To the Girl on the Bathroom Floor — Carol McLeod Ministries

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 

2 Corinthians 1:3–5 

Hey, you— 

Can I come in? I’m Amber and I’d love to sit with you for a few moments, if that’s okay. To simply be here, beside you. With you. I want to lie down on the tiles next to you and look into your tired, tear-filled eyes and say, “I see you. I understand. I hate that you are going through this pain. I know how deeply it hurts, and I am so, so sorry.” I don’t want to jump right in and tell you all the ways that this will get better or how God has a plan for this awful thing you are going through, because I know you don’t want to hear that right now. 

You want your life the way it was. You want your marriage healed, your finances restored, your child to stop abusing drugs. You want the cancer gone; your spouse, your mom, your friend, or even your sweet baby back in your arms; you just want this pain to stop. I know. 

There is no pretty path in walking through the disappointments and traumas we face. Sometimes life is just plain hard, and some days it takes all you have just to survive. There is a time to mourn and lament and grieve your losses and pain, and maybe that’s where you are right now—at your lowest, in the depths, gasping for even the next breath to keep going. But I know that when I felt like you, I didn’t want to stay stuck in that darkness there on the bathroom floor, and I don’t want you to either. I need you to know that you are not alone. And as much as this hurts, there is hope. It won’t always feel like this. 

My book is about the deepest pain I have ever known and the One who carried me through it. It’s for you. And for me. It’s for those of us whose lives haven’t unfolded the way we hoped—for those of us whose dreams have been shattered, for the lonely, for all of us who find ourselves questioning the goodness of God in a world of hurt. For those of us who are in the throes of unexpected, sudden suffering, and for those of us who have been navigating pain for decades. 

It’s for those of us who find ourselves on the bathroom floor, soaked in our own tears, overwhelmed by the weight of this fallen place, and wondering how we will ever keep going. Maybe you’ve lost a child, like I have, maybe your marriage is broken, or you’ve buried your spouse. Maybe you live with chronic pain, or you have found yourself in financial ruin, or you’ve just received news of a diagnosis you never saw coming, or the cancer is back and it’s spreading. Perhaps you are anxious, depressed, exhausted, lonely, or stuck in a cycle of addiction and shame you can’t seem to get out of. Maybe you’ve been betrayed by someone you were closest to. Whatever has brought you to this place, you’re not alone. 

This is a book about hope, a book about transformation, even in the midst of unimaginable suffering. It’s the story about discovering not just who I was but who God created me to be. It’s a story about searching for who God is and where He is in our pain. This is a book about a girl who was, about a girl who died when her son died, and about a girl raised to new life in Christ. 

If you’re in the middle of a battle and don’t know how you’ll make it, or if you just want to be prepared for when the storms of this life come (because they will), this book is for you. Whether you’re just beginning to walk through grief or have been carrying it for years, whether you know Jesus or are searching for answers, you’ll find a piece of my heart here and a compass directing you to our Living Hope and the unfailing peace and freedom that only He can give. 

This is a story of searching for light in the darkness, of finding hope through suffering, and of being met at my lowest by He who is highest. It’s the story of a woman broken by tragedy and rebuilt by the goodness and grace of God. I’m a simple wife and a mother who refused to let pain define me, who fought to arise after being knocked down, and as you read these pages, I want to encourage you that it is possible for you too. 

In February 2024, I had the privilege of visiting Israel, where I stood at the very site of the pool of Bethesda—the site we read about in the Gospel of John where Jesus heals the lame man. It was truly one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, to be able to witness the place I had read about so many times in Scripture. Deep down in the earth, excavation had uncovered the very stone steps where Jesus once stood. 

I imagined the crowd of people and pictured Jesus walking in and instantly changing the pain of someone who had been hurting for thirty-eight years. Together, in this book, we will turn to the Scriptures, to the stories of men and women God called to seasons of wilderness and suffering, and we’ll see how He always had a plan of redemption for it all. The lame man at Bethesda had been waiting for almost four decades, lying by the pool in desperation, hoping for healing. And Jesus asked the man a simple question: “Do you want to be healed?” (John 5:6). Some translations say, “Do you want to be made well?” 

That question isn’t just for him—it’s for me and for you. When we find ourselves on the bathroom floor, crushed by grief and feeling distant from God, this is the question we all must face: Do we truly want to be healed? Are we ready to surrender our pain; to expose our wounded, sinful hearts; and to trust Him—even when it’s excruciating and nothing makes sense—so that Christ can begin His transforming work within us? 

This book is my invitation to you. An invitation to arise, to pick up your mat, and to walk. Better yet, to run—to run the race set before you with endurance and hope, keeping your eyes on the Treasure. To find healing not from the world but from the Savior who meets you in your suffering. It hasn’t been easy for me, and I’m certain it won’t be easy for you, either, but nothing worth having ever is, and what can seem impossible for us is made possible through Jesus and His Word. There is a God who created you, who sees you, who is not surprised by your trials, and who is ready to meet you exactly where you are, to take your pain and, as you walk with Him, transform it into something beautiful for His glory. 

So, friend, I ask you today: Do you want to be healed? Do you want to be made well? 

Take my hand. Let’s do this. 

The Girl on the Bathroom Floor: Held Together When Everything is Falling Apart

The Girl on the Bathroom Floor is a raw and unflinching look at the moments most never share, the ones behind closed doors, on the bathroom floor, in your car, or hidden in the closet—where pain, fear, and grief seem to hit hardest. It's also a promise that, even there, you are still tenderly held by a God who grieves with you and offers you hope through suffering even when everything else is falling apart.

Amber Smith, wife of former country music artist, Granger Smith invites you into the most vulnerable spaces of her life, behind the closed doors where she wrestled with the traumatic and heartbreaking death of their three-year-old son, River. Amber opens the door to the unseen pain and the relentless ache following his death, the countless tears shed in private, along with the soul altering aftermath of a life forever changed.

But even before River's tragic passing, Amber was no stranger to tears on the bathroom floor. From the pressures of motherhood, family members experiencing addiction, broken relationships, and feelings of helplessness while watching loved ones suffer, Amber explores what to do when faced with all the types of pain that can drive you to your knees.