Acceptance & Approval
For many artists, there’s a burning inside them that makes them want to create and express. I know that for myself, songwriting was almost inherent to my being—there seemed no better way to express myself than through melody and lyrics. In a way, I could not not be a songwriter. And I do believe this need to create is a good thing, for it comes from the very nature of our being, how God designed us.
But there are also other reasons as well, some perhaps less noble. As a young child, I wanted to be noticed and feel special. For a child, this is natural and perhaps even encouraged. So I sought the applause of an audience to feel that way. But as I grew older, I learned to feed my ego and my pride through the applause, and build a false self to maintain it. And that is not necessarily a good thing.
So as artists who profess faith, we find ourselves fighting two competing desires within ourselves. The need for validation through the spotlight, and the desire to foster a humble and grace-filled spirit.
As an arts advocate and artist, I’ll sometimes get a particular vibe from someone, perhaps a vocalist or visual artist. I’ll get the impression that this person is wanting some type of validation for their performance or their artwork. And I’m always one to offer a word of encouragement or affirmation to spur artists forward. But I’ll also get the feeling at times that they want more. Some aspect of acceptance or approval that might come from a subterranean neediness or unmet yearning. In those instances, I try to be careful to give them the words that feed the right type of advocacy to them, that moves them forward without feeding an unhealthy psyche.
David Bayles and Ted Orland, in their book Art & Fear, suggest that the artist needs two things from their audience: acceptance and approval. They assert, “acceptance means having your work counted as the real thing; approval means having people like it.” In other words, we crave the acceptance of our critics and peers and opinion leaders to validate our work. And we crave the approval of others to validate us.
I think this is normal for any artist, to seek both approval and acceptance. We ask ourselves the deep questions of artist being. Does what I do have merit? Am I touching people with my song, my book, my poem, my painting? Is there some significance to my work, beyond my own skewed self-perceptions? Is there some significance to me? These are all valid and deeply felt questions that strike at the very heart of who we are and what we do as creatives.
I know for myself, I’ve struggled with the desire to perform well and have the audience like me and my music. And I’ve also struggled with the desire to have my peers respect me as well. And I know that a lot of this has to do with some unhealthy need for feeding my ego.
Thankfully, over the course of years, God has allowed me to achieve some modicum of self-awareness and wisdom. Ultimately, I’ve come to realize that while the issues of acceptance and approval will always be with me, I know that my identity is ultimately in Christ, and is not dependent on the opinions of others. Also, I’ve come to realize that the opinions that matter most are from those who know and love me—my close friends, my co-laborers in ministry, my family, my wife. And I believe that’s because I’ve learned that my art—or anything I create or achieve—is deeply related to who I am when I am creating it.
I thought I would share some thoughts on how to deal with the potential dark sides of acceptance and approval. I hope they’re helpful to you. In no apparent order:
• Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously. One of my nightmare gigs had to do with a memorial service and a painfully out-of-tune piano. I was ministering at a Celebration of Life at a particular mortuary I was unfamiliar with, and I didn’t get a chance for my typical sound-check. So I didn’t actually start to play the piano until the service was underway. From the first note on the rickety piano, I could tell this would be a terrible experience. In particular, several of the keys, including the D above middle C, were tuned almost a half step up. Unfortunately, both songs the family had requested were in the key of D. So as I played, I hit what sounded like clunker after clunker. As I struggled with the keyboard, hitting one bad note after another, people squirmed uncomfortably and avoided eye contact. It was, in a word, horrible. Later, as I reflected on the experience, I thought to myself, why am I so upset? Was it because I didn’t serve the family well? Or was it because people thought I was a bad musician?
It is a very advanced spiritual practice to be able to ignore the inner voice of self-deprecation and instead embrace an attitude of humility and self-acceptance. I can laugh about it now, but I didn’t laugh then. I want to be the kind of person who laughs in the moment, and not take myself too seriously.
• Become a Student of Self. I’ve blogged before on the importance of self-awareness, of knowing oneself and the inner mechanisms which can move one toward self-centeredness, shame, narcissism, and the like. Artists are especially prone to bouts of anxiety and self-deprecation, and it’s vitally important to understand one’s wiring, and even dismantle the unhealthy wiring we create within ourselves. If this is your desire I strongly encourage you to read the post, Behind the Artist Persona. It’s important not to hang our identity on our neediness for acceptance and approval.
• Deal with the Fear. Performance anxiety, or glossophobia, is a real thing. According to a 1995 study on perfectionism and performance anxiety, “Psychologists have observed that people with stage fright tend to place a high value on being liked and regarded with high esteem.” In other words, an obsession with acceptance and approval will often manifest itself in performance anxiety. I discuss the issue of glossophobia in a blog post titled, Stage Fright And The Artist, which I highly recommend to all performance artists.
• Avoid Branding. One of the disturbing trends that I see happening these days is a growing emphasis on “branding.” Not the branding associated with companies or bands, but the branding of individual people. Creatives are now referring to themselves in the third person, as in “my brand.” They are, of course, referring to a carefully curated “version” of themselves that they want people to see separate from their actual imperfect selves. In the immediacy of an ever-changing social media age, how one is seen is now considered part of the “product” of an artist. The issues of acceptance and approval take on a whole different meaning when artists must curate tweets, Instagrams, and Tik Toks.
Branding creates a persona of oneself that is outside and separate from you. It is, in essence, the externalization of the false self. And it doesn’t make sense really. If people like your brand, they actually don’t actually like you; they simply like a curated version of you. But artists of faith are called to something different: to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly. So my humble encouragement is this: Don’t do it.
• Advocate for Others. Finally, one of the ways in which I’ve tamed the ego monster is to become a cheerleader for others. When you advocate for others, both privately and publicly, you become more other-centric and Kingdom-oriented. Providing an encouraging word, helping to promote others, being generous with one’s knowledge and wisdom, and even mentoring younger artists, are a certain antidote for the unhealthy need for acceptance and approval. Personally, I want to be known as a person who will support, encourage, instruct, and shepherd others, particularly artists of faith.
[Banner Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash. Inside Photo by Kane Reinholdtsen on Unsplash.]
