The Chronicles of a Formerly “Married Single Mom” — Fathers’ Day Isn’t Just for Bio Dads - The DV Walking Wounded:

    I am NOT anti-Fathers’ Day. There are MANY great men out there that deserve to be honored, such as my own Dad and my Boyfriend. They went above and beyond as fathers and grandfathers. Not by abusive Ex however. He was a sperm donor at best…a presence we all feared…Dads are to be protectors not bullies.

    So, with that being said, I never realized, until after I escaped abuse, that I was a phenomenon called a “Married Single Mother.” That means, while I was technically married to my Abuser, he did his best NOT to handle things, NOT to help, NOT to give me money to pay bills, and NOT interact with his children regularly. Even at times we were not together, he didn’t cherish and interact with his children, he was concerned about what I was doing (without him) or wanted to go do things HE wanted to do, he just dragged the kids with him…so much so, that he’d bring women he barely knew, to meet his children. One episode was dinner at an American Legion, where he and his lady friend kept going to the bar or sneaking to the bathroom together. My kids called me, upset, and I came and picked them up without questions or reprisal. He didn’t realize that they were gone for over twenty mlnutes, then proceeded to call my daughter (ironically, NOT me) and ask her where the h3ll they went? Not asking “are you guys okay,” or “I’m so sorry.” That was not in his wheelhouse. He made that their faults, not his.

    So, I did my best to do “Dad” things for my kids: I taught them about car maintenance and yard work. About how to treat people with kindness and boundaries. I showed them how it’s not a failure to call on a professional to get things done, such as a plumber or an electrician. These may not seem like big things, they are and were BIG, BIG things to my children! I even went as far as to arrange for a male friend (who was married to a family friend) to take my daughter to a “father-daughter dance.” He couldn’t be bothered to go, and she didn’t want to be seen with her Mom at an obvious FATHER dance. I made arrangements and she was delighted. I even paid the price of violence afterward, as her father and I were still married, but it was WORTH IT. He was angry, but at what? The fact that he realized he wasn’t a true father, taking out his anger on my body. Ironically, I did not verbally bash him, when he outrageously screwed up. I simply made excuses. Thankfully, my children saw that as trying to keep the peace and not outwardly bashing him. I was a part of a non-existent team, it would seem…

    So, “Married Single Moms” deserve to celebrate Fathers’ Day too. I celebrate all that celebrate this day, for whatever reason you do celebrate. You don’t get to celebrate because you sired a child. A Father is ANYONE who helps to fill that role. FAMILY FRIEND. STEP DAD. ADOPTED DAD. GRANDFATHER. UNCLE. BROTHER. COUSIN. MOM. SISTER. GRANDMOTHER. Whatever your role, you’re a wonder! I celebrate fathers who have had to be both, on Mothers’ Day, unbiased. I am equal opportunity in that department! Kudos to single Dads who have to deal with their daughter’s first menstrual period without a woman, or had to say “no” to their daughter having a sleep over, again, because they did not have a woman present and wanted all girls to feel safe. Personally, I had to have the “sex talk” with all of my children. My boys, I did my best with, but tried to call their father in to fill in the gaps (since he had that “equipment,” as I did not). He, as he always did, failed miserably by giving horribly wrong advice — or even NONE at all. It was at that point that I had to involve doctors, to fill in information where I couldn’t. It was sad that he couldn’t sound off and add male perspective, but that seemed to be his go-to: a hands-off mother impregnator. I was angry with him as a partner, but sad for my children. I thought I had chosen their father wisely, but came to the realization that we were ALL lied to and he wasn’t even barely filling the role. My children deserved to see him respecting me, whether we were together or not, but they did not see that. They saw things that they shouldn’t have, but thankfully became good people anyway.

    I am blessed that my father loved and cared for my mother, even up until she died of cancer. They were partners who tagged each other in, when they thought they needed help or were falling short. They were married shy of fifty years, when she passed. I was blessed, as many have divorced parents. My children deserved to see their mother happy and thriving, even without their father. My boyfriend, a divorced dad, still came to fix things for his ex-wife, such as the hot water heater and her car, as their children deserved to see that their father still respected their mother. And they did and they are better people for it. THOSE. THOSE are real fathers. Those are who I celebrate on Father’s Day. For the “sperm donors” out there, do better. Apologize and mean it. Try to truly be present in the lives of your children and grandchildren. Be sincere. You have no ideas the miracles that you’re missing!

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