The MANY Different Meanings of FREEDOM - The DV Walking Wounded:

Happy Independence Day, July 4th, everyone! I love this holiday for the simple fact that it makes me proud to be an American AND reflect on how much freedom I do have today. Literally and figuratively. Let me explain…

First, I am very proud of my country, despite our issues. I still believe that it IS the greatest country in the world — perhaps we are in an internal existential crisis and we need to be mindful of other countries looking to exploit our weaknesses right now, but I still love the USA! I am proud to be a consistently voting individual, a proud Federal employee, and to have an upstanding Navy veteran as my significant other. I come from generations of Americans, then prior to that immigrants. I have people who have fought in every war American was involved in, back to the Revolutionary War! I even have Wonder Woman, in red/white/blue tattooed on my arm. Today is a great day of significance and I hope we never forget that!

Now, I also reflect on my personal freedoms. As you know, I was in a marriage of extensive domestic abuse. I had NO freedoms. I was enslaved as an inferior and a possession. I had NO say whatsoever. Free will was NOT something that I was allowed. I was to do as i was told, to anticipate his needs and wants and whims, and be appreciative of it. I got away from him on September 14, 2017, with the help of my children, the police, and the legal system. That, THAT became my personal Independence Day and I cannot wait to celebrate that.

I am also immensely grateful for all the freedoms I enjoy as a woman, because of all of the industrious and selfless women that have come before me. I have voted ever since I was 18 and have NEVER missed an election. I enjoy a comfortable wage with protective concessions that protected my rights as a parent and a mother. I am grateful for equality measures, in all forms. Is everything perfect and as it should be? No, but I am grateful for what is present and pray for continued health and clarity to fight for more freedoms to come. Unfortunately my children’s generation isn’t as grateful because it is the norm and it is expected. That which is given, can be taken away, if our country would be taken over by another. You’d think watching The Hunger Games and The Matrix and The Handmaid’s Tale would wake them up, but sadly they can disconnect the two, fiction from real life. I pray for that also, that they become grateful and that I NEVER become ungrateful or entitled. I have had too much taken away for me to take anything for granted. I even had to beg for simple things from my Abuser like, “Please, may I have a new pack of feminine products? Please? I’m bleeding everywhere…” THAT is a basic human need, as a woman, and even it was denied to me because he enjoyed the control and the watching me suffer and beg. NO ONE should have to endure THAT! EVER!

However, this blog it really about personal freedoms. What is holding YOU captive? Is it a job you despise? Is it a toxic intimate relationship? Is it a mental health crisis? Is it your overwhelming clutter in your life? Today is a GREAT day to start liberating yourself. Everything starts with a plan and a first step.

Let’s dive into a few, especially that have plagued me personally. What I am getting at is that NO ONE is going to save you, but YOURSELF, so be your own liberator. Like the Good Witch said in the Wizard of Oz, “You always had the power, within you, Dorothy Gale.” You alone are the author of your story…everyone else are just characters.

I have a job that I mostly love, but that I am overwhelmed at. I do the best I can every day, work any and all overtime that I can, try to attend all meetings, help anyone that asks, etc. However, I am supposed to be one of THREE customer support representatives, but I am the only one in that role there. I. AM. OVERWHELMED. So, what can I do? It seems hopeless, right? Well, I do several things. I make lists, I put reminders on my emails and my calendar. I have a desk system that works okay for me, to try to keep on task. I also communicate. I know most people don’t like to buck the system, but management cannot know if you don’t say. Silence is acceptance, so remember that too! I am respectful, of course, but I let them know when I don’t understand, what I am willing to do, what I am NOT willing to do or comfortable with (and back it up with policy or rules or past actions that were allowed — you know, logic), and what is unreasonable (as I am also our office’s union rep). Meanwhile, however, I am constantly looking to improve myself and do all the required training and some that is optional. I document those things, for when it comes time to self review myself…I encourage you to ALWAYS self review. Management where you work can overlook or take things for granted. Make waves, people, but in a good way! Be proactive! But also, ALWAYS keep your options open for new jobs, internally and externally. I have applied for more jobs in other Federal organizations that pay more and offer more advancement. I realize that I have only about 17 more years to work, but I plan on making those count! My Abuser wanted me to make a lot of money BUT not have any responsibility so I could wait on him BUT finance everything else. I have unlimited possibility without him, so I am going for it! I will always keep my options open when it comes to jobs. It pays for mine and my family’s livelihood. While I really like those folks I work with, I developed a mantra about not being at work to make friends AND I realized how replaceable people are when they die (I watched management clean out the desk of a co-worker, to get it ready for a new hire, which was personally chilling). While I don’t hastily quit a job until I have another one (and I give two to three weeks notice), life is too short to be in a job that you hate. My advice is to control what you can, know that job is not a permanent situation, and actively look for others and apply until you get something else.

Another is a toxic relationship. Now, I’m not talking one that is dangerously abusive, because that can be a life or death situation. However, ones that don’t serve a mutual purpose are toxic. Ones where it’s all one-sided on your part and you’re a place holder. What can be done? For all relationships, there HAS to be communication. HAS. TO. BE. Tell that person what they are doing is bothering you. I know it would be hard, because it is, but ask them if they want to be with you? Be prepared if they say “no” and be prepared to let them go, cutting ties cleanly. On the flip side, be prepared to hear “yes,” but also be prepared to make them prove it. Actions always speak louder than words. Do not just let them show you ONE THING and think everything is okay. They have to continually show you or you need to call them on it. I also advocate freedom of information. My BF knows my lock screen code. I’ve always told him what it was. I don’t have anything to hide. Do I snoop around on his phone? No, because I trust him until he gives me a reason not to (and he hasn’t yet); however, I am not ignorant. I trust him until he gives me a reason not to. Is he is still friends with some of his exes? Yes. Does that bother me? No, because I realize that some folks are that way (but it blows my mind because I have to cut people off completely) and that they came before me and are exes for a reason; BUT I did setup a boundary about them contacting him. I requested that he’s to have no “secret” conversations with them because I view that as “cheating.” So, if they contact him, he respectfully lets me know. I also extend him the same courtesy, thus giving him my lock screen code. I think it amazes him that I readily hand him my phone to view things or if his is acting up and he wants to look up something. It’s how I want to be transparent in my love and respect for him. THAT, my friends, is how it should be. If you cannot communicate with and trust the other person, let them go and do not look back. You are a treasure and deserve riches. Don’t settle for broken, second hand people. Life is entirely too short for that!

Lastly, I am going to combine two things: mental health and clutter. I suffer from anxiety, so clutter and chaos make it SO much worse. Maybe because I am also now older, but I’ve accumulated A LOT of stuff. My BF and I have over 50 years of personal things, things from our grown kids and previous marriages, and have survived a house fire. Are we ever going to be minimalists? No. But, we can downsize A LOT of things by selling them, donating them, giving them away, and throwing things away. We’ve been doing this A LOT lately and the more things come together, the better we both feel. Once things are organized, you also become more time-efficient. You don’t spend hours looking for things. You can move around and get ready quickly and are more often on time or early for your desination. Everything is where you left it: you know, where it belongs. You’re not buying duplicates of things because you know exactly what supplies you have, which also saves money. The best way to get started is to start in one room and work your way outward. I started in the bathroom, then the bedroom, then the kitchen. Those are the three rooms that you mainly exist in. Start small. Do some organizing EVERY day, little bit by little bit, at least 30 minutes. Marie Kondo is great, and I watched her videos, but I don’t have time for all of that. I get inspired watching “deep clean” TikToks and “before and after” videos constantly. When I get overwhelmed, I take breaks and sometimes have to have a “clean room” to go into in order to recharge mentally. I set aside $20 to $30 for organizing materials out of each paycheck, purchasing baskets from Dollar Tree and frames from Walmart. Larger organizing things like shoe organizers, bookshelves, and over-the-toilet shelves I look for on Facebook Marketplace or at Big Lots or Goodwill. I also watch videos from professional organizers to see how they accomplish things also. This has helped me keeps costs down and to be super inspired. All of this REALLY helps with my anxiety more than I can convey. I constantly clean-up at work in order to keep anxiety at bay there also. The business of the cleaning seems to help the nervous energy, as well as helping me feel as if I have made a difference. Of course, the end-result helps keep anxiety low. I highly recommend it! Also, therapy and support groups help you to treat your issues and know you’re not alone.

Lastly, I am going to throw this in too: not everyone likes fireworks. They are beautiful and visually stunning, but you cannot have that without the BOOM! Since surviving being shot at during my active abuse, I have to be medicated on Xanax to watch a personal fireworks show. I know it’s still a “thing” because neighbors of mine were shooting off fireworks in close proximity and I just about became unglued, as if I were personally being shot at again with each boom. My BF generously got me some LOOP ear plugs that are AMAZING! I have veteran friends that survived active combat, so they cannot sit through fireworks either. Their PTSD will not allow them to do anything but go back to the combat zone and the chaos. I have dogs that don’t like it also, specifically because they are elderly. We have to keep them indoors during this time, and accidents will and DO happen because the sounds make them lose bodily function. Just please be mindful of that, please.

I hope you celebrate ALL of your freedoms today and safely! Love and light!