Trivializing pain: "Stuff happens." - Divorce Minister

Skip to content

Me: “I got divorced. Then I had to go through a trial with my denomination to keep my license.”

Friend: “Don’t they realize that stuff happens.”

I do not recommend the “stuff happens” response to someone whose marriage has been blown up by adultery.

While I appreciate this friend’s effort to be understanding, the stance is neutral towards a horrific trauma every faithful spouse endures at the hands of their cheater. Our lives have been up ended by deliberate and malevolent choices and actions on the part of a cheating spouse.

The “stuff happens” response can come across as a minimization of surviving such treacherous trauma.

I reserve the “stuff happens” response to talk about a natural disaster or possibly accidents. Things outside our control usually fall into that category.

While this is true for the faithful spouse–as in the faithful spouse is experiencing something that they do not control–it misses the important point that someone did control the marriage ending otherwise.

The adulterous ending of a marriage was no accident. A cheater made some really awful (and sinful) deliberate choices.

We cannot fix the problem of adultery ravaging marriages in the church community if we speak with such neutral terms. The inability to assign proper responsibility for the marriage destruction and sin means the inability to call people to repentance. That is a real problem!

Stuff did not “just happen.” She sinned. And that’s the truth.

*A version of this post ran previously.

Post navigation

Give

Subscribe to the Daybreak Devotions for Women

Be inspired by God's Word every day! Delivered to your inbox.


More from David Derksen

  • featureImage

    Yes "....at just the right time" - Divorce Minister

    You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. -Romans 5:6, NIV “At just the right time” I think we are conditioned as a species to think the “right time” is when we are able to “save ourselves.” We think that is when a partnership with God is appropriate. … Continue reading "Yes “….at just the right time”"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    Cheater Still Blaming Spouse - Divorce Minister

    “Sure, I cheated in the past. But I sorted that with my individual therapist. We agreed my emotional affair was really just a symptom of my marriage problems,” says Cheater. So much of the pastoral or other Christian counseling is biased towards “saving” the marriage. This bias can lead to the pastor glossing over a … Continue reading "Cheater Still Blaming Spouse"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    A Powerful Quote About Trauma - Divorce Minister

    This past week I was blessed to spend time up at a cabin in Northern Minnesota. It was a wonderful time of memory making and relaxation with family. When I was driving back home yesterday, I was listening to an audio book. In particular, I am going through When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your … Continue reading "A Powerful Quote About Trauma"

    1 min read
  • featureImage

    Expectations: Model Christian Divorcee - Divorce Minister

    “’I am innocent, but it makes no difference to me— I despise my life. Innocent or wicked, it is all the same to God. That’s why I say, ‘He destroys both the blameless and the wicked.’” -Job 9:21-22, NLT Ever noticed the pressure among Christians to talk about “our part” when our marriages end in divorce–even … Continue reading "Expectations: Model Christian Divorcee"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    11 Years of Divorce Minister Blog! - Divorce Minister

    Today is the blog’s “birthday.” It’s hard to believe how fast time has flown! I launched this online ministry eleven years ago today with the hope to address a gap in resources for faithful spouses. What I experienced when I went through my own divorce from my Cheater was the absence of solid pastoral resources … Continue reading "11 Years of Divorce Minister Blog!"

    1 min read

Editor's Picks

More from David Derksen

  • featureImage

    Yes "....at just the right time" - Divorce Minister

    You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. -Romans 5:6, NIV “At just the right time” I think we are conditioned as a species to think the “right time” is when we are able to “save ourselves.” We think that is when a partnership with God is appropriate. … Continue reading "Yes “….at just the right time”"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    Cheater Still Blaming Spouse - Divorce Minister

    “Sure, I cheated in the past. But I sorted that with my individual therapist. We agreed my emotional affair was really just a symptom of my marriage problems,” says Cheater. So much of the pastoral or other Christian counseling is biased towards “saving” the marriage. This bias can lead to the pastor glossing over a … Continue reading "Cheater Still Blaming Spouse"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    A Powerful Quote About Trauma - Divorce Minister

    This past week I was blessed to spend time up at a cabin in Northern Minnesota. It was a wonderful time of memory making and relaxation with family. When I was driving back home yesterday, I was listening to an audio book. In particular, I am going through When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your … Continue reading "A Powerful Quote About Trauma"

    1 min read
  • featureImage

    Expectations: Model Christian Divorcee - Divorce Minister

    “’I am innocent, but it makes no difference to me— I despise my life. Innocent or wicked, it is all the same to God. That’s why I say, ‘He destroys both the blameless and the wicked.’” -Job 9:21-22, NLT Ever noticed the pressure among Christians to talk about “our part” when our marriages end in divorce–even … Continue reading "Expectations: Model Christian Divorcee"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    11 Years of Divorce Minister Blog! - Divorce Minister

    Today is the blog’s “birthday.” It’s hard to believe how fast time has flown! I launched this online ministry eleven years ago today with the hope to address a gap in resources for faithful spouses. What I experienced when I went through my own divorce from my Cheater was the absence of solid pastoral resources … Continue reading "11 Years of Divorce Minister Blog!"

    1 min read