Random Christian: Sure, she cheated on you. But you know, it takes two to tango.
DM: That only applies if you have two willing and able dance partners. She clearly is not willing and possibly not even able to “tango” with me.
The “It takes two to tango” line is a subtle blame-shift upon faithful spouses for their marriages being ravaged by infidelity.
Saying such a thing reveals the speaker as a believer in the “Shared Responsibility Lie“–i.e. the lie that teaches both partners are–minimally–partially responsible for the cheating.
Plus, it is a cope out. The person saying such a thing does not want to face the reality of what has happened. They are unwilling to declare adultery for what it is: EVIL (see Deuteronomy 22:22).
But don’t blame the metaphor…it can actually work if you think outside the normal parameters:
Yes, it takes two to tango…
But some partners are unwilling to dance the dance of monogamy. We call those individuals adulterous spouses. Cheaters.
Yes, it takes two to tango…
But like the dance, some partners are unable to dance for various reasons. Maybe our partner lacks the character capacity to honor his or her marriage vows. The only dance they know and can perform is the “Cheater Two-Step.”
This metaphor is ripe for a re-frame.
Instead of allowing people to use it to shame and blame the faithful partner for the infidelity and divorce, we can use it to point out the agency of the unfaithful spouse who chose to reject the dance by cheating.
It takes two to tango. Sure, but some people cannot and will not dance. In this situation, we call those people cheaters.
*A version of this post ran previously.
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Republished with permission from www.divorceminister.com.
