Before The One: Episode Two

If you haven’t read through or caught up with Episode One, then please do that here.

In this second episode, we will tackle the topic of dealing with rejection and heartbreak as a young adult Christian. Our guest, Josh LoveTalk does address this a little in our interview but I wanted to provide some insights and grounding before we bring his perspective.

I was really triggered sometime last year feeling that in young adult Christian circles we do not have enough support and tools to successfully navigate the soul hurts that can result from rejection and heartbreak.

I have come to learn that rejection and heartbreak can be God’s form of protection. Yes, I know it doesn’t feel like that or seem like that in the moment. But hindsight is truly a beautiful thing. I realize that God is not wicked and He will never allow situations that will disadvantage us or make us lose out on something. Believe that if someone walks away or decides not to chose you, God has a better option. And even if we don’t get that yet, believe that God is too much of a planner and an intentional Father that you have really lost something.

This episode may be a little sensitive and triggering for some, so please read with caution. I hope we all heal from the hurts and disappointments we have experienced in the past and can move powerfully, boldly and totally into God’s perfect love story for us that He is unraveling for us!

The next question I have is in regards to heartbreak. So I know we’ve all heard this idea of being ‘served breakfast‘, right? So it’s Nigerian colloquialism, but pretty much means being jilted. And this has entered the church. It’s the church brothers and church sisters that are out here breaking hearts and serving the most hottest breakfast in town. How do we go about safeguarding our hearts and ensuring that we’re truly healed ? Especially being in the same spiritual family and trying to reconcile how that hurt, what kind of advice you give in that kind of situation?

Before I actually even answer that question, let me just say something. I say this often. Breakups, or serving breakfast, as you’re calling it, is not necessarily a bad thing. I know when you think about the disappointment because you’re invested emotionally and in other ways, and you’re hopeful that this should be the one, and it doesn’t go the way you want, it can be disappointing and heartbreaking. You need healing and that takes time. However breaking up can actually end up turning you on the right path.

Because what’s good to you doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right thing. So even though, yes, the brother comes to church, he’s in the choir, he plays the instruments, which are probably the ones that they say you should avoid the most. Or the woman, she’s in the choir, she sings well, she’s in the ushering department, she does good, always carrying the Bible. It doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily the right person or the God-ordained person for you.

And because you would not listen, because you would not pay attention to the red flags, that’s God’s way of turning you around to where you’re supposed to be. So that breakfast was needed. Yes, it’s going to hurt the time, but it could also be the best thing for you. I received a DM from a lady who, she was going out with this guy, been together for maybe a couple of years, and she was like, she wants to get married, but this guy is not really forthcoming, right?

The guy was saying he wants to travel to be a doctor so he was saying he wants to go to the UK. But all the signs he was giving was like ‘I’m not ready for this relationship and for settling down‘ She had been in it for a while and she was asking what should she do and I was like ‘you have to be clear about what you want‘ and don’t follow somebody that’s not on the same wavelength as you. Somebody that doesn’t want the same thing as you because you would just end up wasting your time. We caught up maybe a few months down the line, she broke up with that guy and maybe about a year afterwards she’s married to somebody else and they’ve got a baby now. So I’m saying all of this to say that breakups might just be what you need if things are not going the way they should go.

So the idea that I want to avoid breakup, I want to avoid heartbreak, and therefore you’re managing situations you shouldn’t be in, is probably a worse place to be than a breakup. So I just want to put out there that breakups are not always a bad thing in context. Yes, it’s disappointing. Yes, it hurts. I’m not going to say it doesn’t. But if it’s going to get you to where you need to be, the right place, then it’s a pain worth having.

@Josh_LOvetalk

In terms of how do you safeguard yourself, I feel like you need to first of all; work with your eyes, work with your head and work with God. Yes you may see what you like.

We’re all human beings, you see what you like, what looks good and sounds good and you go for it. Now because that looks like what appeals to you don’t leave your head at home. If this person is showing certain red flags, don’t stay there. Don’t say oh because it looks good you can manage or I’ll be willing to put up with this and you start making excuses where those need to be excuses. For example, if you’re dating somebody and you know you want to settle down, but they’re saying that they just want to go with the flow and to see how things go, then both of you are not aligned. Yes, you don’t want to rush, you don’t want to be too abrupt and you want to give it some time. But after a while you need to be letting this person know okay ‘what are we doing‘ rather than just saying: oh he’s a good guy, he’ll come through or she’s a good woman yet you’re the one always chasing her and she never comes back to you. For the guys, maybe you text her today, it takes her three days to respond, and then she messages you, and then she goes off again, and the next time she messages, oh, I’m hungry, can you please send something to my house? There’s never no real conversation, but because she looks a certain way, she’s endowed in certain places, she’s in the church and she believes, you say oh, let me put up. No, don’t put up. Don’t leave your head at home.

And if it looks good in your head, it looks good in your eyes, still consult with God. I believe that God can help you in identifying your partner and if you are with the right person. Sometimes it looks good to us because everyone puts their best foot forward, but in most cases still consult with God and see what God is saying.

So don’t just be led by emotions, by your feelings, by the things that are looking real to you. Still check with God because God is the all-knowing and all-seeing.

So I would say that’s probably the best way to safeguard your heart. And if you see red flags, don’t be scared to walk away. A lot of times, and this is something I talk a lot about on my YouTube channel, people waste their time staying in places that they don’t need to be staying in. If somebody is showing you signs that they are not aligned with what you’re looking for. This is why it’s important to know your your non-negotiables.

It’s important to know the things that you need, the things that you want, the things that you can negotiate on and the things that are nice to have. If somebody is not aligned with those things then make your way out. Don’t stay there forcing things, don’t stay there being the one that’s always initiating being the one that’s always pushing and this other person is just living their life the way they want. But because you think time is passing you by or because you have this great affection for this person, you think, let me just put up with it. If you do that, you’re going to find yourself where you don’t want to be eventually. So I would say put those things in place and everything else we’ve talked about in this conversation and I think you stand a good chance.

ALTHOUGH, nothing is really guaranteed. Let’s be honest. We can say all these things and it’s just to put the odds on your side. You can do everything right and still get delivered this breakfast first class.

Sometimes people get really dejected and really disappointed: ‘I did everything. Yes, I maintained my standards, I set my boundaries, I did all these things, and yet it still went wrong.’ That is just part of life. And I say that people that are dating, it’s not for the faint-hearted. It may sound harsh, but don’t be a baby about it. You know, sometimes things happen.

It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong. It’s not because you’re wrong. It’s not because you’re bad. It’s because it’s just life. Sometimes, just like in our daily life, we go for jobs where you’re qualified. You did a good interview. You still don’t get the job. It’s just life. So people sometimes, things don’t work out the way they expect it to. And then they go into this negative attitude of, all men are bad. Men are trash. Women are this. Women are this. I think that’s a very wrong way to look at it. It’s just life.

Things will not always work out the way you want, even though you’ve done everything you’re supposed to do. So when you’re dating, when you’re meeting people, always have that at the back of the mind. Yes, I’ll do my part. I’ll put in my boundaries. I’ll work on myself. I’ll give value at the same time if my student will work out. Does it hurt? Of course it does. Is it disappointing? Yes, it is. But that is just part of the game. I don’t like to call it game. But, that’s just that’s just the way it is and you have to be grown about it, you have to be mature about it. Do what you need to do to get over it, if you need to take some time off, but don’t get in a negative mindset because that just sets you further back. Because once you start seeing men as bad people, even God cannot answer your prayer. How do you want to date? You’re asking God to date somebody that you’ve concluded that they’re horrible; It doesn’t work, it’s a contradiction right.

So, and vice versa, same for a guy towards a woman. If you think all women are this way and you’re asking God for a good wife, it’s not going to work because you’ve already made your conclusions. So, don’t let heartbreak set you back because that’s just the way it is sometimes. And you have to learn to pick yourself up.

It’s not easy, but learn to pick yourself up because really and truly, you only need to get the right one.

Thank you once again Josh for sharing your wisdom with us!

Honestly, I understand why people start crying and getting overtly emotional when they get engaged because it’s like the shege pro max experienced out in the dating streets can truly humble you. Dating and navigating heartbreaks is literally a faith work and we need God’s mercy. It can be hard to deal with the hurtful emotions and try to move on, yet it can take a toll on us. As Josh LoveTalk advocates for, that’s where that self-work comes in and where we learn to regulate our emotions.

Comment below the key insights you have taken from Episode 2. The live recording of the interview will be made available by the end of the series so you can play it back to listen to it as well!

Connect with Josh LoveTalk by booking sessions with him through Instagram!

See you for the next episode!

#ByGodsGrace

Mo 🙂