What are the 3 Types of Friendships & How Understanding Leads to Better Friendships
Friendships are extremely valuable in life, and it is helpful to recognize the 3 types of friendships we experience. When we understand the old adage, 3 types of friendships–reason, season, and lifetime–it explains why we meet friends, how we keep friends but also why we lose friends through change or conflict.
As I journey through life my friends have brought great joy in the good times and great comfort in the hard times. Regardless of which of the 3 types of friendships I encounter, their presence makes my life better.
If you are struggling in friendships or just want to make your friendships stronger, understanding the 3 types of friendships may help you become a better friend!
The Purpose of Friendship
Good friends enhance our sense of happiness, help us grow, and support us. I am most content when surrounded by those I call friends. The purpose of friendship is to share love and life with others.
We were not created to live alone.
In our lifetime we meet many people for many different purposes, and I often wonder if an acquaintance will move into the friendship category. There are various reasons why we experience different types of friendship such as shared experiences, chemistry, and availability.
Once a special connection is formed and we begin to call each other friends, it is hard to know at that moment, how the friendship will unfold and what type of friends we will become.
Most of us enter into friendships with the hope that they will continue indefinitely. We don’t meet people and start dividing them into different types of friendships.
The 3 types of friendships happen as natural rhythms of relationships and life.
I was part of a Mothers of Preschoolers group when my children were young, and spent several years with a group of wonderful moms and their children. That season and those friendships provided me and my children with many special memories. I am still friends with several of the moms I met in that group, but with others, as our children grew, we lost touch.
The 3 types of friendships explain why moving on and losing touch is inevitable and how we can adjust and adapt to this reality with the people we call friends that are entrusted with our time and love.
What are the 3 Types of Friendships?
Once I learned what are the 3 types of friendships, it helped me navigate relationships. My understanding of each type of friendship has expanded over time and through real-life application. The 3 types of friendships include friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.
Friends for a Reason
Friends for a reason include many friends we meet and have a connection with. A lot of our friends start as this kind of friendship then are cultivated and grow. These are the people we work or exercise with, our neighbors, a small group at church, or people we communicate with on social media.
I met one of my friends for a reason at my first post-college job 30 years ago. We both had graduated from college and were excited about our positions at a local television station. When I was hired and assigned a cubicle, the only entrance was accessed by passing through her office.
We were forced together, which is not the best way to start a friendship, and Laurie graciously tolerated my popping by her desk several times a day for months. We slowly formed a connection and eventually she became a good, then a great friend.
We experienced many highs (weddings and births) and lows (moves and loss), and she is what I now consider a lifetime friend.
The types of friends who come into our lives for a reason don’t always turn into friends for a lifetime. Many times, we meet people for a reason and then move on; we finish the assignment and that is the end of the friendship.
Other times we meet friends for a reason, form a connection but the opportunity to deepen and grow the friendship is not there.
The good news is there will always be opportunities and reasons to meet people; some will be utilitarian in nature but others may develop into greater connections if the timing is right.
Jesus started His ministry and friendship with his disciples for a reason, to spread His message of love and to make them “fishers of men”:
“And Jesus, walking by the Sea of Galilee, saw two brothers, Simon called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. Then He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” They immediately left their nets and followed Him.”
Matthew 4:18-20 NKJV
How exciting to be part of a friend group with such a grand mission!
I don’t know for sure, but the disciples were probably anticipating walking beside Jesus for the rest of their lives; I think I would have been.
We enter into most of our relationships with the hope of this type of friendship. That is why it can be difficult to move on when we realize some people come into our lives and it will only last a season.
These friends of Jesus did become his dearest friends and eventually, most died in the continuation of the ‘reason’ they were called by Him.
Friends for a Season
Friends for a season are my least favorite type of friendship. Friends forever would work better for me, but that is not how it always works out. I view friends for a season as the friendships we are connected to for a period of time before the relationship is lost or comes to an end.
I have experienced many friends for a season and now recognize that in life, some friendships exist for a certain purpose.
Either shifting values, priorities, circumstances or conflict can cause friends for a season. The change in circumstances, such as my Mothers of Preschoolers friends, is understandable and easier to get over. But the friendships that are lost for more painful reasons such as betrayal and rejection are more difficult to let go of.
Jesus’ disciples who had walked, worked, and grew close beside him were devastated by the news that He would be leaving them.
“Now while they were staying in Galilee, Jesus said to them, “The Son of Man is about to be betrayed into the hands of men, and they will kill Him, and the third day He will be raised up.” And they were exceedingly sorrowful.”
Matthew 17:22-23 NKJV
The disciples’ loss of Jesus in the flesh brought them deep sadness.
Have you been exceedingly sorrowful by the loss of a friend? I have.
It is comforting to know that sorrow and grief are normal and expected with friends for a season. As in the case of Jesus having to depart, there are many situations that we cannot change that lead to a type of friendship that lasts for only a season.
How we handle the departing and the discouragement that follows can be instrumental in our growth and ability to be a good friend for others.
The good news is the sorrow of losing a friend can always be remedied with the help of those friends for a lifetime.
Friends for a Lifetime
Friends for a lifetime are the type of friends that hang on to us no matter what storm, disappointment or disruption comes along. We usually have associates and acquaintances we know for years, but deep friends for a lifetime are those that see us, know us, get us, and still love us. I have wonderful friends for a lifetime and am thankful every day.
Friends for a lifetime take work and require two individuals striving for purpose and personal growth, respect for each other’s boundaries and realistic expectations.
Friends for a lifetime offer forgiveness, unconditional love, support, and space. They do not own or control us.
We experience these types of mutually beneficial, virtuous friendships when God is placed first in our lives because we do not cling to someone with the expectation that they will fulfill or complete us.
“A true friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.”
Proverbs 17:17 NLT
Although Jesus left His disciples in the flesh, He became a friend for a lifetime to them and us by His resurrection and imparting of the Holy Spirit.
“I have told you this while I am still with you. The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything and make you remember all that I have told you.” John 14:26 NLT
“The Helper will come, the Spirit, who reveals the truth about God and who comes from the Father. I will send him to you from the Father, and he will speak about me.”
John 15:26 GNT
Our ability to hold on to and be friends for a lifetime, even through conflict and pain, is fostered when our deepest need for love and friendship is met through Christ and the comfort of the Holy Spirit.
What are Friendships Based on?
My hope in friendship circles, regardless of the type, is to be an image bearer and exude the love that God continually bestows upon me, because all 3 types of friendships are based on love.
What are friendships based on? Love. My hope is to be lovely in strong friendships but also in a friendship that has been cut short by conflict; even when I feel wronged, sad, and miss the person and don’t understand what happened.
The only way I can base friendships on love and be a Godly friend is to place my expectations vertically toward Christ instead of horizontally toward others, and to grow closer to God through changes and seasons of friendship.
The 3 types of friendships add joy to life. When we learn to love more deeply and forgive more extravagantly, we understand what friendships are based on and become honoring, virtuous friends.
How does Jesus Define Friendship?
Jesus is our truest, closest friend a soul friend. How does Jesus define friendship? He is always available and provides a wholeness in our spirit that does not compare to any earthly friendship.
When we wonder, what is friendship? We can read in the Bible that Jesus provides the perfect model of what a loving, virtuous friend looks like. From the place of experiencing His extreme love and contentment, we can reach out and unconditionally love others where our joy is made complete. We walk in hope of what friendship brings and not fear of what we risk.
As Jesus was preparing to be led to the cross, where He would die, he addressed his disciples,
“I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends.
John 15:13 MSG
Jesus lost His life for us, his friends. His death was atonement for our sin, but also, a personal, relational act of friendship. He expressed deep, sacrificial love for all people in His life and death and set the example for us to follow.
Regardless of which of the 3 types of friendships I am part of, understanding how Jesus defines friendship and confidence in my identity and His enduring love help me be a better friend.
How about you? How has learning the 3 types of friendships helped? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
