"Talking about that triggers my toxic shame." - Divorce Minister
“Talking about that triggers my toxic shame. So, let’s talk about something else,” says Cheater.
Anguish over the awful things they did may very well be real. And they need to go through it to heal the matter, NOT avoid it.
Honestly, Cheaters talking about toxic shame are often using it as excuse to avoid accountability. They are trying to change the subject to avoid having to face what they did. It is a line that can effectively protect their lies.
Let’s back up:
Shame refers to BEING bad as opposed to FEELING bad.
When Cheaters talk about “toxic shame,” they are speaking of the overwhelming feeling they allegedly get identifying as worthless. (An irony in this is how they have little empathy for how their actions made the faithful spouse feel this way.)
The excuse of “toxic shame” is a play for pity.
Cheaters invoking it are hoping via pity that you will feel so bad for them that they won’t have to own up to their sinful actions. It is a redirect. Sadly, it often works as many of us don’t want to cause pain to others.
Do not fall for it!
A repentant Cheater owns their sin. They see it as separate from who they are. And they are willing and do change their behavior.
