Funny enough, I didn’t really understand anxiety..
Anxiety. Something that seems to be very alive in everyone, however to be honest it was something strange to me. I didn’t understand what it was, I didn’t know what it felt like. Maybe in my ignorance I did experience it but just shook it off as being nervous. I never put a label to it. It was being spoken about so much that my curiosity led me to do a little more research to try to help myself understand what it truly was.
My curiosity then led to an experience. I soon woke up to a tight chest, along with chest pain, and thought that something was seriously wrong. However, in the back of my head, I knew that this was the result of suppressing fears, worry and stress. I tried making it go away, distracting myself by binge watching Netflix all day, but it was still there. So then, I naturally did what I always did and that was to blame my husband. ::sigh::
At first, he tried to comfort me, he actually did the best he could. But after his attempt to comfort me didn’t do what I wanted, it led me to blame him. “This is all your fault! You did this to me!” I made it known to him that he was the cause of all this. After several days, I felt so overwhelmed and desperate for this feeling to go away, that I felt pushed to leave, at least for a little while. I took our children and went away for a few days. It seemed like a cowardly move to run away from my problems but I was desperate for relief.
A look into my journal
Here is a little bit of what I wrote in my journal during this time,
“It’s been another tough week. Haven’t been home all week. My anxiety and stress was at an all time high. Nothing was calming me down, I had to leave. My heart was literally in pain. But I miss my home. I want to be home. Its been hard and it only gets harder. But I know joy awaits. I cling to God because its the only thing I can do…in moments of distress, I had to literally stop and look to God….”
So what next?
So that’s what I did, after a couple of days the pain did subside and I went back home. I finally felt back to normal. My husband didn’t understand why my anxiety drove me away. He was upset that I let it control me. But in going away, it helped my growth. I understood what anxiety can do and it helped me see the bigger picture. Life isn’t all about me and my own problems. In order to let go of myself, I have to focus on those around me. (I understand anxiety can go very deep and I’m not saying its easy, we all have our own unique ways of healing and coping.)
My husband is so much different than me, in that when he feels anxiety arising, he fights through it. He works harder. So I understand why it was difficult for him to understand where I was..
I saw anxiety.
I saw anxiety. I saw its affects. I felt its attacks. It isolated me. It drove me away, physically and mentally. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That light freed me. It taught me that anxiety is only a visitor and I decide how long it can stay. To use anxiety for my gain instead of a loss. To use it to drive me in my passions, in my love for people, in my pursuit of knowing God.
Anxiety shifted my course in life.
From what I’ve learned, I can advise you to take it one day at a time. Stop telling yourself you will never be better. Stop saying that you are not good enough. Stop thinking that u can never attain peace. You have so much power within you that God has given you. Start believing that you are able! Know that you can be better and will work on yourself a little bit at a time. Take 10 minutes of your day just for yourself, whether it is through prayer, meditation, yoga, reading the Bible, reading a book, whatever that you can squeeze in for 10 minutes. It can make a huge difference.
When we each win, we all win.
“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Psalm 94:19
Love you all.
Check out my post on how to pray here!
Used with permission from Giselle Manaiza.