Signs you are Dealing with an Abuser
In our love-starved society, people are more vulnerable to abusive relationships. However, it’s better not to have a relationship than an abusive one. Abusive relationships aren’t limited to romantic but can be a neighbor, friend, or family member. Below are some signs you are dealing with an abuser and how to break away.
Disregards Your Voice
Often, those who are abusive toward others are insecure about themselves. Instead of taking responsibility for working through their insecurities; they project them onto others. This is seen by them putting others down who they may feel are better than them. One of the ways abusers do this is through disregarding the voice of the one they are abusing. This may seem small at first, but a consistent allowance of disregard from an abuser will cause the abused to second-guess him/herself. This brings the abused into a place of insecurity if not stopped in time. It also creates a misery loves company type of relationship. Then, the abused person, who has become insecure through abuse, becomes prime game to be controlled by the abuser.
Tries to Control You and Who You Spend Time With
The insecure abuser, in a perverted sense, makes the one s/he is abusing an accomplish of his/hers. If the abused can be controlled by the abuser—the abuser may see this as an accomplishment. Because a healthy support system is crucial to remaining free from abusive relationships—the abuser may discount relationships of the abused that bring balance and safety. The abuser may seek to isolate the abused from these healthy relationships and voices. Thus, placing his/her voice above any other voice in the life of the abused. The real flex for an abuser would be to take responsibility for his/her insecurities and work toward a path of true healing and accountability.
Seeks to Discredit You Making You Second Guess Yourself
Without the support of a healthy support system—there is no sounding board to remind the abused of his/her worth. A sense of healthy independence may begin to dissolve while the abused becomes more dependent on the approval of the abuser. Pay attention if someone encourages you to go against your boundaries and values and makes you second guess yourself. An abused person was a whole person before they met an abuser. However, the abuser seeks to make the whole person doubt his/herself. The abuser seeks to fragment how the abused person sees themselves making him/her vulnerable to seek out the approval of the abuser.
You’ll Need These Three Things to Break Free
To remain free from an abuser, you’ll need healthy boundaries, a commitment to loving yourself, and a strong support system. Healthy boundaries remind us of our worth. They keep bad behavior out of our intimate space and keep us reserved to give and receive in our healthy network of relationships whether family, friends, co-workers, or a romantic partner.
Boundaries are useful in preventing chaos as well. Chaos is a natural result of those who refuse to take accountability in their own lives. They often spill their chaos onto others, but our healthy boundaries do not allow this. We see God displaying boundaries in scripture in the book of Genesis. He separated the day from night and placed boundaries around the land and the seas.
This avoids chaos and allows each part of creation to operate as intended. This is what boundaries do for us. They allow us to operate as God intended. Never be ashamed to maintain healthy boundaries. People will be offended by our boundaries at times, but our boundaries aren’t for others as much as they are for us.
The Commitment to Love Ourselves
Remaining committed to loving ourselves is also a Biblical characteristic. It’s part of the first commandment, in scripture, which says to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength and the second is to love our neighbor(s) as ourselves.
Thus, healthy self-love starts with loving God and in doing so, we learn to love ourselves. This love spills out to others. Never allow anyone to interrupt this process in your life because they desire to abuse you. Keep loving God, you, and others.
A Strong Support System
Finally, you’ll need a strong support system. These are genuine people who get it. Those who get it are taking accountability within their own lives. They are doing the work daily to submit to Christ and grow through their insecurities and challenges.
They aren’t projecting the responsibility to work through their insecurities onto others. Therefore, they can genuinely love others as they love and care for themselves. These are the ones who will look out for you, and remind you of your value and what you do not have to put up with. Your support system will remind you of your identity in Christ. You are God’s son or daughter, carefully cared for and sought out by God.
He guides you with his eye and his loving grace. The energy you need to maintain your boundaries and to pray for those who desire to abuse you will well up within and you will be good.
The Role of the Holy Spirit in Avoiding an Abuser
Finally, let’s not forget the role of the Holy Spirit in this. As we meet people, the Holy Spirit will give us cues within our spirit. God often communicates to us in our spirit. That thought or feeling that something isn’t right. Or, the idea that says, “That seems like it could be abusive.” These thoughts and cues may be coming from the Holy Spirit for us to begin warning us to second-guess who we are allowing access to us.
The Bible says in the book of Proverbs: He that separates himself seeks his own way. This is one of the signs of an abusive person. They may be isolated from the accountability of others. They are aware of laws but do not respect them enough to submit to them. An abuser becomes a law to him/herself. Be aware. This is dangerous. It is also a characteristic of Satan, who did not want to submit himself to God but instead wanted to become like God.
Satan wanted the authority of God without the character of God. That can only lead to chaos. Look at how bad our world has become since Satan has been kicked down from heaven into earth. He’s been using his limited authority to deceive men and women into destroying themselves, just like an abuser. We don’t want this ya’ll.
