We are all commanded to love our neighbors as ourselves. We don’t have to wait for others to love us in general, before we show Christ-like love. What I am speaking of is love in a romantic relationship. Sometimes, a woman may get ahead of her man in love. Certainly, it may not be popular, but I believe the right way is to allow the man to lead in love. Above all, his actions over time will show his love for his lady.
After marriage, hopefully a wife freely loves her husband as much as possible! He has already shown her his love and commitment by walking her down the isle. Real love will remain consistent after the wedding as well.
Before a marriage a woman can love her man, but … I believe she should not take the lead in love. I believe it is very important for the man to lead in love. The woman’s duty is to respond to his love. Otherwise, she can be taken for granted or get played. Due to natural wiring and societal influence, often women are more marriage and commitment- minded at an earlier age.
Are you dating and you love him more than he loves you, or at least, does it seem that way? Are you way more into him than he is into you? Are you head over heels in love and eager to get married, but he is casual, carefree?
If so, it’s good to slow down and pray. Don’t ignore intuition, don’t ignore any of the warning signs.
I believe it is good to put a leash on your love, feelings, and plans when you have gotten ahead of your man. It is time to restrain and put those feelings in check. When a man abruptly and inexplicably checks out on his woman during their relationship, most likely, he was never checked in, in the first place. Yet, the woman may have been miles ahead in her investment in him.
Typically, a man wants at least one woman around to enjoy. This does not mean that he is committed to her or that he takes her seriously. It doesn’t mean he will treat her well. For ladies who are not yet married, it is good for a woman to learn to restrain her strong feelings for a man when she is getting ahead of him.
This is especially necessary when he has not first consistently shown strong feelings exclusively for her. She can’t help how she feels, but it is possible to get those feelings under control. She should even be able to reverse her feelings for him, if necessary.
Women often mature at an earlier age.
For example, there are situations where the woman is miles and years ahead of her man in emotional maturity and in her desire for love and commitment. This is a common scenario, especially for young couples. It happens with older couples too. In a situation like this, it is very easy for the partner who is not as emotionally invested to become complacent and take the other for granted.
I recently observed a situation where a young lady was unsure about the man she was involved with. She had doubts and seemed sad and anxious at times about their relationship. She wanted to be with him, but was worried that she would be hurt. Eventually, she let her guard down and agreed to stay with him. They were married for about six months when he decided he wanted a divorce.
Men living without purpose often womanize and cannot connect to a woman beyond a superficial level.
Her husband just wasn’t into their marriage anymore. Out of the blue. He even admitted she was a great choice. The issue in this case was him. He checked out soon, because he was never really checked in. Yet, she was. She had been initially reluctant to proceed, because she instinctively knew she should be cautious with him. Sadly, the very thing she was concerned about happening, happened to her after she gave in.
She went against her better judgement and got hurt. It appears that his interest was superficial and lasted for as long as he considered her to be new. When the newness wears off for an emotionally immature man who is not truly in love, he is ready to move on.
Some older men are not mature. Often, young men are not mature. There are exceptions. However, not only do these types commonly lack knowledge on how to value a woman, but they generally are not encouraged by society to settle down with one woman. For young men, there is often peer pressure to begin a notch list, or to add to their existing scoreboard.
The FALSE idea is that the man who is hooking up with various women is a more “cool” guy than the man who is committed to one woman. Nowadays, many women have unfortunately copied the bad behaviors that they have seen in some men. They have picked up some of the same corrupt ideologies as well. Some aren’t looking for love and commitment, but for superficial connection, just as many men are.
Falsehoods that marriage is a man-made institution designed to trap men have been circulating. However, marriage is ordained by God.
“And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Matthew 19: 4-6.
As we can see, marriage is an institution created by God. This is why there are so many attacks on marriage between men and women. The war on God-ordained marriage is a spiritual one.
The adversary is against what God is for.
To the immature, misguided young man, it is falsely affirming to take many different women to bed. Commitment could be the last thing on his mind. Marriage and monogamy may terrify him. Yet, the young lady often has not been properly warned about this. She is often unequipped with knowledge and awareness to understand these types of issues when she begins dating.
Ironically, the lady commonly is more serious about the man than he is about her. A young lady is often marriage-minded, zealous for love and ahead of her man in love. Women benefit from pacing themselves better, so that they are not taken advantage of, taken for granted, and don’t end up disillusioned.
I did not understand these things when I was much younger. No one told me. I was intensely desiring real love and commitment, while some of the men were casual-minded and did not appear to desire or value love and commitment the way I did. I thought it was normal.
Like many girls, I had been conditioned to expect less of men. I figured, he is a guy…that is just the way men are. No, it is not just the way men are. Not all men are immature or after one thing. If those men had been serious about me, they would have acted like it. It was not normal.
Much of the behavior and mindsets of people are influenced by wrong social conditioning, rather than natural wiring. A lot of their behavior is influenced by lack of proper parental guidance, demonstration, and instruction.
In some of my relationships, the men had not yet formally proposed, but professed their desire to marry me in the future. They brought it up. We were having a serious discussion about our goals when the topic of marriage came up. We were young and trying to see if we were on the same page.
However, they were not Christian, and did not show real desire to become one. I was raised in a Christian household, but had temporarily turned my back on my faith. I wanted to date, but knew I could not marry outside of the Lord. It was important for me to eventually return to my faith. Unfortunately, I was living in a season of rebellion at that time.
Here is what I believe:
• The dating woman should never invest more deeply into her man than he is into her, or get ahead of him in love.
• Instead, she should invest in him on a level no greater than the level he is investing in her.
• He should initiate, and she should respond, based on his level of investment in her.
Women can benefit from learning how to guard their heart, bridle their passion, and let the man pursue and woo them, and prove his love. She can respond accordingly. Instead, some women get ahead and may already be planning the wedding in their mind. Perhaps, they have already planned a number of children, named them, and are planning to prepare great meals for their husband and children.
Meanwhile, the man may see her as one of many other options and doesn’t see himself as her husband. He may view her as the gal who will do for now, but maybe there is someone better out there for him. If two people truly care for each other and want to be together, there is no good reason one should be heavily invested in their partner, while the other is just casual.
It could be a matter of timing. People may not be on the same page at the same time in certain seasons. In addition, some women simply love the idea of love. Some (often young) women fall in love more quickly than the man does.
I am talking about in love, deeply emotionally invested. I am not speaking of “falling in love” based on superficiality, such as physical appearance. If the woman is in love ahead of the man, it doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong. The man may simply need more time.
A man typically cannot value a woman he has not truly had to pursue and work for. In other words, he cannot properly respect or appreciate the woman who just throws herself at him.
It is good for a woman not to waste time waiting too long for his love or for a ring. A woman does not need to wait on her man for forever. There is a time limit…or at least, there should be a time limit. Seriously, the man who truly desires to be committed to a woman does not take forever to know this and profess his love for her.
My perspective is based on Biblical principles. I understand that some men and women are not people of faith and do not have these particular views and values. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.
Still, professing Christian women sometimes compromise their values. I believe it is good for any woman to understand that she should not wait around for years, letting life go by without having the desires of her heart fulfilled. If she desires marriage, she should not wait for years, sleeping with her man as if he is her husband.
Not all women want to get married. There is no good reason a woman who does want to be married should be parading around, proudly wearing an engagement ring for years. What on earth is taking the man so long to marry her? People on a budget can easily get married and not break the bank.
In addition, he could easily find a ring that does not cost an arm and a leg. Sometimes, a woman is giving her man husband benefits while they are unmarried. This can help keep the man from marrying her. Some men want the easy way out. They want what they can get for free. Some women are the same way.
Many women are compliant in less than ideal situations, because they are afraid to lose a man-even Mr. Wrong. Never be afraid to lose a man. If he leaves, he is not the right one.
If he truly wants to marry her, is not cheating on her, and not receiving husband benefits, this can surely accelerate his next step to propose and marry her ASAP. If she is insistent on marriage while giving him husband benefits, he may propose to her and give her an engagement ring to pacify her.
Some women seem pacified as they proudly show off their engagement ring and explain that they have been engaged for years. There are women who are in no rush to be married, and other women who want marriage ASAP, but allow themselves to remain engaged for many years.
If a woman is engaged for years and wants to marry, but is still waiting on him, it is past time for her to disengage at that point.
Too many women make it so easy for their man to take advantage of them and take them for granted. They desire, but don’t require commitment. They settle in order to have a man around. If female animals would just mate easily with the male animals without requirements, the males would no longer instinctively work to impress the females and work for the right to mate with them.
Fortunately, this won’t likely happen in the animal kingdom. If the male doesn’t impress the female, she moves on. She doesn’t hang around for many years waiting on his “potential.” This is a good example to observe. Men and women should value themselves. It is best to have high standards, set time limits, healthy boundaries, and never settle for less.
Used with permission from Petrina Ferguson.