era, the word ‘humility’ had a negative connotation. . . . It conveyed the ideas of being base, unfit, shabby, mean, of no account. Hence ‘humility’ could not have been regarded by the pagan as a virtue to be sought after.”2 But Jesus had flipped the concept upside down for those who followed Him. 

The Philippians were called out for their selfishness and for the ways they put themselves first. Then there was Jesus, who “humbled himself” (v. 8). No man had ever been more worthy of attention or applause, and yet He didn’t seek it. 

We often think about Jesus’ humility in the big moments of His life and ministry—the monumental reality of the incarnation (Phil. 2:6), the moment He washed His disciples’ feet (John 13:4–5), the meals He shared with tax collectors and sinners (Mark 2:15–17), and of course, the death He endured on the cross (Phil. 2:8). 

But He was also perfectly humble in the hundreds of ordinary moments in which He interacted with people on any given day. Jesus was the Son of God. A single man. And there was never a moment when He failed to esteem others as more significant than Himself. 

Can you imagine Him as a child? When His siblings received invitations to activities He wasn’t part of, Jesus wouldn’t have felt sorry for Himself. When others drew admiration, He wouldn’t have competed for attention, though He was the One most deserving. As He grew older and others fought to be first, He willingly became last. The One who was entitled to the highest place of honor lowered Himself, joyfully loving those He came to serve to the point of death—even death on a cross. 

Cultivating Christlike Fruit

True humility begins with a willingness to die—to your own desires, your own preferences, and your longing for recognition. When you choose to surrender your agenda and see others as more significant, you reflect Jesus. 

Yes, this is true for all of His followers, not just those who are unmarried—but there’s something precious in remembering that Jesus knows firsthand how it feels to live a life of humility without a spouse beside Him. 

His way is beautiful, yet it runs counter to a culture that encourages self-interest and comparison. As you live out the pattern established in Philippians 2 with the help of the Spirit, the Lord will cultivate Christlike fruit in your attitude and interactions, shaping you into a woman who is . . . 

  • Loving: not bitter or jealous, but actively caring for others with affection and actions that reflect God’s heart.
  • Joyful: not dependent on circumstances, but steadfastly glad in God’s presence, reflecting an inner delight in His faithfulness.
  • Peaceful: not anxious or quarrelsome, but resting in God’s sovereign care.
  • Patient: not easily angered, but willing to endure difficulties, forgive offenses, and offer others grace.
  • Kind: not sarcastic or rude, but compassionate and considerate, seeking to bless others and build them up in word and deed. 
  • Good: not selfish or harmful, but morally upright and generous, doing what’s in the best interest of others. 
  • Faithful: not unreliable or inconsistent, but trustworthy and loyal in her relationships with the Lord and all around her.
  • Gentle: not domineering or attention-seeking, but humble and tender in attitude, treating others with respect. 
  • Self-controlled: not impulsive or indulgent, but disciplined and submitting desires, thoughts, and actions to the Lord. 

It’s a remarkable kind of single woman who seeks to be neither conceited nor envious, but is actively dying to herself and crucifying her flesh—because she knows she belongs to Christ Jesus and is significant to Him (Gal. 5:24–26).

Let Your Love Look Like His 

So the next time you see her, and her circumstances leave you feeling insignificant, take a deep breath, then tell the Lord. He knows how you feel. He’s able to offer you freedom from envy and a way forward to love her well.

Lord, I confess that when I see her _______ [receive recognition, receive what I long for, etc.], I feel _______ [jealous, hurt, overlooked, frustrated, etc.]. Help me to believe that when You are generous to her, it doesn’t mean that you are withholding from me. Even as I grieve the lack of opportunities I still long for, will You help me to honor her far more than I mourn for myself? I have no ability to be unselfish apart from Your Spirit; please give me a heart like Jesus’ that rejoices in the blessings and work You’re doing in the lives of others. May my heart overflow in genuine love, joy, and encouragement toward her. 

Once you’ve asked the Lord to help you to consider her more significant than yourself, take a small step to stretch yourself: 

  • Speak words of kindness to her. 
  • Celebrate her victories with wholehearted enthusiasm.
  • Support her without expecting anything in return. 
  • Step back and let her shine. 
  • Praise God for her gifts and His goodness in her life.

Let your heart be happy for her, then allow that gladness to deepen your gratitude, peace, and trust in God’s timing and provision. As He continually retrains your heart to rejoice in others’ blessings without bitterness, the love you have for all the “significant others” in your life will grow, leading to the kind of unity He designed for His people and reflecting the humility of your Savior. 

1 Robert P. Lightner, “Philippians,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F. Walvoord and R. B. Zuck, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), 653.

2 Richard R. Melick, Philippians, Colossians, Philemon, vol. 32, The New American Commentary (Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1991), 94.

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