WHAT REALLY IS SOLACE?

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I got up this morning with a heavy head and an even heavier heart.
Truth be told, I don’t even know which hurts more. The head or the heart, it doesn’t matter anyway.

I saw my phone lying beside my laptop and it brought back memories from last night. I laid face down and sobbed. Something tugged at my heart and I understand what that was. It was fear. Rejection. Anger. Pain. It was more of fear than anything else. I craved for solace. Solace. I’ve just been thrown out of what was solace to me, now everything is sour. What is happening to me? Would I die? Die of what? I don’t even know yet. I wanted my phone, yet I didn’t want it.

I don’t want to recall what happened last night. I don’t even have a choice. It’s coming back to my head. I’m thinking about it right now. I cried harder, I felt the bed and I found myself on the floor.

Timi. Gabriel. Ruth. Anne. My solace. My best friends. All gone.
No, they’re not dead. Atleast, not yet. They’re just out of my crazy and weird life. I’ve known them since before I was born. I’m so attached to them, don’t blame me for not accepting the fact that 20 friends can’t laugh together for 20 years. But, we’re not even up to Twenty. Why does everything have to be so cruel? I thought they loved me. Who would accept me?

“Child.”

Child? I turned towards the door. No one is home but me. Child? I’m 18 years! Who’d call me child? The only ones good enough to call me child are my parents, and well, they’ve been roasted two years ago at the fire accident.

“Child.”
Go to hell, I cursed.

I managed to lift myself to the bed, my head face down again, I cried. This time, I wasn’t just crying for my lost best friends. I was crying for my lost, roasted parents. I was crying for life. I was crying for everything.

I thought the voice was in my head, until it came again.
“Child.”

I lifted my head from the pillow.
“What do you want?” I whispered, scared I didn’t know who I was talking to, yet curious.

“You, child.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. Me? I laughed in mockery. Crazy me? Failed me? Come on!

“Why? What do you want with me? Everyone is leaving. Why come when you wouldn’t even stay? I’m a lost cause.”

“I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

Hold up! That’s something from the Bible, I’ve heard the Pastor preach about this more than once, though I wasn’t really listening. Could it be? I thought that voice could be the voice of Mum or Dad? No, God! God speaking to me? I bet he doesn’t know I’m not even in his list of loving Christians. I laughed.

I felt someone watching me though I couldn’t see anyone. The presence was overwhelming. Fear gripped me and tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t understand what I was feeling. I was so scared I wanted it to go away. There was something beautiful about that feeling I didn’t want to have. It was pure, real. I cried.

“No, not me, God. If that’s really you, then you should go for the ones who preach you. Those who go to church. Those who… love you. Not me. I’m very dirty. I stink. I’ve done really bad things. You should stay away from me.”

I waited, expecting in fear. The feeling didn’t go. It was still here. It came in an even greater way. It swept me off my feet.

“Abba, Father. Why?” I cried. “I don’t deserve your love.”

Verses the pastor had read long time ago came into my head. It formed into meaning, into life. I remembered Romans 8:35, 38 &39 :
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Could oppression, or anguish, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Could it be true? That none of what I’ve done would make him stop loving me?

“Oh, God! Don’t leave me. Stay with me. I’ll stay with you. I don’t want to lose this feeling with you. It’s worth more than rubies.”

Again, Romans 8: 32 popped into my head.
“He who didn’t spare his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how would he not also with him freely give us all things?”

You would freely give me You? I was elated. I was grateful. I was equally stunned. The Bible has never revealed to me so much at a time. The Bible which I thought was filled with complicated verses, now made sense. God is giving me understanding. Don’t I have a favourite book right now? Written with inspiration of God.

Thank you! Thank you!

I grabbed my phone, opened the Facebook app and clicked on ‘What are you feeling right now?’
I clicked on the emoticon that best describes the way I was feeling and quickly typed, “God’s presence. Amazing, amazing feeling.” I clicked on send.
I laid back on my bed, enjoying God’s aura. I opened one of the drawers above my head and retrieved my Bible. It was very dusty. I sighed. “I’m sorry about this God, I just wish I’d met you earlier. My mum wouldn’t even forgive me, after all I’d done. But, you came, your amazing presence with you.

I opened my Facebook app again, my recent post had bagged 35 likes, 15 wows and 2 haha emoticons in thirty minutes. No one had really liked it. I got notified of 15 new comments. I suddenly felt alone and thought of persons who wouldn’t look at me anymore when they see my new post.

A verse from the book of Matthew flashed into my head, : And, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.

Even unto the end of the world? You’re right beside me?

My fear came back, what would they think, Lord? What would I say? I’m not that bold to win in arguments, Lord.
God replied with yet another verse, in the book of Timothy this time, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

God gave me strength.

I opened the comments section, the first comment caught my eye. It was Charles. “You’ve met the Lord? (clapping emoticon) Trust me, even the devil would be in heaven.”
That comment alone bagged 7 haha and a wow. Three persons had replied to the comment.

“God, this isn’t good. Is this it, Lord? Is this it?” I almost choked on my tears.

“Love, one day at a time.”

I nodded, I believe God. I believe he knows what he’s doing. He’s not a man that he should fail.

I clicked on the reply button, “Okay, Lord. Let’s do this.”

I felt his presence covering me, looking into my phone. Watching. Like a father.